this weekend

i spent most of my time on date-like excursions. it was fun and interesting, also difficult in some ways; i found myself noticing that I was hiding a little in these interactions. i wasn't hiding myself while in them, but from myself in the enacting of them; instead of doing my laundry, budgets and bills, I spent time being romantic with folks in my life. No sex, just connecting; without alcohol I spend much more time thinking about people rather than my lust.

The most consuming interaction of the last three days, however, was definitely my evening with Jon. (my love, my heart) We met in in the Embarcadero in front of the Ferry Building and as he strode toward me I felt my heart lean toward explosion like i couldn't hold it in my chest any longer the way he holds his lower lip between his teeth when he's nervous and swings his arm at his side looking at me out from under his heavy lashes i had forgotten these details and it drove me a little insane

we picked a spot at on the water near some statues that attracted picture taking tourists like flies to honey and we talked about why and how we had come to this predicament, after so many years of dancing around each other and trying to figure it out, after finally being able to be together had i left so unceremoniously, the reasoning, whether there was someone else (there was not), talking crying being there next to each other

when i looked at him it was like i needed to drink him in again, say prayers to the place we had shared, remember that night in the candlelight where i had promised myself to never forget the sanctity of our connection, a promise i so conveniently forgot

what has occurred to me recently is that my alcoholism deserves a large part of the blame. once again sabotaging a close, loving, stable, supportive relationship for alcohol and its social trappings (read: slutty dating and other such rique encounters).

the rest of our evening was more than pleasant, it was comfortable and joyful and really about us. i practiced humility, he practiced asserting himself, we rode the bus and ate sushi and sat at my house with my housemates talking politics of liberation, listening to the coup and all i could think was

this is the life i have been striving for

and this is a person i could choose to love for the rest of my life

yeah

ok. see the following posts to get an idea of what i'm feeling right now:
http://lovelyone.blogspot.com/2007/02/i-cant-handle.html
http://lovelyone.blogspot.com/2006/01/sigh.html

Clearly, I have had a problem the whole time. No one likes a stupid, dramatic drunk. It's time for a real decision, no more talk, no more bullshit.

I really don't want to lose E. I hope that he can forgive me someday. I don't need it to be today, just soon in our lives.

jesus

jon sometimes i miss you so much it feels like i am going to fall apart

yesterday

certain situations revealed my class roots like a bad dye job.

first, i was probably too ebullient at the fundraiser; second, I was probably overdressed for the fundraiser (i LOVE my flashy heels, betch!); third, i suggested that our staff go to a chain restaurant in Florida while we are working on the Amex project (I was rebuked by my ED). Argh. I am feeling a bit sheepish today, for a million reasons, not just those above.

It wasn't until my portland friends arrived that I realized how much of a struggle this transition has been. In particular, this job has infused a sense of an essential fight for survival (read: recognition & respect) into my life that I do not enjoy. I spent some time last night speaking-- a bit intensely, I think-- about how the city requires your attention to basic inequality and that to expect things to come easy here is a self-delusion. I surprised at my vehemence, and was pleased again to have revealed another aspect of my life to look at.

No, I'm not being sarcastic. Self examination is key in personal liberation, right?

i was just struck

by the memory of a scent
the deep lingering loam of a rainy place
dark in the night damp from a day of rain

me safe in that cloying texture of air

sometimes

vulnerability makes me feel sick to my stomach.

i vascillate

between wanting to everything i can to end this fucking depression and wanting to just wallow in it completely, go there with everything i have and see what happens. i have been slowly descending in fits and starts, propelled by a growing understanding of the inevitable and a disaffection with the present

my co-counseling side says LOVE YOUR SELF HATE!!! LOOK AT IT!!! GIVE IT A BIG FUCKING HUG!! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!! then the practical, wide-world side says --you can't function like this, you can't be a full woman like this, you can't be loved like this, you have to get better before you go to a place you can never get back from, a fat-ugly-hopeless place where you are utterly alone, stupid and self-indulgent.--

well, that's fun, right? i keep thinking i've found the answer, and keep coming back to the same damn feelings. greant.

also

my mother criticized the list i created regarding a partner.

in the spirit of being more grounded and practical, I am looking for a relationship wherein we can:

- live together and create a home that we both enjoy; a place where we both feel comfortable and taken care of, a place where our friends feel welcome, where we can challenge each other in a healthy way
- get in the car/on our bikes and go places together
- laugh at each other's foibles and flaws
- occasionally have a knockdowndragout fight and have great makeup sex/cuddling/mutual affirmation
- get drunk and laugh at each other
- make food for each other, collaborate on whats going to taste the best and how it should be presented, experiment
- go shopping together
- talk about our days when they are done
- read together in bed before we go to sleep and discuss our books
- sleep in the same bed at night, hold each other
- wake up together and have coffee/tea/breakfast, see each other off
- fantasize about our future, our children, our community.

i think that's it.

ok so

in order to be present here today i have to move some things within me-- process a little-- get clearer.

send me your position
getting lonely down here

this is the time in my life that i can use, i can really mine for the artinpain that i have been craving for so long, the reason that i left portland, i'm looking for that struggle that will force me to create art to write to be poetic with my life to see the beauty in the difficulty

i have to end some things and start some things very soon, today in fact. it's time to start believing again, being the fully powerful person that i have grown to be, to exercise my willpower-- i want to reign in my desires run rampant, they are causing suffering i can't manage right now. Can I do the things that truly ground me on a daily basis? I have been looking for satisfaction in pursuing base impulses and finding only fleeting fulfillment. Sex, food, drink, television-- I have always known that I would not find what i needed in those things.

i have to get used

to not being 22 anymore. here i am, five years later, not dating very much, not putting myself out there very much, sitting at home on a saturday night watching ghostbusters. i am eventually going to do my hair. it's going to look good, too, damnit, before pride.

so what does it mean? what does this all mean? I have some sense of failure here-- like I am not living up to my full capacity as a 20something. then again, i need to calm the fuck down and have a good time. i'm not getting any younger...

i am gonna

make it
through this year
if it kills me

what an intense day. i made all these powerful decisions and it all crashed down around me this morning, my carefully constructed castle of self-protection crumbling sadly at my feet. Today I was the subject of a meeting, and no one told me what happened in it. The director of the SF office engaged in her usual subtle undercutting-- walked into the office and barely acknowledged me, sent emails to the staff and ED that suggested we do things that I was clearly unprepared for, talked about me loud enough for me to hear in front of other staff.

Meanwhile, i looked up abuse in the workplace-- and found definitions of "workplace bully" and psychological abuse in the workplace. I am being bullied, and there are no laws to protect me. http://www.bullyinginstitute.org/bbstudies/youknowwhen.html

this realization that i am being abused hit hard. it's kinda like when i realized that what had happened to me was rape. the new understanding that what is going on is ABUSE incurs its own trauma.

it all went downhill from when david and i got in a little spat in the morning and he asked me what was really going on-- NOTHING! i said, lying and knowing it-- and i broke down crying. It all seems like too much, everything these people do, and my tolerance level for being constantly underestimated, undercut and unacknowledged is nonexistent.

The question is: can I use this anger, sadness and depression towards positive ends? Today I have written more than I have any other day in recent history-- wonderful. More blog entries than ever in an attempt to blow off this steam, figure out my struggle. For the first time in my life I am distinctly not enjoying my depression-- i'm unsure why. it seems particularly difficult.

my coworker jamie

told me to never try to go to bed after 11pm. I remember her caution but pay little attention.

i had a great session today. really, all sessions are great right now. my mind was occupied with a few overarching themes: hopelessness, loneliness, fear. The last week or so I have been blessed with a change of direction in these thought patterns; I made a decision that work will not depress me, that it has no control over me, and that I do not want to be in a relationship right now. Dating, sure, relationship, no. There is too much desperation there for me. I do not want to be in a relationship because it is the "least awful alternative," I want to choose a person as a primary partner who embodies characteristics I value and lives a life I admire while encouraging me to live the fullest life possible. (Just to be fair, Laura and David do this for me. Lucky me.)

I suppose it is a worthwhile effort to list what I think these characteristics might be. My next long term, primary relationship will be with a person who is:
- Deeply compassionate and forgiving of self and others
- Political and committed to building the movement
- Committed to self reflection and in turn, radical self transformation on a regular basis
- Absolutely adoring of me and supportive
- Able to see where I struggle and offer help
- Able to notice when they are struggling and ask for help
- Generally knowledgable of their material and patterns, able to acknowledge those things to me
- Engaged in a self help process
- Engaged in community that is intergenerational, multicultural, multiclassed, multigendered
- Living in the Bay Area
- Self-sufficient, emotionally and financially
- Socially adept
- Surrounded by supportive friends and family
- Terrifically crass and inappropriate in the most fun ways
- Adventurous, physical
- Sexy and adventurous in the bedroom-- ostensibly a top
- Bike rider
- Book lover, intellectual

I have to say that politically and personally i do not believe that I am alone, persay; these structures of disconnection are strictly products of a society divided by oppression and capitalism. It makes sense, then, that in this first post-college phase wherein I have re-entered capitalism-- like sudden cold-water immersion-- i would be shocked and pissed at what I found here. And that I would seek a person to contradict my sense of abandonment and isolation.

I do not want to move forward with dating in a state of desperation. Instead, I am looking closely at my life and where I can decide to be more fulfilled and self-actualized.

Have I mentioned that I love my bike? I should have, because I do. :)

there are a few

things that need to be written about. I will put them under separate headings to represent them distinctly.

on mondays its

depression, on fridays its elation... is this the way of the working world?

the great thing about today is that I am feeling much more excited about building community and putting myself out there. Unfortunately, I have not been laying the groundwork for success in that area... and of all people, I know that it takes consistent attention to build a solid community of folks that will come out and play and support you when you need it.

Let's see if I can pull it out tonight. Good thing I am also good at not beating myself up if things don't go exactly my way.

all my love...

i think

i may have to start a different blog for my political material... because i actually want people to read it.

regardless.

a working class rant:
today as i walked to my high rise office building in the embarcadero district of san francisco, surrounded by the bay itself, views of oakland and the bay bridge, expensive places to buy food and fancy florists I passed charles schwab windows emblazoned with the clever slogans of their campaigns focused on getting everyday folks to invest their money in something with charles schwab

one of these slogans reads "planning for your retirement? or hoping to?"

everytime I see that fucking slogan i think about my father. yes, he was downwardly mobile; yes, he is self-employed; yes, he hates bosses and taxes and you, if you cut in line. my daddy was hoping to plan for his retirement, but that's not how things went. instead, a series of events determined our descent from the working class to the poor, where desperation became a member of the family.

it started when a roof he repaired in palm springs leaked when it rained, of all the ironic things, and they sued the pants off of him; his truck full of tools was stolen; an economic crash leveled the real estate economy, which made work extremely difficult to find for a self-employed residential remodeler. Daddy has always, on top of these new circumstances, systematically and unabashedly undervalued his carpentry. We lost our house and almost everything we owned and moved in with his new girlfriend and my to-be forever stepmother, Alyce. Now he owns nothing, has nothing, lives from job to job, check to check.

He is 60 now. After 40+ years of heavy manual labor, not to mention a few good bone-breaking and back-snapping beatings over the course of his exciting life, his body feels every movement and shift. still and yet he shoulders rolls of tar papers and stepladders up to second and third story roofs through creaky hips and achy knees.

daddy, why don't you hire some folks and just be the head contractor guy? you're too skilled and too old to be doing this shit anymore.

i don't want to stop working. i love working, audrey. working defines me as a man, its my art. i can't imagine my life without work. i'm gonna work until i die. that's what i want to do. you're gonna have to get used to that. anyway, i can't trust anyone to produce the quality of work that i do for my clients.

but daddy, you're just going to die sooner if you do that. and that's not fair to me or zack or jay.

it's my life. i will do with it what i want. if i don't want to live without working then you should respect that. anyway, what would i do for money?

zack and jay and i would figure that out, papa. just because it's hard to think about not working doesn't mean you should do it til you die, for fuck's sake.

i don't know, babe.

Subtext: I don't have any money, i'm afraid to be a burden on my kids, and i have no idea what i would do with my time if i didn't work so hard everyday that I was exhausted.

What would you do, charles schwab? are you gonna take money that doesn't exist because of the machinations of a manipulated economy and destructive patriarchy and invest it in a market that systematically exploits people like my father? no. you'll just make it seem like its accessible, promote the possibility... and bring up feelings of resentment each day as I walk to work.

i have never

felt this consistently sad. i thought i could defeat it by riding in this morning, but i still feel the weight of a simple, consistent sadness, regardless of the adrenaline encouraged by speeding through downtown on my bicycle. it's not a depression, it is almost like a constant reality check, calling me to notice the seedy and exploitive nature of life over the glorious and joyful aspects i had become so accustomed to.

there are many differences, i suppose, in the way my life was and the way my life has manifested currently. my community is far less cohesive; i am older, and noticing it; i do not love what i am doing; i am not organizing; i am not really dating; i am not getting as many sessions. while it is true that I am making steps to change these things (very actively pursuing other jobs, emailing orgs to volunteer with them, hanging out with awesome folks and investing in longterm relationships, getting sessions on my feelings about dating and abandonment) i am still struggling with the decision to realize my joy as a human being in the world. Anxiety is my contemporary bedfellow.

In the aims of being more intentional in addressing my current selfhate and other outcroppings of negativity, below i list the aspects of my life and myself that i love right now:
- my housemates
- david
- amy
- kate
- laura
- my new sf friends: amy, sarah, eric, nicole, mikael, angela, susie, benny boy, amaris, bre, and many more
- my new sf co-counselors: syd, jim, adam, mark, kristen
- the opportunities that are presenting themselves, aka, the unions and other organizing opportunities
- my commitment to getting involved in prison abolishment/addressing the criminal justice system
- how i notice my own restimulation and pay attention to how that effects me and my relationships; how I pursue my own healing, even in the smallest ways.
- my neighborhood, my local coffeeshop, my local bars, the grocery stores, the culture, the food, the transportation
- riding my bike up hills
- riding my bike down hills
- cuddling with friends new and old; revealing myself in my developing relationships
- talking on the phone with laura
- living near golden gate park
- my back porch
- getting my finances in order...

argh. with every one of these there seems to be a corresponding negative aspect that drags it all down. I do want to even out and be committed to joy and happiness in my life. i feel afraid sometimes that all of this is what life really is, sad and lonely and overwhelming with a downhill trajectory...

what the fuck

is up with these ups and downs? Yesterday, everything was golden, life was good, i was on the fast track to new and different things in my life. Today it feels as though I am carrying a load of bricks.

Ah, I see. Yesterday I wasn't at work. Today I was there all day. There must be some correllation. Yuck-eeee.

well

we finally did it. we signed the papers, the four of us, soon to be seven-- taking action so many months later, but action that I feel necessary, even now.

what am i looking for? achieving greatness- whatever that may mean, and in my context it means several things:
- ending oppression;
- building a sustainable movement for liberation;
- building close and loving relationships with the people in my life;
- building a diverse community around me;
- consistently being reflective about my internalized processes that continue to victimize me and oppress people around me;
- educating myself constantly about the state of the world and those in it, especially the effects of the imperialist force i live within and my complicity in that imperialism;
- loving completely every person i come into contact with throughout each moment of my day while remaining strong and advocating for myself.

I will achieve my goals; Tia once put in a card to me, for some occasion, that she was confident that I would "never lead a mediocre life." I hope that she is correct, and honestly, i am striving to prove that she is. Perhaps it is almost that expectation that drives me to fulfill it. How awful to have had such a shiny future predicted for you and end up toothless in a trailer park with only cigarettes and vodka to accompany your tragedy.

There are so many decisions I need to make right now, and directions I could push. Each one has a different outcome, and I am having a hard time thinking strategically about this; I can plan a campaign, but i have a hard time predicting the most fruitful/liberating/revolutionary set of moves for my life. This chessgame is far more complicated, and there is so much more at stake.

Here i am, at the crossroads.

is the answer

to just mess around with people who are completely uninteresting and not attractive?

I can beat this. My new goal: achieving greatness for myself, whatever that means for me right now... living for me.

horrible news

during a nice long session yesterday my very pleasant counselor suggested that it was more important for me to work on the abandonment issues incurred by my mother than to be in a relationship-- and that I should prioritize the former over the latter.

I think he suggested that I could have sex, but that a relationship would be too much for me right now. and interestingly enough, the dude is correct. I can't see my way through my abandonment issues right now- and need some time and space from any committed romantic entanglement. I'm simply not sure if i can have sex in this state- because i'm tired of disconnected sex, and anything tender and vulnerable triggers the hell outta me right now. argh.

Well, i suppose knowing is part of the battle, at least.

i realized

that really what is important to me is that i not become embroiled in another co-dependent situation. I love my life and want to focus on my career and myself- and be committed to my personal and political growth. I notice that I have a tendency to think obsessively about lovers, possible lovers, relationships, possible relationships-- I really would rather not, thanks. Especially during weeks like this, where i have high stakes deadlines to attend to.

I figure-- if I devote that time spent thinking about love/relationships/lovers to liberation and political thinking/work, then I would be one damn together woman. Sounds great, huh? I have to implement some kate strategies: only see folks once/month, other sorts of things...

I have to get involved in prison abolishment. now.

i forgot

how much i love that skin on skin interaction
tenderness pleasant and rejuvenating
deciding to be intimate regardless of familiarity
is a deeply connecting decision

i had great fun

and the more wonderful thing is that i am not feeling desperate or overwhelmed with emotion/need/etc., i enjoyed the sex, being in bed all morning, bike riding, eating together, connecting at the park

and although it seems like more would be fun
i have no deep seated need or expectation for more

which, if you have seen my machinations and flailings listed so vulnerably below
is a great relief for me.

There is another aspect of this, however--
I have been relatively laissez-faire in regards to whom I date/spend time with/get into relationships with in the past; it seems more important now to be discerning, and date folks with whom it seems reasonable/feasible to be in a possible lifelong partnership. Babytime might be nearing and stability looks more appealing. If i am going to start dating then I am dating with an actual objective. Different than before, indeed. Very different.

you know

that i imagine you so often now that you have become almost like a ghost beside me, memories of you always present

you standing in front of me, sweatshirt hood over your shaved head, brooding over your mail in our old kitchen where the sun came in through so many open windows, your soft fingers finding the edges of envelopes just like they find those spots on my body that scream for you, i can imagine the softness of that sweatshirt against my face as we leaned against each other just because we're in love

you looking at the road through the windshield of that red jeep, your profile solid against the background of the moving scenery, our hands entwined as we travelled toward the grocery store running innocuous errands, planning meals because it was fun to think about what to eat together in our shared living room

my hands against your bare chest as we lay in bed

debating heatedly radical race & gender politics

you over me, my hands on your face as i breathe your name

me crying as fear courses through me, a possible interaction with the pigs rattling me, the stress of maintaining our home crashing down on me, your mother screaming at me, your back as you walk out the door, apologetic eyes pleading with me, acknowledging me, loving me even in your anger

i didn't know that i was so in love

and now i can't express my longing enough

today is the day

i start something. that i move forward. today is the day that i decide that i love writing again, that i commit to writing again, that now is the day for the final decision, that i finally write it, that book about me that makes no sense and all the sense in the world all the sense for moving forward that I need right now

if i am going to read i have to read for something, for writing, for talk, for connecting with others who are thinking about it too. without the expression of this bottled up something it is becoming a dead lead weight in me draining me drowning me unexpectedly

i never did expect to feel this way, going numb, feeling dumb, feeling abandoned.

i don't know

what to do with jealousy. i don't understand it, it is destructive, both to the immediate relationship and those surrounding. so unfortunate that we have internalized capitalism so as to destroy ourselves with sentiments of ownership over others, imbued with the same desperation with which we hunger after material goods

only magnified by one thousand

remember

scamming? for those of us born in the early 80's and subject to the grunge era in our adolescence, scamming was tight, scandalous, sexy, fun. Tantalizing. Illicit. Tacitly heterosexual-- I would never describe any of my early sexual explorations with other girls as scamming. Exploitive, particularly on the part of the boys, whose focus on scamming was more vehement, focused, insistent than the girls.

For us young ladies, it was this strange invasion; both welcome and reviled, exciting and disgusting; that hardened part of a boy rubbing up against a your leg, or even more fascinating, against that part of you suddenly softened by an unfamiliar heat. I have a comical and slightly frightening memory of being at Josh's house with my friend Melissa when I was 13. Melissa and Josh were "going out," and were sleeping together-- she was 13 and very physically developed, he was 17 and a traditionally immature teenage dude.

It was a summer day, bright and hot in the little Los Angeles suburb where I was raised. We had walked to Josh's from Melissa's, a good three mile trek. She disappeared into his bedroom after we drank beer on the front deck and smoked joints in the living room of Josh's and his little brother's house. Josh's room was furnished with a bunkbed and mismatched comforters. Imagine having sex in a bunkbed. It was probably more comfortable at 13 than it would be at 27.

His little brother was seedy and crass in that gross, desperate teenage way; a dirty little 'stache, messy jeans and hair, red rimmed stoner eyes. He was a boy to avoid, as evidenced by his name-- it was danny, or johnny, something -nny, a diminutive version of his given name, and he was a smaller, less attractive version of his brother Josh. That day he was set on getting at me- from the minute Melissa and I arrived he was working whatever he could to touch me, handle me, kiss me, fondle me.

Something we knew that we should be defending against while also inviting it; that was the only respectable way to go. If one went to far when scamming it could turn against you, your reputation wasn't exactly ruined in that 50's sense, but you were making yourself vulnerable to the pushy expectations of too many young, overzealous teenage boys. That's what Melissa had to fend off, and I was not going to open up that box.

what i think about

before i fall asleep, the things that keep me awake, the things that haunt me

- jp and the impact his presence and absence has made, the ensuing self hate, etc., including how shitty i feel about him now-- and how shitty that fact makes me feel. Fuck.
- the 600+ i owe psu
- my cc debt of 5000 and my school debt of 30,000. omg that seems HUGE sometimes...
- how i am nearly goddamned 27 and still a goddamned assistant
- that I am aging and falling and i am not taking care of my body-- i consistently overeat and damned if I am gonna get cuter, it's all downhill from here and it feels like i'm not doing enough about it...
- i never write anymore and it is fucking KILLING ME. I don't even have a place to write. I am tempted to become a goddamned junkie or methhead again so that I can find some sort of painfully motivated place-- I need SOMETHING, goddamnit, it seems that my emotional pain isn't fucking enough anymore
- my detachment from my brothers
- my lack of spiritual practice. that leaves me empty and wanting, reminds me of a time when I would meditate for calm and energy, meditate constantly-- it was a good period.

What the hell do I need? I am working on letting go of jp-- and his shit-- and allowing that connection to be in the past. Forever. Sadly, but completely, I hope.

I need to be ok with my debt, because it isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

My body needs exercise and attention, and I can give it both things in plenty-- I will just institute a regimen and stick to it, and remember what to eat. And what not to eat. Eating for total health is my new goal-- and not overeating; allowing myself to get hungry and eating to sate that hunger, not to forget or anaesthetize.

I can have the will to write, and I MAKE THE DECISION NOW to do it daily. If it is just a page in my diary, so be it-- I can extend that to a million other places, particularly if I prioritize it.

Meditation is not that hard. Starting tomorrow, I will sit for 5 minutes in the morning and 5 in the eve. When I feel stressed or overtired, I will find a place to do some fire breathing during the day, as well.

Argh. I want to change my life, starting NOW. Here are some of my intentions-- easily accessible as reminders.

yeah

so

thanks, i suppose. um. i am learning a lesson here-- what have I done to other people? i wonder.

and

i'm not going to moon over you any longer-- I will continue to love you as a person, and I will not continue to wait for you to love me. I can't wait for you to love yourself.

You are ambitious, creative, compassionate, interesting, intellectual, hilarious, challenging... which is why it is so hard to say goodbye. We are both these things, and we met in a beautiful space between us, a sacred and loving space where two spirits intertwined

i'm sorry you weren't ready for me, darling.

it makes me completely sad

that i have to truly say goodbye to you. I never expected you to drop off, to stop connecting completely-- and damn, my heart has more broken under the prospect of your turning away absolutely from our connection than it ever did to stop dating you.

I am struggling to internalize that it is not my fault that you are behaving this way. It is not me, my body, my face, my intelligence; being ignored by you, however, is one of the most painful things that has happened in my life... for a while. And it just continues to ache. And I just continue to blame myself and see an ugly person in the mirror

a person who didn't deserve you

and it makes me hate us

i can't handle

myself sometimes. i got hit in the eye. i don't want to talk to anyone. i want to lay in my bed and be nothing and nobody and pretend that nothing happened that was STUPID last night, like me processing way too much and sending stupid texts and being a fucking asshole.

I DRINK LIKE AN ASSHOLE

CANT HANDLE IT ANYMORE

hello

me. i've been all over, emotionally. lately. yeah. hi, everyone, i'm getting better. i'm coming back, and i never expected to be taken so, so far away...

hello, me.

my daddy always said

that we have the control over the way we feel about things and events in our lives; I have been feeling particularly out of control lately, and not in a positive way.

I am making the decision today to be happy about my job, to be content with my singularity and happy for the people I care about in my life. I want to interact with every person with acceptance, dignity and care. I believe in myself, and today will be an example of this.

and though i continue to notice your absence i am relieved to have decided that this thing is in your hands, as i will pursue my own liberation

plenty capable hands they are

my god

where am i going and what am i doing

you haunt me and i want it to stop i let tonight go and i am both dying and thanking myself

is this what life is? i feel like i am going to go numb, lose all feeling soon, and my body and mind are struggling to maintain sensation, so i am just stuck in feelings and hurt and anxiety and passion and excitement and selfloathing and

all of it

where can i go for help? It feels like i am lost and loose and i have not felt so untethered in years. Portland was my cradle, I was bundled there, and here...

Do i need help? or is everything fine? am i looking for that frantic pace that I felt in college and simply adjusting? is the absence of you- and you- and you- and you- finally beginning to take its toll?

two faces haunt me. neither passed, simply gone from my life in any substantial fashion. both leave deep wounds, one less expected than the other.

i thought that three months would be enough. Where I am now, however, if at all an indicator for almost 1/3 of the way there, I am nowhere near bandaged enough to stop bleeding all over the people around me. I don't even feel presentable at a bar, in a restaurant, i feel young and stupid and too sincere for my own damn good

you know what is

totally strange?

that i love spending time with you. that when i'm with you, i am content. a little discontent, because i want so much of you. the amount of you that i became accustomed to in that short period of time. the total of you that pulled me irresistably toward you, regardless of my intentions.

and now it is difficult to settle for any less. all i want is you. i want more than you can give. i want to give you more than i should


blend shift move change into two one

but damn

i am fucking scared that you
- are lying to me
- don't really care about me
- really, that you are lying to me.

please don't be doing those things. please. just fucking tell me. the problem here is, i suppose, that i really don't know you. i have no idea what you might do. ugh.

but damn

you really seem like an upstanding person. this is a challenge, because usually i trust people-- and you make me damn nervous and i want to fucking trust you. damn fucking nervous

i would

paint your portrait over everything mundane

you are settling in like sand on a river bottom
so accustomed to travel i am that your presence seems alien
i expect your apprehension
your doubt and fear and the running
not security and care
and honesty

where did you come from?
escaping from the woodwork the wallpaper of my life
you exclaim that you are here

blowing a ragged hole in my carefully tended facade

the ups and downs of

this are extreme. but i guess i asked for it.

sigh.

i used to

think that feelings like this needed to go away, leave, never to be felt again.

i realized today that this fear is meant to reveal something to me. i have been running from fear in relationships because i am deeply afraid of being vulnerable. so now i get to feel my fear, and get all sorts of triggered about prior feelings like this in other relationships, and work on all of it. what an opportunity, right? i'm actually feeling good about it.

yay for me. never could have figured that one out on my own. sigh.

WALK THE PLANK

i mean, i enjoy dating and all, but I only enjoy it under certain conditions. i.e., when I am in control; when i feel more relaxed; when i can get lots and lots of support; when it is goddamned convenient. I hate/love dating. All in one breath and moment.

jeanette winterson, _written on the body_: FALL IN LOVE is like WALK THE PLANK. i want to avoid this feeling at all costs. i am deathly afraid of the pain, the rejection, the consequences, for all of my rhetoric about hurt being an unavoidable and necessary part of life. My brain believes my rhetoric, don't get me wrong, but my body still wants to run far far away, too far to be touched or affected

afflicted

what i am saying, folks, is that i am scared shitless right now.

fuck

sometimes i truly hate myself. i set myself up for these falls and i hate it that i regress into patterns I truly dislike and feelings I avoid and man...

i can't help but think. and the thinking is difficult. there is no sign or reason-- only thought.

relax into myself. do what you love. live your strong life. do not run from hurt.

ok now

whoa. i'm not sure I anticipated the feelings that I am experiencing.



i really did, i loved him as well as I could. and i miss him more than words can express right now. for my graduation at the beach j showed himself in a way he hadn't before and i was blessed with his honest smile radiating from his eyes through his skin like he really meant it and we joked about our engagement photos

one like this we were to use on the announcement

and we talked ridiculousness: where our girls would go to school, what instruments they might play, if we should go to Guam to raise them, how i might fare there, what I would have to prepare for, how we would keep getting support for our emotional selves there... so much more. how he would start teaching if i got pregnant then and i contemplated trying so that we could just settle in to being together and start a life and maybe he would step up if i carried his child

in my dream there were two girls; one with lighter hair, the taller one, and one with darker standing and waving to j and i as we walked away they stood in front of palm trees hair blowing in the wind

i assumed they were ours and i miss the idea of them too

i absolutely

tried to write the other day and my post was somehow lost in the ether of the internet

i am feeling lost as well, so perhaps it is appropriate that my forlorn prose lose its footing. regardless. my life is not so bad. i have a home, some money, people around me who seem to value aspects of me. yet i feel unrooted, my stays have come loose, i think of my previous home and simple things like lighting and snow and loud housemates downstairs and meditating and loving and feeling safe and cared for and never alone, and if alone marginally temporarily so

and now i seem to be both seeking it and running from it. here i am. people come towards me, want things from me again, yet it is not close and fulfilling, it is empty and false as i am less clear

i feel humiliated, scared, tokenised, fetishized, animated smiling accomodating flesh to stay another person's fear fill needs left unmet through no concious fault of their own

i want t, l, r, s, n, even k, d.m., my mom. i want my community. i want cherry. i want safety, sobriety, i want my jonny, i miss his hands and face and our fights and making up and loving each other and dreaming of family and the islands and our little girls

something seems to have wilted inside a bit

it is time

for bed, yet here i am.

i am so concerned that I will disappoint myself in the task ahead. feeling a little down about it, i suppose- right now, it seems that everything is so vibrant and alive around me. Spring rises from the ground and blooms in the air, the sunshine turning whiter in the sky and through my windows streaming, illuminating things i hadn't really seen since summer turned its back

the arms of a new lover wrapping vinelike around my body, holding me together, my lungs screaming for boundaries right now

i've been breathing all too hard, looking for oxygen that's been here all the while i've been turning blue

i am willing

to give, and allow for others to do exactly what they need to do, and not take it personally. i get a little afraid that I won't get anything I need in return, that I will somehow continue unacknowledged, but in the end- whose endorsement am I looking for? the other woman's? When really i just need the my girl to see me, not anyone else she's dating.

how much

of anything we do is natural? is part of who we are as human beings? Are we meant to sit around and do nothing, on our asses? is laziness a part of our makeup? For that matter, is industry? Is tireless work part of our human nature?

i think i might be feeling depressed. or something. i haven't been getting very many sessions, and i am relatively uninterested in hanging out with my friends. Or maybe its that I can't right now.

never again

will i ever own a television. ever. ever again. i fucking hate that life sucking thing and i hate my addiction to it. days like this when i feel so fucking broke down i just cant say no and goddamn i hate it.

it has been a while

and so much has been happening, it is almost driving me crazy... but of course it is a deep feeling of fear that has brought me back to my oh so lovely blog. I always write when i'm feeling afraid or overwhelmed, it seems.

And it is my internalized sexism/patriarchy again that has me reeling. I am dating a wonderful woman who I am totally into, and I went on a date with a friend of mine (a dude.) It was fine, but it doesn't seem like he wants to hang out like that again- and for some reason, I have that deep feeling of fear. That rejection feeling.

This time, however, I would like to savor it instead of hating it. I want to really notice it and give it some time instead of worry about it and feel like shit. Rejection is not such a big deal, at all; it seems to happen almost everyday in many of our lives. Sometimes people just have to say no, based on their own needs and trajectories.

It feels particularly awful, however, to be rejected by a man; something about my survival stuff comes in strong. Really, I have no need to be wanted by S. I don't really have a lot of time to give him. My time is taken up a lot with mer and my friends/family and school... so I should have backed off anyway.

See? Chastizing myself without any reason. Sigh. Time to end the cycle of bullshit, eh? I am completely powerful AND hot no matter what.

yeah.

this is the feeling

that i despise. that worry that i will be cast off, abandoned. I hate liking someone, i really do, it makes me crazy and i don't want to be left

and i don't want to call her. i have this habit of calling when i feel this crazy, and i have to remember what i really want and what's going on; even if she does decide that this is not for her I am ok, and my trajectory continues on its inorexable path. and we will be friends.

if i hate this feeling, why am i feeling it? i am gonna let this one go. right now.

off to the showers.

sometimes i don't know

the answer to that question. am i gay? if the definition of gay is: preference of sexual relationships/love relationships with folks of the same sex, then I am gay. I am gay and I have male lovers, but i prefer the attentions and day-in-day-out of women. I love making love to women, and i adore that period after sex, even with a casual lover, where you connect and cuddle and care for each other. love it. i hate disconnected, fuck-you-like-a-hole-in-the-mattress sort of sex, and how they collapse afterwards while you wonder when the fuck you're gonna get yours.

I don't want to be jaded, but i'm sorry boys, the general rule is that you fuck me as if i'm not there. Sometimes there are exceptions, but even my best boys have done/do that. The general rule with women is that they stay in the room and are excited to have you there too.

I want to be making love to someone, i'm tired of disconnected fucking, even with casual lovers.

for now.

today i am

overstimulated. way too titillated. I am having an extremely difficult time focusing on anything; all I can think about is sex, all i can feel is the slight buzz reverberating through my body. It doesn't help that i keep looking at her friendster page... at all.
goddamnit. i have plenty to do without this preoccupation. I don't think i've been this overwhelmed, physically, in a long time.
I guess i'll go home and work out. perhaps that will help. if i'm lucky.

i am so

wound up I can hardly sit in this chair. I know I have schoolwork to do, and I can't do it yet because I don't have my books; I have writing to do but, again, i'm all wound up. Why, you ask? Well, that would be just a little *too* much to post here right now, my pretty friends.

but of course it has to do with my getting laid.

i am not

very used to delayed gratification. this must be one of the lessons i was meant to learn here...

shit. er.

i went

to the meeting, and sat there *almost* crying the whole time; it was strange to be in a self-help environment without the explicit permission to cry as much as i wanted or needed to.

it's true, people there are very accepting, and there was something overwhelmingly-ridiculously-surprisingly freeing about being in a room with lots of folks who have had similar life experiences and declaring myself. I cried then. I made _the_ decision. For today. I feel fear & anxiety about the possibility of looking crazy and losing people, while i feel powerful in this decision that I believe will be the best for me; it's the next step in my personal liberation. I believe that.

i did this, i made this mess, and i've picked myself up and decided to move the fuck on into a different future for myself. shit.

sigh.

i've really fucked this one up. i'm feeling so frikin shitty about my stupidass behavior that i kinda wanna just stay in my room forever. obviously, the situation would not be helped by my self hate, however, and I have to work to make this better- in whatever way she wants me to. i am feeling: ultra embarrassed, overwhelmed, guilty, and more than anything I am feeling shocked at myself and disappointed in how I lost control of that damaging thing that's had me in its clutches before--- the drink. so here i go, launching on another period of sobriety and self-reflection, hoping to regain my hold on myself. i guess i'm always gonna struggle with this.

i'm so lucky to have friends that are willing to call me out and require my accountability; and I have faith in my community to always kick me back into line. I promise, however, that they won't always have to. i promise. i'm so sorry. not that it helps any.

you know what sucks even more? i hate the feeling that r might have always been right about me, and everytime i do something stupid like this that old feeling comes back and I hear his remonstrations regarding my behaviors. i want those messages out of my head- i really don't think they help me any.

well i've

gone and been an asshole again. the drinking has become a problem, just this past week or so. Since new years. Since amy and i went to little tokyo. So, now, I have to decide not to drink again. Sigh. I can do a month- and I want to. I'm sorry, k, for being so insensitive.
I'm not a very good drunk anymore. This whole "general moderation" thing has made it difficult to be a good heavy drinker. Maybe I was never very good at it, though, and i'm just mature enough to notice how stupid I am now.

something has

changed. i feel differently about where i am and what I am doing. i told them on our last morning together that my heart had shifted from pdx to sfc; i am looking with all too much bated breath for my future away from portland. i am plagued: what if its not what we want it to be? what if those four days together was some blessed pocket of time, destined to be just that- an isolated incident? then I calm myself; the love i feel from and for them is deep, has an identifiable history marked by trial and triumph. that history and committment makes our collective and individual connections more than fleeting experiences. right?
hey, guys? i am missing the crap out of you right now.

okay, today

is not a day wherein i should be interacting with human beings. irritation is riding high. stress, stress, stress- impacting me right now. on top of that, i am feeling ultra triggered by my male housemate. i can't tolerate anything that even looks like home neglect from him right now- all of my frustration with s & n's inactivity around the house is combining with my general frustration with his non-involvement to create a giant, ulcerous pimple of frustration. I just want to stay in my room, the one place that I can control right now, the one place where I am the only one to fuck it up and when i clean it it stays clean.

I want some understanding around the fact i'm in finals. last night i felt like i could tolerate anything and everything-- but today i am feeling overwhelmed. sigh. i still work, i still go to school, i'm still doing everything. whatever. whatever. whatever.

this is the life i chose, the place i choose, and the people i choose. that is the ultimate truth, whether or not jon decides to put away his goddamned dinner stuff or not. goddamn. goddamn. goddamn. goddamn.

no really

i hate the television. and i hate what our society does to people. i hate what the television does to me. we have EVERY CHANNEL you can think of! and it is fucking insane. i really want to get it out of my life. ack ack ack
i think watching television makes me think i'm fat
and i think constantly about how i need to lose weight/get a flat belly/etc.
shit. again: i want to be healthy for me. not for anyone else. i ride my bike, i work on my body, i eat healthy food and my body is an amazing tool for the full living of this life. yeh. fuck a whole lotta sitting around watching some shitty teevee.

in other news. finals week. i'm reading a lot, which is great for me. j just got back from breitenbush; his energy reminds me of how I want to live- always in awe, always open, always loving. i'm going to the woods this coming weekend, and i'm super excited for it. i miss nature. i will miss her a lot more when i move, so i want to get as much of it as i possibly can.
i have to stop helping s with her diet stuff- i want her to be healthy too much. she's drinking a soda and its super not good for her belly, and i don't want to be so disappointed. too much investment. and i think it pisses n off, to have me involved like this.
ALSO--- news flash!!! I think i'm doing really frickin well with the "no relationship" thing. I don't even want to go near it. i do have a crush, I may ask her out. i hope she saw my friendster photo and caption- "i won't be your girlfriend." because i simply will.not.be.anyones.girlfriend.rite.now.

i revise my

"want" list. Yesterday I heard the most depressing comment from the lips of a woman that I thought understood. Fact: I've been poly for a long time, both during and outside of long term relationships. Fact: just recently I've decided to not be in a relationship. Fact: I wanted to be in a relationship with you that would have lasted over a year, before I left for grad school. Being poly had nothing to do with protecting myself from a longer relationship. That comment was similar an exchange like this:
Man: Good thing you're gay; it protects you from having to be in a _REAL_ relationship.
Woman: Um.
Oh well. This is why i'm not trying to do anything with anyone. I'm tired of this shit.
Back to paper-writing.

what the fuch

am i doing? it feels like I don't know anymore. Here I sit, wasting my time and life----- doing what? Today I watched tv for 3 hours. I have finals next week, a paper due tomorrow, and I don't know why the fuck I'm not working on this shit.
so i go upstairs after a shower, and start fucking around online. the poly listserv is fucked, its supposed to snow tomorrow, and no new emails from d or b. hence, i look at this page. check it out if you want. www.writeaprisoner.com

"I've been buried beneath this cold concrete and iron steel since 1991 and over the years I've been pretty much forgotten about by both family and friends. I have however managed to maintain a positive attitude, sense of humor, and a strong spirit through it all. Sitting in this desolate cage day after day, I do realize that I've made some mistakes and bad choices along the way that put me here today. But this is life and we all make mistakes because we're only human. What's important is that we don't pass judgment on the next person, but treat each other as you wish to be treated. I feel that even though four walls imprison my body, I still have a lot to offer mentally and emotionally. I'm a very down to earth person; understanding, open mined and a great sense of humor."

spending the rest of his life in prison. california, three strikes. so many of these men are spending the rest of their lives in prison, and many more than that are serving such extraordinarily long sentences that it shocks the crap outta me. Ten years for possession, fraud. Monstrous sentences. Life-ending sentences. People wonder why recidivism is such a problem.

i'm gonna go write a paper. i'm going to remember how glad i am that the cops never caught me. i'm gonna keep these people who have been "forgotten by both friends and family" in my thoughts, even though I don't know exactly what to do about it.

i don't want

a new gf. i want the old one back. that would be much easier and more fun that dealing with a whole new deal. today i almost accidentally came out to my family. "my ex's kid..." caught myself in time. i'm not ready, particularly with the stress cases that make up my familial circle.

something

that annoys the crap out of me: folks who have a hard time taking responsibility for their indiscretions. No big deal, most of the time; however, when it is a w.m. grabbing the reigns of his entitlement and riding off into the sunset it makes me want to puke. Oh, so you think you have the right to leave me hanging at work like this? And when I mention it you're gonna act like i'm being crazy? I WILL KILL YOU. Don't underestimate my craziness, you motherfucker. I won't report you to our boss but I will _NOT_ allow you to act like that. Think again.

i want

to turn this thing off, really. turn the whole relationship thing off. i just wanna live my life. i hate seeing attractive people and thinking about the possibility of some sordid tryst or whatever. I don't want to be sex neg, obviously, i just want my brain to stop tormenting me.

y'know

i don't want to love him anymore. fuck. i want to be done. i want to be free of this. i don't want to care that he's with someone else. if he wasn't with anyone, i probably wouldnt have these shitty feelings. living with her. in our house. shit.

i think thats not the whole of it, though... i am making a decision to not be with anyone right now, to be happy by myself, to work on myself physically/emotionally/artistically- to develop the entire me, the wholistic person. seeing him with her makes me feel utterly alone- like somehow i've failed, he found someone when i couldn't. he is happy and partnered while i am not.

To be completely clear, however, i do not want to be partnered, with anyone. I am specifically steering clear of those entanglements, as much as I feel pulled toward them- I haven't techically been single for more than a couple months since I was.... 19? I think I was nineteen. I am twenty-five now, and unwilling to brave whatever heartbreak or drama or bullshit that might accompany any sort of sexual/romantic engagement. There are too many other things I want to do with my time.

i want everyone to leave me alone. i want this specter of r & my relationship to leave me alone. i can make those decisions... and move on with my life. right?

i'm ready to leave portland, everyone. leave all this shit behind and move on.

why

do i feel like shit? what do i have to be worried about? let's make a list.
- relationship with r & other ppl
- going to grad school
- graduating college
- turning in this grant
- getting good grades this term
- money.
Ok. Good stuff. Ok, so my relationship with r will be what it will be. no more, no less. i have to just be who I am, struggles and all. me, the imperfect package. I'm not applying to grad school this term. SIGH!! SHIT!! SIGH!! I will graduate from college- no matter what- in August. This grant is no biggie. at all. i just have to write a proposal. My grades will most likely be fine, and if I need money I can work more. the end. the end. the end. the end.

i'm tired

of talking to people about my struggles. i just want to make decisions and figure shit out. i don't want to talk about drama anymore. at all. i don't want drama period. just do it, stop talking about it. sigh.
what am i doing? where the fuck am i going? i have not felt this consistently messed up for many years. many years.
i want to get the fuck out of portland. new start. no stigma.

gre score

1200.
not too good
not horrible.
if i take it again...
i need to review how to calculate a slope.
BOOYAH

a letter to a friend

It really is nice to hear from you- it pulls on my heartstrings, definitely- i miss you. It seems like you're having a good life, which is great to see.

Yeah, I guess I owe you an explanation. It was so hard for me when i found out that you married the man who is now your husband. For one thing, his use of derogatory terms when it comes to people of color and lgbtq folks really scared the living daylights out of me. Part of the reason- i was closeted. i'm a big queer. sure, i still love men, and i sleep with them occasionally- and i love women. and everyone in between. so when your husband (then boyfriend) said things like "faggot" all the time it scared me shitless. Beside the fact that i'm queer, i am now and always have been against the use of that language and the oppression of lgbtq folks in general. Also, you must remember that I come from a multicultural family- and at the time, your boyfriend was using language like "n***er" and "sp*c" all the time- which I am downright not ok with. at all. ever. As I got older I got even less ok with it- it has become more and more apparent to me that the link between oppressive language and physical&social violence against people of color are closely linked. Where is the line drawn? When does the namecalling of faggot or ni**er turn into an asskicking for the gay and the black person? The line is very thin indeed- and there are daily examples of its transgression, sometimes fatal examples.
I fear your husband for these reasons. He may have changed over the last 5+ years, I absolutely admit that. I have been overlooking his ability to change, and i need to get more in touch with my compassion around this issue. What hurt me more, i think, was what looked like your complicity with his oppressive language and behaviors. Your marriage to him looked like the ultimate endorsement.
Perhaps you have done something that I never could- take on a big white man and invest in his long term change and transformation around tolerance and liberation. I never gave you the chance to tell me about it- i just ran away. Which is my error, i will admit.

In the end, it doesn't matter what I think about your life, husband and marriage. What matters is that you're happy- i will always be happy if you're happy. I miss you alot, girl; sitting in the backyard drinking a beer with you sounds like the best afternoon ever.

sigh

i got letters from two professors today, wondering where i am/when i'm gonna get crackin' at something or another, i thought we were supposed to meet, are you gonna write this grant, and i am thinking to myself

shit

i gotta get it together. i thought i had it together. but i've really been amidst a semi personal crisis of testtaking and futureprobing. i haven't been reading what i want to read (hacking, stocking, davis, horn, terry), I haven't been doing what I love- i called off almost a whole week of teaching! this gre has beat me up. so fuck it. i'm gonna take it and i'm gonna move on with my life. after I clean my room, of course. :)

after the GRE tomorrow (get it out of my face already) and after my relaxing drinking dinner tomorrow nite I am gonna get up on Saturday and write some letters, read some books and move my ass to the academic beat like a methed out raver.

nothing can stress me out
i tell you- nothing
yeh, what.

shan says

that my eyes are all cracked out
i know i have hives- on my neck and back
at dinner it hit me- i don't want to do this
live this way right now
friday come sooner please
get this shit over with

check it out

i'm so tired of writing all the time i could puke. i'm ready to do something different... i am in a phase where i'm appreciating a lot of street art, and noticing the amazing things folks are trying to say in these so visible proclamations.
like, fuck pills:

the palm trees and seedy california atmposphere of this photograph make me terribly terribly homesick.

i'm constantly

wanting something that i don't have. when i'm in a relationship, i want to be free of it. when i'm not in a relationship, i want a long term lover. what is up? i don't want anything and I want everything. i love my life, i love my work, and i want someone to be happily and healthily here with me during it all. i want a drama free and consistent relationship.
regardless, i can't look for that right now. i can meet folks, hang out, etc, but it is completely pointless to start anything. i want to just enjoy my friends and my home before it is time for me to leave them. i really want, and am ready, to leave. i feel almost exhausted at times with Portland. Shan, Nic & I have lots of fun, sure- but i feel as though i am not connecting well with a whole contingent of ppl i connected well with before. it's almost like i don't care any more about the same things, subjects are repetitive- how many times am i gonna talk about gentrification? about patronizing appropriate businesses? about a/r stuff in general? s made a good observation last night, and one that i agree with. as hard as it may have been to hear it was also relieving: when is everyone gonna stop talking about it and do it?
deep sigh. good question, and i ask myself the same thing. i do my best to walk my talk, and go out of my way to have close relationships with ppl of color. That is the step that helps to change a lot of the other dynamics white antiracists talk about. i think, unfortunately, that many of my friends are not it that place in their lives right now- and many times talk replaces action. to quote thavius beck
thought determines what you want
action determines what you get
s was not very happy about the conversation she heard. and some stupid things were said, i think; stupid things were likely said by me. it is true, however, that white ppl have to talk about stupid things in order to get their heads on correct. ppl of color just shouldn't have to listen to it.


A completely different subject: Why do i care about my research?

...

I was looking at a friend's friendster page, and they're all "so political" and "so politically popular" and like hanging out with white folks and doing anti-racist work and i can't help feeling like, jealous or something, something hurts inside... y'know, i do/don't approve of the work some of these ppl do, and man, do I feel excluded or something- like, "why aren't I a political rockstar like them?" There is one pic of abovementioned friend with a young white man that I've had conflict with in another organization, and it makes me feel wierd----- that these traveling anti-racist types with a whole lotta superiority stuff and (seemingly) fake humility get something i don't. Here i sit, researching something that seems real to me, teaching a class, and I feel all sorts of strange that i'm not more involved in a community organization, that I don't get recognition.
man, fuck recognition. this is not why i do what i do. things that are important to me:
- building anti-racist conciousness with as many people as I can
- engaging in radical and anti-oppressive teaching practices at work
- researching and uncovering systems of inequality in the United States
- maintaining compassion and love for folks of all walks of life- never shutting anyone out of my heart, even for a moment.
I have to remember that I teach anti-oppression every day. Cherry and I facilitate a radical curriculum- we are creating long-term change in our immediate environment by building anti-oppression analysis with young folks. sigh. ok. i feel better.

it's amazing

how perspectives can shift based simply on personal change. I decided to believe that everything is ok- and goddamn if it isn't ok. I hope I always cultivate the tools i've learned over the last four years- my brother was right. you do get better at life. at least i've gotten better.
part of it is a real decision to rise above the suffering that i inflict on myself so regularly. not necessarily above it, i suppose; more like differentiated from it. non-integrated.
How have i decided to live my life? As a conduit for the love and energy that surrounds me. Frustration, fear, anger, hurt- these things have informed my life, and they are not separate from me, necessarily. I don't want to live my life based on what such things dictate.

my students this year are such fantastic people. My last mentor session of the day- my 12:00- is primarily male, and it is fascinating to notice the ways in which they are so used to interacting with each other. Ridicule, particularly of each other's weak or possibly- simply possibly, not necessarily- embarrassing aspects is a normal and accepted way of functioning with each other. Today, for the first time, I told them to stop laughing. Ooh, did they shut up quicklike!

ok, i get it.

i think that i'm being blown off by a guy i've been crushing on, a lovely boy i brought home friday night. i'm not sure this has really ever happened before.

great feeling, this. mmm. stupid to do potentially hurtful things 2 weeks before a big standardized test, during the grad application process.

well, i guess i can have a good memory, right?

in better news, thanner will be in town on thursday. (sigh of relief.) even with all the shit i have to do, it will be so pleasant to see him. it's always comforting to be around the people who love you unconditionally. on a similar note, david called me from ecuador! man, do i miss the crap outta him. and, brian wrote me today. i love my boys.

my meeting with my mentor today was soothing as well. i didn't want to leave his office, it felt so good to talk and argue with him- he's so, funny, he's a strange man in some ways, and he gets overwhelmed by me, i think. while i was being all big and excited about the awards ceremony he motioned at me to calm down. It was really, very funny, seeing him getting flustered. i totally love him, partly because it seems like he respects me and thinks my research is worthwhile. The other part is wrapped up in my fascination with him- his attitudes, his academic p.o.v., his flustered demeanor, his disheveled professsor look. it's true, i kinda have a crush on him, but it's a harmless little thing. One of my friends has had a few close calls with a professor recently, and i must admit i totally envy her. how sexy is that, an illicit tryst with a man who is your superior and so strictly off limits? Brains are an amazing turn-on for dorks like my friend and I. (she thinks my mentor is hot too, btw. sigh. stupid endless and fruitless fantasies.) I told him that i was strictly gay, i didn't want him to be nervous around me- he is, of course, of much more use to me as an academic mentor than anything else.

If you read books and can talk theory, any gender, you're on. Let's have a martini. If you were raised male or identify as male, please have a great anti-sexist analysis. it really is very hot.

um

i feel kinda wierd today. a boy spent the nite last nite, a nice boy, and i feel a little possessive all of the sudden- me. possessive. i guess that can be normal, in some situations. last nite he was the cutest darn thing ever, all romantic and kissy, cuddly and etc, it really felt like he stayed in the room with me, he didn't mentally or emotionally exit. unusual. really. he kept pausing and opening the drapes, looking outside with the moonlight on his face and it was so darned touching
really
he said nice things
and comforted me
and i feel a little smitten
its true
and i'm feeling a little scared too. i want to call, but i don't want to look desperate or anything... i want to just say hi, no, really i want to invite him over and cuddle some more. but i'm having dindin with tia, and i really want to see her/hang out with her, so... yeh.

this is creepy.

i feel singularly overwhelmed at the thought of not getting into the best school, about maybe compromising somehow. i am so choked up i can hardly talk to folks. i need some attention. i'm questioning my whole plan, the plan i've had in my back pocket for so long, jeez i just wanna live i wanna move i wanna just be and fuckitall i wanna be in school and doing research it all just seems so hard so competitive i don't wanna fail i don't wanna fall so do i just not do it because i may not succeed like i want to
i don't know
i don't know

i'm having

a crisis of age. i'm sad i'm not younger, thinner, more able at some fucking thing. mostly biking. i'm not the best biker, i'd love to be better. i wanna be that pretty little thing again, the one getting all that attention. the person i used to be. sure, i still get attention. but i remember a time when i could count on it all the time. it fed something inside of me, something silly and small but damn.

it seems as though i better get thinner/prettier/fitter now, before i get any older, if I want to enjoy this time... and enjoy my body... hmmph...

maybe i should just do my (star) assignment.

this is sucky

sometimes i make shitty decisions. so rite now i sit here, trying to read for class, thinking that my living situation MAY NOT fall apart for any reason. please god, let me do this well. i've dealt with so many hard situations- scary, overwhelming, confusing situations. i can, and will, overcome my fear about this. What i really want: to get out of my own way, to not take anyone else's fear on, to not take anyone else's shit on period, and to think really damn clearly about this. i must be able to live my life here without tension right now. if anyone can handle this well, i can, i am the most amazing at this. really. i am rad with people. tension does not need to exist in any way, stress does not need to be here, they are not predetermined and unavoidable reactions, they are based on fear and fear is the mind-killer. (hee hee, book dork reference.)

today i saw you

and my heart broke

baby

i kinda hope you read this thing. i don't really feel like i can talk to you right now- not that you wouldn't hear, but I don't think i could speak. i feel like my tongue has been ripped from my mouth, i cant say anything when i see your face at the end of the phone, i can feel your lips through the microoptic length between us and i get breathless, formless, i melt inarticulate. i think about your body and your breath, the in out of your chest smooth against your milky skin
i am breathless formless inarticulated against the force and beauty of you. against the knowledge i confront that keeps us alone in our separate worlds on the other end of the phone distinct and distant
i am sorry i can't think or do anything else right now i can only think of me and i cannot help but be that selfish thing this moment is a crucial ladder rung
to get me up and out
i am already though i know no need to say it

fuck

i didn't break up with her because i don't want to be with her.
or: i broke up with her for reasons other than not wanting to be with her.
or: i want to be with this amazing woman that i just broke up with.

you might be asking, so why did you break up, then?
- because i really can't commit over this year. at all. i realized that i really don't want to. i have a dream that i'm chasing down, really it's not just a dream, it is a damn good reality and i don't want to have a partner of any sort when i move outta this lovely little town. i want to go and live on 500 a month and worry just about my own well being, not the well being of anyone else.
- I don't want to process all the time about the possibility/likelyhood of breaking up in a year.
- I don't want to be pushed away all the time because i'm going away. that night, as she lay next to me stock still and unresponsive i felt sad and alone, ice, far away. She said that there are parts that she's not showing me; places that she will not go. that statement made me want to die. die. die. die. die. die. die. die. I HATE being held at arm's length.
- she is sad. if i'm dictating these terms, how can she be happy? if they are not terms she likes, how can she be happy? if it's all about me getting what i need and not about her, how can she be happy? if she wants a long term relationship, and i can't do that, how can she be happy?
- the prospect of building resentment between us scares the crap outta me.

god i miss her already. thanner says that we can still be in each other's lives, that it will all be ok, that i can still.... oh fuck it. i'm not happy.

she's beautiful, isn't she?

i am freaking out

i think i did the right thing.
when does one know?

the missing has started already
i somehow can't imagine my life without you
when before i thought maybe it would be
better that way
for both of us

two people:
loving each other
on different paths
or not so different after all
we're all human, right? struggling together to more deeply understand ourselves and our places. she asked me tonite: where did i go? all the things i have told her i'm running away from. toward something, some ultimate freedom i am so afraid of losing

i can't stop thinking about movies with you, about driving in the car with you, moments shared eyes locked one place where we both can live for right now, that pretty and comfortable and pleasing place, where vulnerability and self are revealed majestically

i told her to not care about the future. but now all of the sudden i care so much about the turnout. i celebrate and look forward to my solitary adventure in a year, and i don't want to compromise that vision- i don't want that vision to change. and she wants something i don't want. i want something she doesn't want. will it come up again, and again and again, over and over and bitterness and resentment building, a year in the making...

i told laura today that i want to be single. really, i just don't want to have to process the possibility of breaking up all the time.

goddamn

what if... everything i'm doing is for nothing? What if dr. beyler is simply humoring me- what if i really don't have the talent, i've been fooling myself and convincing my self that i'm a damn big fish, a big smart fish, but i'm living in a basketball sized pond. when i'm transferred to the lake i'm dead meat. eaten immediately. more fit to chug it out in my little fish bowl, than to get transferred... out into the open water...
should i ask him? i wonder what he'd say.

ok, mom?

don't read the rest of the blog. Please. don't read any more. ok? love you.

this sinking

feeling sucks. there are things I know; and there are things that i regret, there are things that i would rather not be true. Baggage I would rather not exist. Memories that I wish would go away. There are people that haunt my conciousness, people that no longer occupy the sameness that they were for me; and yet I condemn them to their pasts, as I do myself at times. Particularly as I lay in my bed, my secondary sheets rub slight holes in my skin, as my memories do on my brain, too rough for my delicate awareness, now. Why the stabs of guilt and memory? The pangs of past that hit me when i need to sleep, when i need to write? Are you remembering me as well? For all the forgetting I have attempted, the nonchalance I affected when casting you off or trying to forget you, the bile in my belly rises and attacks me when your visage presents itself in my brain. I am sorry. I do miss you, many of you- and I think of you, too often right now for my own good.

this happens every time. love reminds me of past love, desire of past transgressions. I am becoming jaded as I attempt to never repeat my past mistakes.

i wrote this a long time ago, not sure exactly how long:

as much as i ever loved you that fullness still lives in my heart cold & hot all at the same time & when i take a moment to look i see your pretty face looking back because you are caught too
I have no idea for how long though
our circles will not coincide
forever

could it be

that my love for you speaks
contradicting me and my idealism

i want you to be happy
and get what you need
someone who can give you
things that scare me

why waste your time?
i'm too unstable
impractical
wrong
i'm too much
i love you too much
to hurt you later
it might be easier now
even if i have to die a little

i want to give you everything
especially now
when i should be trying
practicality

...

my eyes

can hardly open
anymore
a long day
long hours
spent
thinking of you

your soft skin
against my cheek
your smell fills my senses
even though...
you're not here

can i clutch tight
to these small tokens
things left
forgotten
in my room

hold them
feeling their
you-ness

nothing like
your soft skin
against my cheek
it is a stale scent
although welcome
plenty.

sigh

i haven't felt this way in a long time. baby, you have been a shining light in my life- i won't ever take you for granted. whatever happens, don't forget me, don't forget what we've done. i love you.

it is horrible

to see folks that I went to high school with on friendster/myspace, or really anywhere on the internet. y'know why? because high school was painfully embarrassing. And I was a fucked up drug addict in high school. I was probably absolutely horrible to folks and I might not remember any of it. And then I see folks that did messed up shit to me, and I wanna find them and beat the shit out of them. or hug them and tell them its ok. at least something emotional and restorative.

Hey everyone, I'm sorry I was a fucked up addict. I'm not anymore. I put my life back together, I'm healing myself- and i'm scared shitless to talk to most of you. so there we go.

Jordan, I'm sorry. Charlotte, you were awfully mean to me, but I'm sure I deserved some of it. I remember sitting in Jordan's living room, probably coming down or something as melodramatic, and crying about how it felt like no one cared, no one loved me. James looked at me and said, well maybe that's because no one does. I stopped crying.

i just wanted to feel ok, and drugs did that for me. for a little while. Just trying to get by. What did the other kids without mamas do? What did the other kids with overworked parents do? I dunno. This is what i did. Snorted and smoked meth. ick.

i just remembered

mitch. what a memory. we really loved each other, loved hanging out with each other, seeing each other, he loved me. he was the first person to really love me, i think. he was the wrong person, yes, and i´m glad we´re not even friends, but he taught me an awful lot. thanks, mitch. i know i never told you, but i want you to know. i´m putting it out there to the universe, and maybe you´ll be able to hear me.
wow did we ever client on each other, though. woah.

hello again

i think i realized that when i hang out with reed i feel like shit, because he holds me at arms length. i think that sucks. i think i am not going to hang out with him for a while. and i am going to be totally ok with that- i am going to put good, loving effort into some other folks for a little while. yeh. i have lots of other deep and meaningful relationships, and i can wait for reed to come back with some vulnerability. i hope he's not mad that i slammed the car door... i always get scared that someones mad. fuckit.
i like l. she's rad. i'm super into hanging out with her.

jeez

i am perhaps simply not used to being rejected. sigh. it does kinda blow. but then there are folks who want to hang out with/date me, that i am currently rejecting. is it all some fucked up painful circle where we just kick each other in the face? what the fuck.
hmmph.

i really

don't know. it seems like life is this funny little journey, and sometimes things are hard- super fucking crazy- or else it feels that way, so what are you supposed to do? constantly feel horrible? or just decide that things aren't all that bad?
y'know, it seems like maybe things feel bad even when they're good. in my life right now things are generally going well, lots of recognition for my hard work at school, i have a steady income, i have a great home, i enjoy my work, but for some reason it feels like i should be looking hard for love, like i need to be in love. i think that i have been in love regularly over the last five or so years. before mitch i was always in a multitude of relationships. after high school, i never really needed to be in a relationship, have a boyfriend, etc, partly perhaps because drugs did the deed enough for me.
Regardless, this seems to be a pattern i need to break. i have lots of great friends that i love, and that love me. i don't need to be in a primary relationship. it is nice to have friends whom i fuck- i like being able to have sex occasionally- although perhaps that is something else i should give up. you'd think it was fucking lent or something, with all this giving up...

oh god

this is why i hate smoking weed. i remember all the things about myself that i hate- and then i sit there in creative quandry, wanting to do something pretty and instead just sitting there.

am i looking for something too profound in life? or is my life profound in ways that i can't see? i want to feel challenged and fulfilled, am i simply not challenging nor fulfilling myself? once upon a time in my life i had occasional bouts of severe-ness, periods of time where everything felt so ridiculously too much that i would freak out. they happened very infrequently. now, they seem to be happening weekly.

what the fuck am i supposed to be doing here? i am not making connections with people lately, and it feels like maybe i don't need to be, i have too much else to do- WHICH IS WHY I WANT TO QUIT IT ALL. fuck it. am i living my life? what the hell is living? is it partying and dancing and freaking out, all things that i don't know how to do without alcohol? is it camping and hiking and meditating? is it sewing and talking to folks? is it writing bad blog entries? who the fuck sees this shit anyway?

i don't know what the hell i want. am i some fucking poser who pretends all the fucking time? it feels like i'm pretending all the time. i wonder if other ppl feel like their life is a fucking play, mine is.

it seems like

i wrote some other entries that are no longer here. i dunno.

why are people so damn squirrely? why, when you make yourself available to people, do they seem to sometimes shrink from it like you're offering something terrible?

i have to tell you a secret. i am so afraid that this past weekend in nc was some sort of giant booty call, and that once he got what he needed from me (sex) then it was over or something. oh god, it feels terrible. i keep telling myself that he loves me, he is one of my oldest friends, that of course he cares, but i keep remembering how awkward i felt around his friends, that i could never be as there as they were, that somehow he had much better connections with these men, i couldn't keep up with them, all my fears were realized- i walked into a den of men, another oak street, another trap, where i wasn't good enough to make eye contact with or funny enough to entertain folks or interesting/intelligent enough to make engaging conversation. jeezus am i scared that he has seen that part of me i thought that i had extinguished, that part of me that i thought i had proved didn't exist, some deep inadequate aspect lacking in humanity. i can't imagine my life without him, but what am i supposed to do if we don't have any connection other than a sexual one? what if all of it is gone? am i supposed to just keep going on- and let myself be reduced to this thing? is this all some horrible distress? am i just feeling all that shit that went down with us as kids? no responses to my call/text messages, etc. what the hell am i? i kinda want to just die. i want to run away. i want anything but this rejection, anyone else could reject the hell out of me, anyone but him. i know that's not true, but i have this deep tie to him that i love, and i remember that look on his face as i walked toward the airport doors and it was almost like "you're gonna get on that plane, right?" a skeptical look. god, i wonder how much i'm reading into this.

i don't know if i can do this r thing. it is so fucking hard. it is ripping my heart out. i am an empty fucking chest, open ribs, bleeding all over the ground. i can't get all "sure, we could fall in love again" and then deal with him running fast and hard away from me. it will fucking kill me. i love him too much. i'm gonna hide in my room, forever.

am i condemned to run in circles with these people forever?

the sinking feeling

i miss j. i wonder if i miss j, or if i miss what i wanted to have with j. damn. i was so in the middle of getting ready to be his girlfriend, like, for real. i had just decided to commit to him- and thought we had a mutual agreement to commit, and what the fuck, three days later he runs away. i was wrong; men don’t do the freak out after three weeks, they do it any damn time the commitment fear hits them hard. and you become the bad guy. or girl. or whatever. god, then he starts dating someone right away, it was like he needed to be with someone immediately, and it wasn’t me that he wanted to be with, what the fuck with all of the “i wanna be with you” and commitment-speak in the beginning, what the fuck with all of the super-wanting-to-hang-out crap, like all the time, jeez. i feel kinda used and abused. but then i remember his long frame stalking down the hallway toward me, his herringbone jacket perfect on his frame, his hair framing his face, and i miss the crap out of him.

i wonder if he was trying to hump the bartender at his fave bar the whole time, if he was like waiting for her to dump her boyfriend, or was just maintaining his little romance for when the commitment fear hit him and he could jump to the next new love. it's easier to be in new love than maintain a relationship. and possibly less scary. i understand that. i even feel that.

i wonder if he misses me at all. it sucks to sit and perhaps be the only one missing the relationship, but you know what, fuck it all. i don’t know what to say. i don’t know why he ran away, why he decided to judge me, i remember the look in his eye and the tone in his voice- who are you?- and i didn’t know what to say. i was wearing sweatpants, is that it? i looked tired and scared, was that it? i am SOO tired of wondering whether or not i was woman enough for men, that’s what i love about reed, that its not about me being grrly or femme or whatever but that i am sexy no matter what my gender presentation is, and with david too, i know that when i am strong and careful and even when i look like a big old dyke then i am still a woman, deserving love and care from men. i am bisexual. i am a butchy femme queer, and i want to love men and women, and i don’t want to have to be the typical female role for you to love me. And, I want to be dominated in bed sometimes. This does not contradict my butchy femme presentation. yeh, motherfuckers. what.

oh yeah- this is good-

that man i talked about below- the blind date man, the one who talked too much? the sweet one i met again at j's bday. he and my friend l went on a date, an un-drunk date, and he talked nonstop for almost 5 hours. heheh. that's kinda funny. i guess i won't be dating him at all.

talking about dating, i am feeling *so* unattracted to sex w/men right now. i don't want to even go there. there are two that i am sleeping with, three, kind of, but i can't help but think that really, what i want right now, is a woman. a girlfriend, a fun one.

i am getting a little bit

nervous. about going. especially after finding that my ticket was not reserved for the days that i had reported to n- i am particularly embarrassed. and soon i will be in an environment that might be a little rough for me to take sans crutch, aka, alcohol or something similar. i want to stick to this decision. i have decided, already, to do it. enough bitching and moaning about being afraid of it.

oh fuck, who am i? i am not the person i was six months ago, two years ago, five years ago. i am different, overwhelmingly so. hmmph. perhaps i'm overreacting. i tend to do that when i smoke.

did i tell you that i was/am a drug addict? Recovering, of course, after a long bout with methamphetamine. I wasn't the sort of dope addict you normally run across, not until the end, i had a boyfriend who had no idea for over 6 months. he went back to the east coast never knowing. i was good, thin, but not too thin, i ate food all the time, had *great* grades in high school, later maintained a *great* job, had lovers and lots of fun. but i was high the whole time. and now i'm *attempting* some sort of period of time away from alcohol. i have become someone very different, i have my eye on something, my future, i guess. i want something for myself, something rich and diverse and challenging.