sigh.

i've really fucked this one up. i'm feeling so frikin shitty about my stupidass behavior that i kinda wanna just stay in my room forever. obviously, the situation would not be helped by my self hate, however, and I have to work to make this better- in whatever way she wants me to. i am feeling: ultra embarrassed, overwhelmed, guilty, and more than anything I am feeling shocked at myself and disappointed in how I lost control of that damaging thing that's had me in its clutches before--- the drink. so here i go, launching on another period of sobriety and self-reflection, hoping to regain my hold on myself. i guess i'm always gonna struggle with this.

i'm so lucky to have friends that are willing to call me out and require my accountability; and I have faith in my community to always kick me back into line. I promise, however, that they won't always have to. i promise. i'm so sorry. not that it helps any.

you know what sucks even more? i hate the feeling that r might have always been right about me, and everytime i do something stupid like this that old feeling comes back and I hear his remonstrations regarding my behaviors. i want those messages out of my head- i really don't think they help me any.