feeling broken

man, rejection is blowing my mind. i'm done capsizing, i'm freezing in the arctic waters. i woke up this morning at six, proceeded to lay awake forever, thinking about how i am not wanted by this man. for some reason that means something. with m, it made sense- i was astonishingly stuck in my stuff when we were making out. with r, we grew apart. this, i do not even know how it came about. it is very hard to not think that it happened because there is something wrong with me, that i am deficient in some way. its hard to remember right now that i didn't really want to be with him, either.

i am supposed to be studying.

my life is going really well, i have amazing opportunities streching ahead of me and man do i bust my ass for school and work, for writing and teaching, i am admired and respected, i have a fantastic community that is filled with people who love the crap outta me, and this man has such the ability to break my heart. that was a theme this morning, as i lay in my bed unhappily awake: my heart is broken and it doesn't seem like i can fix it very quickly. i think its mostly broken due to rejection, though; j wasn't very emotionally available.

really, the sex wasn't very good either. the last time we really went at it the only way he could maintain his erection was by continually choking me as he fucked me missionary style. i don't mind the choking, really at all, i am a more than willing sub, but if that's the only way you can stay hard.... that's kinda scary. fetish is ok, but damned if we had ever talked about that.

it seems as though i am trying to convince myself of something, huh? perhaps i just need to remember. I don't want my life to be about drinking and smoking and escaping and all that, and j did a lot of that. god. am i a catty bitch.

i hate valentines day. reed comes home from nicaragua that day. fuck all this shit. i am feeling, for the first time in a long time, completely turned off to dating. especially men. joel, like reed, left me in the dark with some empty version of himself, pretending like everything was ok. i am motherfucking tired of it. at least m was honest with me... i can't hate him for that. in fact, thanks, m. you're rad.