this month has been suprisingly beautiful... hard, and beautiful.
so many things have happened. I had a crush, pursued it, started dating him, was very doubtful about the situation, was skittish, he seemed like he really wanted to "be with me," i decided to go for it, after a couple months we decided to "be together," and a week later he decides that he doesn't want to do it.
hmm.
needless to say, i'm reeling. like a capsizing boat. i commit, he runs away- my fears playing out perfectly. I hate it when that happens. Really hate it.
i made a mistake, though, i think... i told him that i didn't think i fell in love with him, and now that seems laughable. how could i have said that? i must have such a tenuous relationship with love, to need it to fit into a certain sort of box. i'm sorry for it now.
ectomorphing endomorphs burn paper for warmth in asylum beds while wondering where their mothers are no one to help you now the white walls scream not like there ever was
2.05.2005
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riding home tonite i wondered where all of my neediness has gotten me, where i have ended up, what deep and fucked up hole patriarchy has du...
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so thanks, i suppose. um. i am learning a lesson here-- what have I done to other people? i wonder.
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man, rejection is blowing my mind. i'm done capsizing, i'm freezing in the arctic waters. i woke up this morning at six, proceeded t...
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