its february

this month has been suprisingly beautiful... hard, and beautiful.
so many things have happened. I had a crush, pursued it, started dating him, was very doubtful about the situation, was skittish, he seemed like he really wanted to "be with me," i decided to go for it, after a couple months we decided to "be together," and a week later he decides that he doesn't want to do it.
hmm.
needless to say, i'm reeling. like a capsizing boat. i commit, he runs away- my fears playing out perfectly. I hate it when that happens. Really hate it.
i made a mistake, though, i think... i told him that i didn't think i fell in love with him, and now that seems laughable. how could i have said that? i must have such a tenuous relationship with love, to need it to fit into a certain sort of box. i'm sorry for it now.