i'm realizing

that somehow along the way here, perhaps after two pregnancies, and in the midst of raising these beautiful youngsters, my children and my business, i lost my drive. i got sunk. i got in deep to my suffering, and i've been living there for a long, long time.

and now that I can see it, i'm done.

and i'm mainlining what i need. i wish i could believe that old mechanisms could help me re-order this disorder of my life; i wish i could take that time. but i have to decide that NOW, this moment, i am done. I will notice my favorite way to suffer and i will allow it to pass me by.

I am dedicated to living in a beautiful state.

i'm working on

seeing the positive in all situations. i've been stuck in a negative rut for.... years? maybe? and it has really sucked.

when i die, i don't want my thoughts to be: why didn't I allow myself to be happy?

why did I drag myself through the mud every single day?

why couldn't I enjoy putting my children to sleep, one on each arm, singing songs to soothe them?

I want to believe that I put the best spin on life, regardless of how much money was in the bank. regardless of other people's feelings-- about money or otherwise.