things don't

really get easier, sometimes. sometimes they get much more difficult. sometimes they stay difficult.

i hate to say it, but i'm awfully bored. i don't want to go out to the same places i've been, i don't want to dance to the same music drinking the same drinks. i don't want to constantly read and write anymore. i don't want to get in bed at 9 because i have to wake up early, or worry about what to wear or take the same damn bus every fucking day, it feels sometimes like i've died already and here i am in hell, where everything is so fucking repetitive that it is driving me absolutely insane. It feels like i've done everything. i don't want to drink because its so fucking boring. smoking is boring. eating is boring. i'm goddamn bored.

or maybe i'm just numb. if you're open to it, isn't everything supposed to be illuminating? i must remember, boredom is a fucking coping mechanism, and if i really decided to be present every moment would be comepletely unique and amazing.

hm. right. i forget. processprocessprocess

i am still waking up at 4:30 am, every morning... ok, i actually slept through the night on saturday nite, i think because d was here, and i trust him pretty completely. last nite i was with r, and i woke up in the dark, smelling a familiar smell, laying in a familiar bed, but i didn't know where i was- it took me what seemed like a very long time to figure it out. for a little while i thought i was at j's. hmm. getting around, aren't i? nonetheless, i woke up to him later, as our alarm clocks sounded successively. he is really a pretty boy. i've missed him.