i'm constantly

wanting something that i don't have. when i'm in a relationship, i want to be free of it. when i'm not in a relationship, i want a long term lover. what is up? i don't want anything and I want everything. i love my life, i love my work, and i want someone to be happily and healthily here with me during it all. i want a drama free and consistent relationship.
regardless, i can't look for that right now. i can meet folks, hang out, etc, but it is completely pointless to start anything. i want to just enjoy my friends and my home before it is time for me to leave them. i really want, and am ready, to leave. i feel almost exhausted at times with Portland. Shan, Nic & I have lots of fun, sure- but i feel as though i am not connecting well with a whole contingent of ppl i connected well with before. it's almost like i don't care any more about the same things, subjects are repetitive- how many times am i gonna talk about gentrification? about patronizing appropriate businesses? about a/r stuff in general? s made a good observation last night, and one that i agree with. as hard as it may have been to hear it was also relieving: when is everyone gonna stop talking about it and do it?
deep sigh. good question, and i ask myself the same thing. i do my best to walk my talk, and go out of my way to have close relationships with ppl of color. That is the step that helps to change a lot of the other dynamics white antiracists talk about. i think, unfortunately, that many of my friends are not it that place in their lives right now- and many times talk replaces action. to quote thavius beck
thought determines what you want
action determines what you get
s was not very happy about the conversation she heard. and some stupid things were said, i think; stupid things were likely said by me. it is true, however, that white ppl have to talk about stupid things in order to get their heads on correct. ppl of color just shouldn't have to listen to it.


A completely different subject: Why do i care about my research?