hmm

riding home tonite i wondered where all of my neediness has gotten me, where i have ended up, what deep and fucked up hole patriarchy has dug me that i throw dirt down on myself over and over again. sexism has made it so that i effectively destroy my relationships with men in all sorts of insidious ways.

I have a terrible confession that makes me sick to my stomach, it turns me over in my bed late at night when i should be sleeping soundly. I turn everything into sex. I do it so that I can get what i want and need. If i turn it into sex, then men give me attention and resources. in fact, this little mechanism of mine has been very helpful in many different ways, in fact it has gotten me some basic resources over and over and over... like food, money, housing. I have been forced to use parts of my body as lures to men with resources I need, here's some titties, can i have dinner? heres some ass, can i have that apartment? great. thanks.

i feel out of control and overwhelmed and damned if i'm gonna let this happen to me again. i refuse to lock myself in the boxes society loves to put me in, i have been imprisoning myself, making masters out of men. no more. i wonder what i'll lose in the process, but it can't be worse than the humanity i've lost in the making of me as piece of love for men's needs.

i think im beautiful but can't believe it unless men think it too. i want to reach out and love people based on our shared humanity, not because i want them to help me feel better or more or less sad or more happy or less lonely or anything else. it never works.

to some very specific men out there: i'm sorry that i needed you to be everything that my dad couldnt. i'm sorry that i blamed you for my unhappiness. ok, so sometimes you could be overtly sexist assholes, but damned if i'm gonna blame you for my unhappiness anymore.

only i can be responsible for my happiness.

i'm giving you the finger...