a letter to a friend

It really is nice to hear from you- it pulls on my heartstrings, definitely- i miss you. It seems like you're having a good life, which is great to see.

Yeah, I guess I owe you an explanation. It was so hard for me when i found out that you married the man who is now your husband. For one thing, his use of derogatory terms when it comes to people of color and lgbtq folks really scared the living daylights out of me. Part of the reason- i was closeted. i'm a big queer. sure, i still love men, and i sleep with them occasionally- and i love women. and everyone in between. so when your husband (then boyfriend) said things like "faggot" all the time it scared me shitless. Beside the fact that i'm queer, i am now and always have been against the use of that language and the oppression of lgbtq folks in general. Also, you must remember that I come from a multicultural family- and at the time, your boyfriend was using language like "n***er" and "sp*c" all the time- which I am downright not ok with. at all. ever. As I got older I got even less ok with it- it has become more and more apparent to me that the link between oppressive language and physical&social violence against people of color are closely linked. Where is the line drawn? When does the namecalling of faggot or ni**er turn into an asskicking for the gay and the black person? The line is very thin indeed- and there are daily examples of its transgression, sometimes fatal examples.
I fear your husband for these reasons. He may have changed over the last 5+ years, I absolutely admit that. I have been overlooking his ability to change, and i need to get more in touch with my compassion around this issue. What hurt me more, i think, was what looked like your complicity with his oppressive language and behaviors. Your marriage to him looked like the ultimate endorsement.
Perhaps you have done something that I never could- take on a big white man and invest in his long term change and transformation around tolerance and liberation. I never gave you the chance to tell me about it- i just ran away. Which is my error, i will admit.

In the end, it doesn't matter what I think about your life, husband and marriage. What matters is that you're happy- i will always be happy if you're happy. I miss you alot, girl; sitting in the backyard drinking a beer with you sounds like the best afternoon ever.