ok, i get it.

i think that i'm being blown off by a guy i've been crushing on, a lovely boy i brought home friday night. i'm not sure this has really ever happened before.

great feeling, this. mmm. stupid to do potentially hurtful things 2 weeks before a big standardized test, during the grad application process.

well, i guess i can have a good memory, right?

in better news, thanner will be in town on thursday. (sigh of relief.) even with all the shit i have to do, it will be so pleasant to see him. it's always comforting to be around the people who love you unconditionally. on a similar note, david called me from ecuador! man, do i miss the crap outta him. and, brian wrote me today. i love my boys.

my meeting with my mentor today was soothing as well. i didn't want to leave his office, it felt so good to talk and argue with him- he's so, funny, he's a strange man in some ways, and he gets overwhelmed by me, i think. while i was being all big and excited about the awards ceremony he motioned at me to calm down. It was really, very funny, seeing him getting flustered. i totally love him, partly because it seems like he respects me and thinks my research is worthwhile. The other part is wrapped up in my fascination with him- his attitudes, his academic p.o.v., his flustered demeanor, his disheveled professsor look. it's true, i kinda have a crush on him, but it's a harmless little thing. One of my friends has had a few close calls with a professor recently, and i must admit i totally envy her. how sexy is that, an illicit tryst with a man who is your superior and so strictly off limits? Brains are an amazing turn-on for dorks like my friend and I. (she thinks my mentor is hot too, btw. sigh. stupid endless and fruitless fantasies.) I told him that i was strictly gay, i didn't want him to be nervous around me- he is, of course, of much more use to me as an academic mentor than anything else.

If you read books and can talk theory, any gender, you're on. Let's have a martini. If you were raised male or identify as male, please have a great anti-sexist analysis. it really is very hot.