how perspectives can shift based simply on personal change. I decided to believe that everything is ok- and goddamn if it isn't ok. I hope I always cultivate the tools i've learned over the last four years- my brother was right. you do get better at life. at least i've gotten better.
part of it is a real decision to rise above the suffering that i inflict on myself so regularly. not necessarily above it, i suppose; more like differentiated from it. non-integrated.
How have i decided to live my life? As a conduit for the love and energy that surrounds me. Frustration, fear, anger, hurt- these things have informed my life, and they are not separate from me, necessarily. I don't want to live my life based on what such things dictate.
my students this year are such fantastic people. My last mentor session of the day- my 12:00- is primarily male, and it is fascinating to notice the ways in which they are so used to interacting with each other. Ridicule, particularly of each other's weak or possibly- simply possibly, not necessarily- embarrassing aspects is a normal and accepted way of functioning with each other. Today, for the first time, I told them to stop laughing. Ooh, did they shut up quicklike!
ectomorphing endomorphs burn paper for warmth in asylum beds while wondering where their mothers are no one to help you now the white walls scream not like there ever was
10.19.2005
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