how perspectives can shift based simply on personal change. I decided to believe that everything is ok- and goddamn if it isn't ok. I hope I always cultivate the tools i've learned over the last four years- my brother was right. you do get better at life. at least i've gotten better.
part of it is a real decision to rise above the suffering that i inflict on myself so regularly. not necessarily above it, i suppose; more like differentiated from it. non-integrated.
How have i decided to live my life? As a conduit for the love and energy that surrounds me. Frustration, fear, anger, hurt- these things have informed my life, and they are not separate from me, necessarily. I don't want to live my life based on what such things dictate.
my students this year are such fantastic people. My last mentor session of the day- my 12:00- is primarily male, and it is fascinating to notice the ways in which they are so used to interacting with each other. Ridicule, particularly of each other's weak or possibly- simply possibly, not necessarily- embarrassing aspects is a normal and accepted way of functioning with each other. Today, for the first time, I told them to stop laughing. Ooh, did they shut up quicklike!
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he said, "can i be completely honest?" my stomach jumped, preparing. "yeah." i responded. "of course." "i...
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i don't want to love him anymore. fuck. i want to be done. i want to be free of this. i don't want to care that he's with someon...
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of talking to people about my struggles. i just want to make decisions and figure shit out. i don't want to talk about drama anymore. at...
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