oh god

this is why i hate smoking weed. i remember all the things about myself that i hate- and then i sit there in creative quandry, wanting to do something pretty and instead just sitting there.

am i looking for something too profound in life? or is my life profound in ways that i can't see? i want to feel challenged and fulfilled, am i simply not challenging nor fulfilling myself? once upon a time in my life i had occasional bouts of severe-ness, periods of time where everything felt so ridiculously too much that i would freak out. they happened very infrequently. now, they seem to be happening weekly.

what the fuck am i supposed to be doing here? i am not making connections with people lately, and it feels like maybe i don't need to be, i have too much else to do- WHICH IS WHY I WANT TO QUIT IT ALL. fuck it. am i living my life? what the hell is living? is it partying and dancing and freaking out, all things that i don't know how to do without alcohol? is it camping and hiking and meditating? is it sewing and talking to folks? is it writing bad blog entries? who the fuck sees this shit anyway?

i don't know what the hell i want. am i some fucking poser who pretends all the fucking time? it feels like i'm pretending all the time. i wonder if other ppl feel like their life is a fucking play, mine is.