i am getting a little bit

nervous. about going. especially after finding that my ticket was not reserved for the days that i had reported to n- i am particularly embarrassed. and soon i will be in an environment that might be a little rough for me to take sans crutch, aka, alcohol or something similar. i want to stick to this decision. i have decided, already, to do it. enough bitching and moaning about being afraid of it.

oh fuck, who am i? i am not the person i was six months ago, two years ago, five years ago. i am different, overwhelmingly so. hmmph. perhaps i'm overreacting. i tend to do that when i smoke.

did i tell you that i was/am a drug addict? Recovering, of course, after a long bout with methamphetamine. I wasn't the sort of dope addict you normally run across, not until the end, i had a boyfriend who had no idea for over 6 months. he went back to the east coast never knowing. i was good, thin, but not too thin, i ate food all the time, had *great* grades in high school, later maintained a *great* job, had lovers and lots of fun. but i was high the whole time. and now i'm *attempting* some sort of period of time away from alcohol. i have become someone very different, i have my eye on something, my future, i guess. i want something for myself, something rich and diverse and challenging.