it has been a while

and so much has been happening, it is almost driving me crazy... but of course it is a deep feeling of fear that has brought me back to my oh so lovely blog. I always write when i'm feeling afraid or overwhelmed, it seems.

And it is my internalized sexism/patriarchy again that has me reeling. I am dating a wonderful woman who I am totally into, and I went on a date with a friend of mine (a dude.) It was fine, but it doesn't seem like he wants to hang out like that again- and for some reason, I have that deep feeling of fear. That rejection feeling.

This time, however, I would like to savor it instead of hating it. I want to really notice it and give it some time instead of worry about it and feel like shit. Rejection is not such a big deal, at all; it seems to happen almost everyday in many of our lives. Sometimes people just have to say no, based on their own needs and trajectories.

It feels particularly awful, however, to be rejected by a man; something about my survival stuff comes in strong. Really, I have no need to be wanted by S. I don't really have a lot of time to give him. My time is taken up a lot with mer and my friends/family and school... so I should have backed off anyway.

See? Chastizing myself without any reason. Sigh. Time to end the cycle of bullshit, eh? I am completely powerful AND hot no matter what.

yeah.