i absolutely

tried to write the other day and my post was somehow lost in the ether of the internet

i am feeling lost as well, so perhaps it is appropriate that my forlorn prose lose its footing. regardless. my life is not so bad. i have a home, some money, people around me who seem to value aspects of me. yet i feel unrooted, my stays have come loose, i think of my previous home and simple things like lighting and snow and loud housemates downstairs and meditating and loving and feeling safe and cared for and never alone, and if alone marginally temporarily so

and now i seem to be both seeking it and running from it. here i am. people come towards me, want things from me again, yet it is not close and fulfilling, it is empty and false as i am less clear

i feel humiliated, scared, tokenised, fetishized, animated smiling accomodating flesh to stay another person's fear fill needs left unmet through no concious fault of their own

i want t, l, r, s, n, even k, d.m., my mom. i want my community. i want cherry. i want safety, sobriety, i want my jonny, i miss his hands and face and our fights and making up and loving each other and dreaming of family and the islands and our little girls

something seems to have wilted inside a bit