i am freaking out

i think i did the right thing.
when does one know?

the missing has started already
i somehow can't imagine my life without you
when before i thought maybe it would be
better that way
for both of us

two people:
loving each other
on different paths
or not so different after all
we're all human, right? struggling together to more deeply understand ourselves and our places. she asked me tonite: where did i go? all the things i have told her i'm running away from. toward something, some ultimate freedom i am so afraid of losing

i can't stop thinking about movies with you, about driving in the car with you, moments shared eyes locked one place where we both can live for right now, that pretty and comfortable and pleasing place, where vulnerability and self are revealed majestically

i told her to not care about the future. but now all of the sudden i care so much about the turnout. i celebrate and look forward to my solitary adventure in a year, and i don't want to compromise that vision- i don't want that vision to change. and she wants something i don't want. i want something she doesn't want. will it come up again, and again and again, over and over and bitterness and resentment building, a year in the making...

i told laura today that i want to be single. really, i just don't want to have to process the possibility of breaking up all the time.