is not a day wherein i should be interacting with human beings. irritation is riding high. stress, stress, stress- impacting me right now. on top of that, i am feeling ultra triggered by my male housemate. i can't tolerate anything that even looks like home neglect from him right now- all of my frustration with s & n's inactivity around the house is combining with my general frustration with his non-involvement to create a giant, ulcerous pimple of frustration. I just want to stay in my room, the one place that I can control right now, the one place where I am the only one to fuck it up and when i clean it it stays clean.
I want some understanding around the fact i'm in finals. last night i felt like i could tolerate anything and everything-- but today i am feeling overwhelmed. sigh. i still work, i still go to school, i'm still doing everything. whatever. whatever. whatever.
this is the life i chose, the place i choose, and the people i choose. that is the ultimate truth, whether or not jon decides to put away his goddamned dinner stuff or not. goddamn. goddamn. goddamn. goddamn.
12.06.2005
12.04.2005
no really
i hate the television. and i hate what our society does to people. i hate what the television does to me. we have EVERY CHANNEL you can think of! and it is fucking insane. i really want to get it out of my life. ack ack ack
i think watching television makes me think i'm fat
and i think constantly about how i need to lose weight/get a flat belly/etc.
shit. again: i want to be healthy for me. not for anyone else. i ride my bike, i work on my body, i eat healthy food and my body is an amazing tool for the full living of this life. yeh. fuck a whole lotta sitting around watching some shitty teevee.
in other news. finals week. i'm reading a lot, which is great for me. j just got back from breitenbush; his energy reminds me of how I want to live- always in awe, always open, always loving. i'm going to the woods this coming weekend, and i'm super excited for it. i miss nature. i will miss her a lot more when i move, so i want to get as much of it as i possibly can.
i have to stop helping s with her diet stuff- i want her to be healthy too much. she's drinking a soda and its super not good for her belly, and i don't want to be so disappointed. too much investment. and i think it pisses n off, to have me involved like this.
ALSO--- news flash!!! I think i'm doing really frickin well with the "no relationship" thing. I don't even want to go near it. i do have a crush, I may ask her out. i hope she saw my friendster photo and caption- "i won't be your girlfriend." because i simply will.not.be.anyones.girlfriend.rite.now.
i think watching television makes me think i'm fat
and i think constantly about how i need to lose weight/get a flat belly/etc.
shit. again: i want to be healthy for me. not for anyone else. i ride my bike, i work on my body, i eat healthy food and my body is an amazing tool for the full living of this life. yeh. fuck a whole lotta sitting around watching some shitty teevee.
in other news. finals week. i'm reading a lot, which is great for me. j just got back from breitenbush; his energy reminds me of how I want to live- always in awe, always open, always loving. i'm going to the woods this coming weekend, and i'm super excited for it. i miss nature. i will miss her a lot more when i move, so i want to get as much of it as i possibly can.
i have to stop helping s with her diet stuff- i want her to be healthy too much. she's drinking a soda and its super not good for her belly, and i don't want to be so disappointed. too much investment. and i think it pisses n off, to have me involved like this.
ALSO--- news flash!!! I think i'm doing really frickin well with the "no relationship" thing. I don't even want to go near it. i do have a crush, I may ask her out. i hope she saw my friendster photo and caption- "i won't be your girlfriend." because i simply will.not.be.anyones.girlfriend.rite.now.
12.01.2005
i revise my
"want" list. Yesterday I heard the most depressing comment from the lips of a woman that I thought understood. Fact: I've been poly for a long time, both during and outside of long term relationships. Fact: just recently I've decided to not be in a relationship. Fact: I wanted to be in a relationship with you that would have lasted over a year, before I left for grad school. Being poly had nothing to do with protecting myself from a longer relationship. That comment was similar an exchange like this:
Man: Good thing you're gay; it protects you from having to be in a _REAL_ relationship.
Woman: Um.
Oh well. This is why i'm not trying to do anything with anyone. I'm tired of this shit.
Back to paper-writing.
Man: Good thing you're gay; it protects you from having to be in a _REAL_ relationship.
Woman: Um.
Oh well. This is why i'm not trying to do anything with anyone. I'm tired of this shit.
Back to paper-writing.
11.30.2005
what the fuch
am i doing? it feels like I don't know anymore. Here I sit, wasting my time and life----- doing what? Today I watched tv for 3 hours. I have finals next week, a paper due tomorrow, and I don't know why the fuck I'm not working on this shit.
so i go upstairs after a shower, and start fucking around online. the poly listserv is fucked, its supposed to snow tomorrow, and no new emails from d or b. hence, i look at this page. check it out if you want. www.writeaprisoner.com
"I've been buried beneath this cold concrete and iron steel since 1991 and over the years I've been pretty much forgotten about by both family and friends. I have however managed to maintain a positive attitude, sense of humor, and a strong spirit through it all. Sitting in this desolate cage day after day, I do realize that I've made some mistakes and bad choices along the way that put me here today. But this is life and we all make mistakes because we're only human. What's important is that we don't pass judgment on the next person, but treat each other as you wish to be treated. I feel that even though four walls imprison my body, I still have a lot to offer mentally and emotionally. I'm a very down to earth person; understanding, open mined and a great sense of humor."
spending the rest of his life in prison. california, three strikes. so many of these men are spending the rest of their lives in prison, and many more than that are serving such extraordinarily long sentences that it shocks the crap outta me. Ten years for possession, fraud. Monstrous sentences. Life-ending sentences. People wonder why recidivism is such a problem.
i'm gonna go write a paper. i'm going to remember how glad i am that the cops never caught me. i'm gonna keep these people who have been "forgotten by both friends and family" in my thoughts, even though I don't know exactly what to do about it.
so i go upstairs after a shower, and start fucking around online. the poly listserv is fucked, its supposed to snow tomorrow, and no new emails from d or b. hence, i look at this page. check it out if you want. www.writeaprisoner.com
"I've been buried beneath this cold concrete and iron steel since 1991 and over the years I've been pretty much forgotten about by both family and friends. I have however managed to maintain a positive attitude, sense of humor, and a strong spirit through it all. Sitting in this desolate cage day after day, I do realize that I've made some mistakes and bad choices along the way that put me here today. But this is life and we all make mistakes because we're only human. What's important is that we don't pass judgment on the next person, but treat each other as you wish to be treated. I feel that even though four walls imprison my body, I still have a lot to offer mentally and emotionally. I'm a very down to earth person; understanding, open mined and a great sense of humor."
spending the rest of his life in prison. california, three strikes. so many of these men are spending the rest of their lives in prison, and many more than that are serving such extraordinarily long sentences that it shocks the crap outta me. Ten years for possession, fraud. Monstrous sentences. Life-ending sentences. People wonder why recidivism is such a problem.
i'm gonna go write a paper. i'm going to remember how glad i am that the cops never caught me. i'm gonna keep these people who have been "forgotten by both friends and family" in my thoughts, even though I don't know exactly what to do about it.
11.26.2005
i don't want
a new gf. i want the old one back. that would be much easier and more fun that dealing with a whole new deal. today i almost accidentally came out to my family. "my ex's kid..." caught myself in time. i'm not ready, particularly with the stress cases that make up my familial circle.
11.17.2005
something
that annoys the crap out of me: folks who have a hard time taking responsibility for their indiscretions. No big deal, most of the time; however, when it is a w.m. grabbing the reigns of his entitlement and riding off into the sunset it makes me want to puke. Oh, so you think you have the right to leave me hanging at work like this? And when I mention it you're gonna act like i'm being crazy? I WILL KILL YOU. Don't underestimate my craziness, you motherfucker. I won't report you to our boss but I will _NOT_ allow you to act like that. Think again.
11.14.2005
i want
to turn this thing off, really. turn the whole relationship thing off. i just wanna live my life. i hate seeing attractive people and thinking about the possibility of some sordid tryst or whatever. I don't want to be sex neg, obviously, i just want my brain to stop tormenting me.
y'know
i don't want to love him anymore. fuck. i want to be done. i want to be free of this. i don't want to care that he's with someone else. if he wasn't with anyone, i probably wouldnt have these shitty feelings. living with her. in our house. shit.
i think thats not the whole of it, though... i am making a decision to not be with anyone right now, to be happy by myself, to work on myself physically/emotionally/artistically- to develop the entire me, the wholistic person. seeing him with her makes me feel utterly alone- like somehow i've failed, he found someone when i couldn't. he is happy and partnered while i am not.
To be completely clear, however, i do not want to be partnered, with anyone. I am specifically steering clear of those entanglements, as much as I feel pulled toward them- I haven't techically been single for more than a couple months since I was.... 19? I think I was nineteen. I am twenty-five now, and unwilling to brave whatever heartbreak or drama or bullshit that might accompany any sort of sexual/romantic engagement. There are too many other things I want to do with my time.
i want everyone to leave me alone. i want this specter of r & my relationship to leave me alone. i can make those decisions... and move on with my life. right?
i'm ready to leave portland, everyone. leave all this shit behind and move on.
i think thats not the whole of it, though... i am making a decision to not be with anyone right now, to be happy by myself, to work on myself physically/emotionally/artistically- to develop the entire me, the wholistic person. seeing him with her makes me feel utterly alone- like somehow i've failed, he found someone when i couldn't. he is happy and partnered while i am not.
To be completely clear, however, i do not want to be partnered, with anyone. I am specifically steering clear of those entanglements, as much as I feel pulled toward them- I haven't techically been single for more than a couple months since I was.... 19? I think I was nineteen. I am twenty-five now, and unwilling to brave whatever heartbreak or drama or bullshit that might accompany any sort of sexual/romantic engagement. There are too many other things I want to do with my time.
i want everyone to leave me alone. i want this specter of r & my relationship to leave me alone. i can make those decisions... and move on with my life. right?
i'm ready to leave portland, everyone. leave all this shit behind and move on.
11.01.2005
why
do i feel like shit? what do i have to be worried about? let's make a list.
- relationship with r & other ppl
- going to grad school
- graduating college
- turning in this grant
- getting good grades this term
- money.
Ok. Good stuff. Ok, so my relationship with r will be what it will be. no more, no less. i have to just be who I am, struggles and all. me, the imperfect package. I'm not applying to grad school this term. SIGH!! SHIT!! SIGH!! I will graduate from college- no matter what- in August. This grant is no biggie. at all. i just have to write a proposal. My grades will most likely be fine, and if I need money I can work more. the end. the end. the end. the end.
- relationship with r & other ppl
- going to grad school
- graduating college
- turning in this grant
- getting good grades this term
- money.
Ok. Good stuff. Ok, so my relationship with r will be what it will be. no more, no less. i have to just be who I am, struggles and all. me, the imperfect package. I'm not applying to grad school this term. SIGH!! SHIT!! SIGH!! I will graduate from college- no matter what- in August. This grant is no biggie. at all. i just have to write a proposal. My grades will most likely be fine, and if I need money I can work more. the end. the end. the end. the end.
i'm tired
of talking to people about my struggles. i just want to make decisions and figure shit out. i don't want to talk about drama anymore. at all. i don't want drama period. just do it, stop talking about it. sigh.
what am i doing? where the fuck am i going? i have not felt this consistently messed up for many years. many years.
i want to get the fuck out of portland. new start. no stigma.
10.28.2005
gre score
1200.
not too good
not horrible.
if i take it again...
i need to review how to calculate a slope.
BOOYAH
not too good
not horrible.
if i take it again...
i need to review how to calculate a slope.
BOOYAH
a letter to a friend
It really is nice to hear from you- it pulls on my heartstrings, definitely- i miss you. It seems like you're having a good life, which is great to see.
Yeah, I guess I owe you an explanation. It was so hard for me when i found out that you married the man who is now your husband. For one thing, his use of derogatory terms when it comes to people of color and lgbtq folks really scared the living daylights out of me. Part of the reason- i was closeted. i'm a big queer. sure, i still love men, and i sleep with them occasionally- and i love women. and everyone in between. so when your husband (then boyfriend) said things like "faggot" all the time it scared me shitless. Beside the fact that i'm queer, i am now and always have been against the use of that language and the oppression of lgbtq folks in general. Also, you must remember that I come from a multicultural family- and at the time, your boyfriend was using language like "n***er" and "sp*c" all the time- which I am downright not ok with. at all. ever. As I got older I got even less ok with it- it has become more and more apparent to me that the link between oppressive language and physical&social violence against people of color are closely linked. Where is the line drawn? When does the namecalling of faggot or ni**er turn into an asskicking for the gay and the black person? The line is very thin indeed- and there are daily examples of its transgression, sometimes fatal examples.
I fear your husband for these reasons. He may have changed over the last 5+ years, I absolutely admit that. I have been overlooking his ability to change, and i need to get more in touch with my compassion around this issue. What hurt me more, i think, was what looked like your complicity with his oppressive language and behaviors. Your marriage to him looked like the ultimate endorsement.
Perhaps you have done something that I never could- take on a big white man and invest in his long term change and transformation around tolerance and liberation. I never gave you the chance to tell me about it- i just ran away. Which is my error, i will admit.
In the end, it doesn't matter what I think about your life, husband and marriage. What matters is that you're happy- i will always be happy if you're happy. I miss you alot, girl; sitting in the backyard drinking a beer with you sounds like the best afternoon ever.
Yeah, I guess I owe you an explanation. It was so hard for me when i found out that you married the man who is now your husband. For one thing, his use of derogatory terms when it comes to people of color and lgbtq folks really scared the living daylights out of me. Part of the reason- i was closeted. i'm a big queer. sure, i still love men, and i sleep with them occasionally- and i love women. and everyone in between. so when your husband (then boyfriend) said things like "faggot" all the time it scared me shitless. Beside the fact that i'm queer, i am now and always have been against the use of that language and the oppression of lgbtq folks in general. Also, you must remember that I come from a multicultural family- and at the time, your boyfriend was using language like "n***er" and "sp*c" all the time- which I am downright not ok with. at all. ever. As I got older I got even less ok with it- it has become more and more apparent to me that the link between oppressive language and physical&social violence against people of color are closely linked. Where is the line drawn? When does the namecalling of faggot or ni**er turn into an asskicking for the gay and the black person? The line is very thin indeed- and there are daily examples of its transgression, sometimes fatal examples.
I fear your husband for these reasons. He may have changed over the last 5+ years, I absolutely admit that. I have been overlooking his ability to change, and i need to get more in touch with my compassion around this issue. What hurt me more, i think, was what looked like your complicity with his oppressive language and behaviors. Your marriage to him looked like the ultimate endorsement.
Perhaps you have done something that I never could- take on a big white man and invest in his long term change and transformation around tolerance and liberation. I never gave you the chance to tell me about it- i just ran away. Which is my error, i will admit.
In the end, it doesn't matter what I think about your life, husband and marriage. What matters is that you're happy- i will always be happy if you're happy. I miss you alot, girl; sitting in the backyard drinking a beer with you sounds like the best afternoon ever.
10.27.2005
sigh
i got letters from two professors today, wondering where i am/when i'm gonna get crackin' at something or another, i thought we were supposed to meet, are you gonna write this grant, and i am thinking to myself
shit
i gotta get it together. i thought i had it together. but i've really been amidst a semi personal crisis of testtaking and futureprobing. i haven't been reading what i want to read (hacking, stocking, davis, horn, terry), I haven't been doing what I love- i called off almost a whole week of teaching! this gre has beat me up. so fuck it. i'm gonna take it and i'm gonna move on with my life. after I clean my room, of course. :)
after the GRE tomorrow (get it out of my face already) and after my relaxing drinking dinner tomorrow nite I am gonna get up on Saturday and write some letters, read some books and move my ass to the academic beat like a methed out raver.
nothing can stress me out
i tell you- nothing
yeh, what.
shit
i gotta get it together. i thought i had it together. but i've really been amidst a semi personal crisis of testtaking and futureprobing. i haven't been reading what i want to read (hacking, stocking, davis, horn, terry), I haven't been doing what I love- i called off almost a whole week of teaching! this gre has beat me up. so fuck it. i'm gonna take it and i'm gonna move on with my life. after I clean my room, of course. :)
after the GRE tomorrow (get it out of my face already) and after my relaxing drinking dinner tomorrow nite I am gonna get up on Saturday and write some letters, read some books and move my ass to the academic beat like a methed out raver.
nothing can stress me out
i tell you- nothing
yeh, what.
10.26.2005
shan says
that my eyes are all cracked out
i know i have hives- on my neck and back
at dinner it hit me- i don't want to do this
live this way right now
friday come sooner please
get this shit over with
i know i have hives- on my neck and back
at dinner it hit me- i don't want to do this
live this way right now
friday come sooner please
get this shit over with
10.22.2005
check it out
i'm so tired of writing all the time i could puke. i'm ready to do something different... i am in a phase where i'm appreciating a lot of street art, and noticing the amazing things folks are trying to say in these so visible proclamations.
like, fuck pills:
the palm trees and seedy california atmposphere of this photograph make me terribly terribly homesick.
like, fuck pills:
the palm trees and seedy california atmposphere of this photograph make me terribly terribly homesick.
i'm constantly
wanting something that i don't have. when i'm in a relationship, i want to be free of it. when i'm not in a relationship, i want a long term lover. what is up? i don't want anything and I want everything. i love my life, i love my work, and i want someone to be happily and healthily here with me during it all. i want a drama free and consistent relationship.
regardless, i can't look for that right now. i can meet folks, hang out, etc, but it is completely pointless to start anything. i want to just enjoy my friends and my home before it is time for me to leave them. i really want, and am ready, to leave. i feel almost exhausted at times with Portland. Shan, Nic & I have lots of fun, sure- but i feel as though i am not connecting well with a whole contingent of ppl i connected well with before. it's almost like i don't care any more about the same things, subjects are repetitive- how many times am i gonna talk about gentrification? about patronizing appropriate businesses? about a/r stuff in general? s made a good observation last night, and one that i agree with. as hard as it may have been to hear it was also relieving: when is everyone gonna stop talking about it and do it?
deep sigh. good question, and i ask myself the same thing. i do my best to walk my talk, and go out of my way to have close relationships with ppl of color. That is the step that helps to change a lot of the other dynamics white antiracists talk about. i think, unfortunately, that many of my friends are not it that place in their lives right now- and many times talk replaces action. to quote thavius beck
thought determines what you want
action determines what you get
s was not very happy about the conversation she heard. and some stupid things were said, i think; stupid things were likely said by me. it is true, however, that white ppl have to talk about stupid things in order to get their heads on correct. ppl of color just shouldn't have to listen to it.
A completely different subject: Why do i care about my research?
regardless, i can't look for that right now. i can meet folks, hang out, etc, but it is completely pointless to start anything. i want to just enjoy my friends and my home before it is time for me to leave them. i really want, and am ready, to leave. i feel almost exhausted at times with Portland. Shan, Nic & I have lots of fun, sure- but i feel as though i am not connecting well with a whole contingent of ppl i connected well with before. it's almost like i don't care any more about the same things, subjects are repetitive- how many times am i gonna talk about gentrification? about patronizing appropriate businesses? about a/r stuff in general? s made a good observation last night, and one that i agree with. as hard as it may have been to hear it was also relieving: when is everyone gonna stop talking about it and do it?
deep sigh. good question, and i ask myself the same thing. i do my best to walk my talk, and go out of my way to have close relationships with ppl of color. That is the step that helps to change a lot of the other dynamics white antiracists talk about. i think, unfortunately, that many of my friends are not it that place in their lives right now- and many times talk replaces action. to quote thavius beck
thought determines what you want
action determines what you get
s was not very happy about the conversation she heard. and some stupid things were said, i think; stupid things were likely said by me. it is true, however, that white ppl have to talk about stupid things in order to get their heads on correct. ppl of color just shouldn't have to listen to it.
A completely different subject: Why do i care about my research?
10.20.2005
...
I was looking at a friend's friendster page, and they're all "so political" and "so politically popular" and like hanging out with white folks and doing anti-racist work and i can't help feeling like, jealous or something, something hurts inside... y'know, i do/don't approve of the work some of these ppl do, and man, do I feel excluded or something- like, "why aren't I a political rockstar like them?" There is one pic of abovementioned friend with a young white man that I've had conflict with in another organization, and it makes me feel wierd----- that these traveling anti-racist types with a whole lotta superiority stuff and (seemingly) fake humility get something i don't. Here i sit, researching something that seems real to me, teaching a class, and I feel all sorts of strange that i'm not more involved in a community organization, that I don't get recognition.
man, fuck recognition. this is not why i do what i do. things that are important to me:
- building anti-racist conciousness with as many people as I can
- engaging in radical and anti-oppressive teaching practices at work
- researching and uncovering systems of inequality in the United States
- maintaining compassion and love for folks of all walks of life- never shutting anyone out of my heart, even for a moment.
I have to remember that I teach anti-oppression every day. Cherry and I facilitate a radical curriculum- we are creating long-term change in our immediate environment by building anti-oppression analysis with young folks. sigh. ok. i feel better.
man, fuck recognition. this is not why i do what i do. things that are important to me:
- building anti-racist conciousness with as many people as I can
- engaging in radical and anti-oppressive teaching practices at work
- researching and uncovering systems of inequality in the United States
- maintaining compassion and love for folks of all walks of life- never shutting anyone out of my heart, even for a moment.
I have to remember that I teach anti-oppression every day. Cherry and I facilitate a radical curriculum- we are creating long-term change in our immediate environment by building anti-oppression analysis with young folks. sigh. ok. i feel better.
10.19.2005
it's amazing
how perspectives can shift based simply on personal change. I decided to believe that everything is ok- and goddamn if it isn't ok. I hope I always cultivate the tools i've learned over the last four years- my brother was right. you do get better at life. at least i've gotten better.
part of it is a real decision to rise above the suffering that i inflict on myself so regularly. not necessarily above it, i suppose; more like differentiated from it. non-integrated.
How have i decided to live my life? As a conduit for the love and energy that surrounds me. Frustration, fear, anger, hurt- these things have informed my life, and they are not separate from me, necessarily. I don't want to live my life based on what such things dictate.
my students this year are such fantastic people. My last mentor session of the day- my 12:00- is primarily male, and it is fascinating to notice the ways in which they are so used to interacting with each other. Ridicule, particularly of each other's weak or possibly- simply possibly, not necessarily- embarrassing aspects is a normal and accepted way of functioning with each other. Today, for the first time, I told them to stop laughing. Ooh, did they shut up quicklike!
part of it is a real decision to rise above the suffering that i inflict on myself so regularly. not necessarily above it, i suppose; more like differentiated from it. non-integrated.
How have i decided to live my life? As a conduit for the love and energy that surrounds me. Frustration, fear, anger, hurt- these things have informed my life, and they are not separate from me, necessarily. I don't want to live my life based on what such things dictate.
my students this year are such fantastic people. My last mentor session of the day- my 12:00- is primarily male, and it is fascinating to notice the ways in which they are so used to interacting with each other. Ridicule, particularly of each other's weak or possibly- simply possibly, not necessarily- embarrassing aspects is a normal and accepted way of functioning with each other. Today, for the first time, I told them to stop laughing. Ooh, did they shut up quicklike!
10.18.2005
ok, i get it.
i think that i'm being blown off by a guy i've been crushing on, a lovely boy i brought home friday night. i'm not sure this has really ever happened before.
great feeling, this. mmm. stupid to do potentially hurtful things 2 weeks before a big standardized test, during the grad application process.
well, i guess i can have a good memory, right?
in better news, thanner will be in town on thursday. (sigh of relief.) even with all the shit i have to do, it will be so pleasant to see him. it's always comforting to be around the people who love you unconditionally. on a similar note, david called me from ecuador! man, do i miss the crap outta him. and, brian wrote me today. i love my boys.
my meeting with my mentor today was soothing as well. i didn't want to leave his office, it felt so good to talk and argue with him- he's so, funny, he's a strange man in some ways, and he gets overwhelmed by me, i think. while i was being all big and excited about the awards ceremony he motioned at me to calm down. It was really, very funny, seeing him getting flustered. i totally love him, partly because it seems like he respects me and thinks my research is worthwhile. The other part is wrapped up in my fascination with him- his attitudes, his academic p.o.v., his flustered demeanor, his disheveled professsor look. it's true, i kinda have a crush on him, but it's a harmless little thing. One of my friends has had a few close calls with a professor recently, and i must admit i totally envy her. how sexy is that, an illicit tryst with a man who is your superior and so strictly off limits? Brains are an amazing turn-on for dorks like my friend and I. (she thinks my mentor is hot too, btw. sigh. stupid endless and fruitless fantasies.) I told him that i was strictly gay, i didn't want him to be nervous around me- he is, of course, of much more use to me as an academic mentor than anything else.
If you read books and can talk theory, any gender, you're on. Let's have a martini. If you were raised male or identify as male, please have a great anti-sexist analysis. it really is very hot.
great feeling, this. mmm. stupid to do potentially hurtful things 2 weeks before a big standardized test, during the grad application process.
well, i guess i can have a good memory, right?
in better news, thanner will be in town on thursday. (sigh of relief.) even with all the shit i have to do, it will be so pleasant to see him. it's always comforting to be around the people who love you unconditionally. on a similar note, david called me from ecuador! man, do i miss the crap outta him. and, brian wrote me today. i love my boys.
my meeting with my mentor today was soothing as well. i didn't want to leave his office, it felt so good to talk and argue with him- he's so, funny, he's a strange man in some ways, and he gets overwhelmed by me, i think. while i was being all big and excited about the awards ceremony he motioned at me to calm down. It was really, very funny, seeing him getting flustered. i totally love him, partly because it seems like he respects me and thinks my research is worthwhile. The other part is wrapped up in my fascination with him- his attitudes, his academic p.o.v., his flustered demeanor, his disheveled professsor look. it's true, i kinda have a crush on him, but it's a harmless little thing. One of my friends has had a few close calls with a professor recently, and i must admit i totally envy her. how sexy is that, an illicit tryst with a man who is your superior and so strictly off limits? Brains are an amazing turn-on for dorks like my friend and I. (she thinks my mentor is hot too, btw. sigh. stupid endless and fruitless fantasies.) I told him that i was strictly gay, i didn't want him to be nervous around me- he is, of course, of much more use to me as an academic mentor than anything else.
If you read books and can talk theory, any gender, you're on. Let's have a martini. If you were raised male or identify as male, please have a great anti-sexist analysis. it really is very hot.
10.15.2005
um
i feel kinda wierd today. a boy spent the nite last nite, a nice boy, and i feel a little possessive all of the sudden- me. possessive. i guess that can be normal, in some situations. last nite he was the cutest darn thing ever, all romantic and kissy, cuddly and etc, it really felt like he stayed in the room with me, he didn't mentally or emotionally exit. unusual. really. he kept pausing and opening the drapes, looking outside with the moonlight on his face and it was so darned touching
really
he said nice things
and comforted me
and i feel a little smitten
its true
and i'm feeling a little scared too. i want to call, but i don't want to look desperate or anything... i want to just say hi, no, really i want to invite him over and cuddle some more. but i'm having dindin with tia, and i really want to see her/hang out with her, so... yeh.
really
he said nice things
and comforted me
and i feel a little smitten
its true
and i'm feeling a little scared too. i want to call, but i don't want to look desperate or anything... i want to just say hi, no, really i want to invite him over and cuddle some more. but i'm having dindin with tia, and i really want to see her/hang out with her, so... yeh.
10.12.2005
this is creepy.
i feel singularly overwhelmed at the thought of not getting into the best school, about maybe compromising somehow. i am so choked up i can hardly talk to folks. i need some attention. i'm questioning my whole plan, the plan i've had in my back pocket for so long, jeez i just wanna live i wanna move i wanna just be and fuckitall i wanna be in school and doing research it all just seems so hard so competitive i don't wanna fail i don't wanna fall so do i just not do it because i may not succeed like i want to
i don't know
i don't know
i don't know
i don't know
10.10.2005
i'm having
a crisis of age. i'm sad i'm not younger, thinner, more able at some fucking thing. mostly biking. i'm not the best biker, i'd love to be better. i wanna be that pretty little thing again, the one getting all that attention. the person i used to be. sure, i still get attention. but i remember a time when i could count on it all the time. it fed something inside of me, something silly and small but damn.
it seems as though i better get thinner/prettier/fitter now, before i get any older, if I want to enjoy this time... and enjoy my body... hmmph...
maybe i should just do my (star) assignment.
it seems as though i better get thinner/prettier/fitter now, before i get any older, if I want to enjoy this time... and enjoy my body... hmmph...
maybe i should just do my (star) assignment.
10.03.2005
this is sucky
sometimes i make shitty decisions. so rite now i sit here, trying to read for class, thinking that my living situation MAY NOT fall apart for any reason. please god, let me do this well. i've dealt with so many hard situations- scary, overwhelming, confusing situations. i can, and will, overcome my fear about this. What i really want: to get out of my own way, to not take anyone else's fear on, to not take anyone else's shit on period, and to think really damn clearly about this. i must be able to live my life here without tension right now. if anyone can handle this well, i can, i am the most amazing at this. really. i am rad with people. tension does not need to exist in any way, stress does not need to be here, they are not predetermined and unavoidable reactions, they are based on fear and fear is the mind-killer. (hee hee, book dork reference.)
9.18.2005
8.10.2005
baby
i kinda hope you read this thing. i don't really feel like i can talk to you right now- not that you wouldn't hear, but I don't think i could speak. i feel like my tongue has been ripped from my mouth, i cant say anything when i see your face at the end of the phone, i can feel your lips through the microoptic length between us and i get breathless, formless, i melt inarticulate. i think about your body and your breath, the in out of your chest smooth against your milky skin
i am breathless formless inarticulated against the force and beauty of you. against the knowledge i confront that keeps us alone in our separate worlds on the other end of the phone distinct and distant
i am sorry i can't think or do anything else right now i can only think of me and i cannot help but be that selfish thing this moment is a crucial ladder rung
to get me up and out
i am already though i know no need to say it
i am breathless formless inarticulated against the force and beauty of you. against the knowledge i confront that keeps us alone in our separate worlds on the other end of the phone distinct and distant
i am sorry i can't think or do anything else right now i can only think of me and i cannot help but be that selfish thing this moment is a crucial ladder rung
to get me up and out
i am already though i know no need to say it
8.06.2005
fuck
i didn't break up with her because i don't want to be with her.
or: i broke up with her for reasons other than not wanting to be with her.
or: i want to be with this amazing woman that i just broke up with.
you might be asking, so why did you break up, then?
- because i really can't commit over this year. at all. i realized that i really don't want to. i have a dream that i'm chasing down, really it's not just a dream, it is a damn good reality and i don't want to have a partner of any sort when i move outta this lovely little town. i want to go and live on 500 a month and worry just about my own well being, not the well being of anyone else.
- I don't want to process all the time about the possibility/likelyhood of breaking up in a year.
- I don't want to be pushed away all the time because i'm going away. that night, as she lay next to me stock still and unresponsive i felt sad and alone, ice, far away. She said that there are parts that she's not showing me; places that she will not go. that statement made me want to die. die. die. die. die. die. die. die. I HATE being held at arm's length.
- she is sad. if i'm dictating these terms, how can she be happy? if they are not terms she likes, how can she be happy? if it's all about me getting what i need and not about her, how can she be happy? if she wants a long term relationship, and i can't do that, how can she be happy?
- the prospect of building resentment between us scares the crap outta me.
god i miss her already. thanner says that we can still be in each other's lives, that it will all be ok, that i can still.... oh fuck it. i'm not happy.
she's beautiful, isn't she?
i am freaking out
i think i did the right thing.
when does one know?
the missing has started already
i somehow can't imagine my life without you
when before i thought maybe it would be
better that way
for both of us
two people:
loving each other
on different paths
or not so different after all
we're all human, right? struggling together to more deeply understand ourselves and our places. she asked me tonite: where did i go? all the things i have told her i'm running away from. toward something, some ultimate freedom i am so afraid of losing
i can't stop thinking about movies with you, about driving in the car with you, moments shared eyes locked one place where we both can live for right now, that pretty and comfortable and pleasing place, where vulnerability and self are revealed majestically
i told her to not care about the future. but now all of the sudden i care so much about the turnout. i celebrate and look forward to my solitary adventure in a year, and i don't want to compromise that vision- i don't want that vision to change. and she wants something i don't want. i want something she doesn't want. will it come up again, and again and again, over and over and bitterness and resentment building, a year in the making...
i told laura today that i want to be single. really, i just don't want to have to process the possibility of breaking up all the time.
when does one know?
the missing has started already
i somehow can't imagine my life without you
when before i thought maybe it would be
better that way
for both of us
two people:
loving each other
on different paths
or not so different after all
we're all human, right? struggling together to more deeply understand ourselves and our places. she asked me tonite: where did i go? all the things i have told her i'm running away from. toward something, some ultimate freedom i am so afraid of losing
i can't stop thinking about movies with you, about driving in the car with you, moments shared eyes locked one place where we both can live for right now, that pretty and comfortable and pleasing place, where vulnerability and self are revealed majestically
i told her to not care about the future. but now all of the sudden i care so much about the turnout. i celebrate and look forward to my solitary adventure in a year, and i don't want to compromise that vision- i don't want that vision to change. and she wants something i don't want. i want something she doesn't want. will it come up again, and again and again, over and over and bitterness and resentment building, a year in the making...
i told laura today that i want to be single. really, i just don't want to have to process the possibility of breaking up all the time.
7.31.2005
goddamn
what if... everything i'm doing is for nothing? What if dr. beyler is simply humoring me- what if i really don't have the talent, i've been fooling myself and convincing my self that i'm a damn big fish, a big smart fish, but i'm living in a basketball sized pond. when i'm transferred to the lake i'm dead meat. eaten immediately. more fit to chug it out in my little fish bowl, than to get transferred... out into the open water...
should i ask him? i wonder what he'd say.
should i ask him? i wonder what he'd say.
7.30.2005
this sinking
feeling sucks. there are things I know; and there are things that i regret, there are things that i would rather not be true. Baggage I would rather not exist. Memories that I wish would go away. There are people that haunt my conciousness, people that no longer occupy the sameness that they were for me; and yet I condemn them to their pasts, as I do myself at times. Particularly as I lay in my bed, my secondary sheets rub slight holes in my skin, as my memories do on my brain, too rough for my delicate awareness, now. Why the stabs of guilt and memory? The pangs of past that hit me when i need to sleep, when i need to write? Are you remembering me as well? For all the forgetting I have attempted, the nonchalance I affected when casting you off or trying to forget you, the bile in my belly rises and attacks me when your visage presents itself in my brain. I am sorry. I do miss you, many of you- and I think of you, too often right now for my own good.
this happens every time. love reminds me of past love, desire of past transgressions. I am becoming jaded as I attempt to never repeat my past mistakes.
i wrote this a long time ago, not sure exactly how long:
as much as i ever loved you that fullness still lives in my heart cold & hot all at the same time & when i take a moment to look i see your pretty face looking back because you are caught too
I have no idea for how long though
our circles will not coincide
forever
this happens every time. love reminds me of past love, desire of past transgressions. I am becoming jaded as I attempt to never repeat my past mistakes.
i wrote this a long time ago, not sure exactly how long:
as much as i ever loved you that fullness still lives in my heart cold & hot all at the same time & when i take a moment to look i see your pretty face looking back because you are caught too
I have no idea for how long though
our circles will not coincide
forever
7.19.2005
could it be
that my love for you speaks
contradicting me and my idealism
i want you to be happy
and get what you need
someone who can give you
things that scare me
why waste your time?
i'm too unstable
impractical
wrong
i'm too much
i love you too much
to hurt you later
it might be easier now
even if i have to die a little
i want to give you everything
especially now
when i should be trying
practicality
...
contradicting me and my idealism
i want you to be happy
and get what you need
someone who can give you
things that scare me
why waste your time?
i'm too unstable
impractical
wrong
i'm too much
i love you too much
to hurt you later
it might be easier now
even if i have to die a little
i want to give you everything
especially now
when i should be trying
practicality
...
my eyes
can hardly open
anymore
a long day
long hours
spent
thinking of you
your soft skin
against my cheek
your smell fills my senses
even though...
you're not here
can i clutch tight
to these small tokens
things left
forgotten
in my room
hold them
feeling their
you-ness
nothing like
your soft skin
against my cheek
it is a stale scent
although welcome
plenty.
anymore
a long day
long hours
spent
thinking of you
your soft skin
against my cheek
your smell fills my senses
even though...
you're not here
can i clutch tight
to these small tokens
things left
forgotten
in my room
hold them
feeling their
you-ness
nothing like
your soft skin
against my cheek
it is a stale scent
although welcome
plenty.
sigh
i haven't felt this way in a long time. baby, you have been a shining light in my life- i won't ever take you for granted. whatever happens, don't forget me, don't forget what we've done. i love you.
7.17.2005
it is horrible
to see folks that I went to high school with on friendster/myspace, or really anywhere on the internet. y'know why? because high school was painfully embarrassing. And I was a fucked up drug addict in high school. I was probably absolutely horrible to folks and I might not remember any of it. And then I see folks that did messed up shit to me, and I wanna find them and beat the shit out of them. or hug them and tell them its ok. at least something emotional and restorative.
Hey everyone, I'm sorry I was a fucked up addict. I'm not anymore. I put my life back together, I'm healing myself- and i'm scared shitless to talk to most of you. so there we go.
Jordan, I'm sorry. Charlotte, you were awfully mean to me, but I'm sure I deserved some of it. I remember sitting in Jordan's living room, probably coming down or something as melodramatic, and crying about how it felt like no one cared, no one loved me. James looked at me and said, well maybe that's because no one does. I stopped crying.
i just wanted to feel ok, and drugs did that for me. for a little while. Just trying to get by. What did the other kids without mamas do? What did the other kids with overworked parents do? I dunno. This is what i did. Snorted and smoked meth. ick.
Hey everyone, I'm sorry I was a fucked up addict. I'm not anymore. I put my life back together, I'm healing myself- and i'm scared shitless to talk to most of you. so there we go.
Jordan, I'm sorry. Charlotte, you were awfully mean to me, but I'm sure I deserved some of it. I remember sitting in Jordan's living room, probably coming down or something as melodramatic, and crying about how it felt like no one cared, no one loved me. James looked at me and said, well maybe that's because no one does. I stopped crying.
i just wanted to feel ok, and drugs did that for me. for a little while. Just trying to get by. What did the other kids without mamas do? What did the other kids with overworked parents do? I dunno. This is what i did. Snorted and smoked meth. ick.
5.30.2005
i just remembered
mitch. what a memory. we really loved each other, loved hanging out with each other, seeing each other, he loved me. he was the first person to really love me, i think. he was the wrong person, yes, and i´m glad we´re not even friends, but he taught me an awful lot. thanks, mitch. i know i never told you, but i want you to know. i´m putting it out there to the universe, and maybe you´ll be able to hear me.
wow did we ever client on each other, though. woah.
wow did we ever client on each other, though. woah.
5.10.2005
hello again
i think i realized that when i hang out with reed i feel like shit, because he holds me at arms length. i think that sucks. i think i am not going to hang out with him for a while. and i am going to be totally ok with that- i am going to put good, loving effort into some other folks for a little while. yeh. i have lots of other deep and meaningful relationships, and i can wait for reed to come back with some vulnerability. i hope he's not mad that i slammed the car door... i always get scared that someones mad. fuckit.
i like l. she's rad. i'm super into hanging out with her.
i like l. she's rad. i'm super into hanging out with her.
4.20.2005
jeez
i am perhaps simply not used to being rejected. sigh. it does kinda blow. but then there are folks who want to hang out with/date me, that i am currently rejecting. is it all some fucked up painful circle where we just kick each other in the face? what the fuck.
hmmph.
hmmph.
i really
don't know. it seems like life is this funny little journey, and sometimes things are hard- super fucking crazy- or else it feels that way, so what are you supposed to do? constantly feel horrible? or just decide that things aren't all that bad?
y'know, it seems like maybe things feel bad even when they're good. in my life right now things are generally going well, lots of recognition for my hard work at school, i have a steady income, i have a great home, i enjoy my work, but for some reason it feels like i should be looking hard for love, like i need to be in love. i think that i have been in love regularly over the last five or so years. before mitch i was always in a multitude of relationships. after high school, i never really needed to be in a relationship, have a boyfriend, etc, partly perhaps because drugs did the deed enough for me.
Regardless, this seems to be a pattern i need to break. i have lots of great friends that i love, and that love me. i don't need to be in a primary relationship. it is nice to have friends whom i fuck- i like being able to have sex occasionally- although perhaps that is something else i should give up. you'd think it was fucking lent or something, with all this giving up...
y'know, it seems like maybe things feel bad even when they're good. in my life right now things are generally going well, lots of recognition for my hard work at school, i have a steady income, i have a great home, i enjoy my work, but for some reason it feels like i should be looking hard for love, like i need to be in love. i think that i have been in love regularly over the last five or so years. before mitch i was always in a multitude of relationships. after high school, i never really needed to be in a relationship, have a boyfriend, etc, partly perhaps because drugs did the deed enough for me.
Regardless, this seems to be a pattern i need to break. i have lots of great friends that i love, and that love me. i don't need to be in a primary relationship. it is nice to have friends whom i fuck- i like being able to have sex occasionally- although perhaps that is something else i should give up. you'd think it was fucking lent or something, with all this giving up...
4.17.2005
oh god
this is why i hate smoking weed. i remember all the things about myself that i hate- and then i sit there in creative quandry, wanting to do something pretty and instead just sitting there.
am i looking for something too profound in life? or is my life profound in ways that i can't see? i want to feel challenged and fulfilled, am i simply not challenging nor fulfilling myself? once upon a time in my life i had occasional bouts of severe-ness, periods of time where everything felt so ridiculously too much that i would freak out. they happened very infrequently. now, they seem to be happening weekly.
what the fuck am i supposed to be doing here? i am not making connections with people lately, and it feels like maybe i don't need to be, i have too much else to do- WHICH IS WHY I WANT TO QUIT IT ALL. fuck it. am i living my life? what the hell is living? is it partying and dancing and freaking out, all things that i don't know how to do without alcohol? is it camping and hiking and meditating? is it sewing and talking to folks? is it writing bad blog entries? who the fuck sees this shit anyway?
i don't know what the hell i want. am i some fucking poser who pretends all the fucking time? it feels like i'm pretending all the time. i wonder if other ppl feel like their life is a fucking play, mine is.
am i looking for something too profound in life? or is my life profound in ways that i can't see? i want to feel challenged and fulfilled, am i simply not challenging nor fulfilling myself? once upon a time in my life i had occasional bouts of severe-ness, periods of time where everything felt so ridiculously too much that i would freak out. they happened very infrequently. now, they seem to be happening weekly.
what the fuck am i supposed to be doing here? i am not making connections with people lately, and it feels like maybe i don't need to be, i have too much else to do- WHICH IS WHY I WANT TO QUIT IT ALL. fuck it. am i living my life? what the hell is living? is it partying and dancing and freaking out, all things that i don't know how to do without alcohol? is it camping and hiking and meditating? is it sewing and talking to folks? is it writing bad blog entries? who the fuck sees this shit anyway?
i don't know what the hell i want. am i some fucking poser who pretends all the fucking time? it feels like i'm pretending all the time. i wonder if other ppl feel like their life is a fucking play, mine is.
4.14.2005
it seems like
i wrote some other entries that are no longer here. i dunno.
why are people so damn squirrely? why, when you make yourself available to people, do they seem to sometimes shrink from it like you're offering something terrible?
i have to tell you a secret. i am so afraid that this past weekend in nc was some sort of giant booty call, and that once he got what he needed from me (sex) then it was over or something. oh god, it feels terrible. i keep telling myself that he loves me, he is one of my oldest friends, that of course he cares, but i keep remembering how awkward i felt around his friends, that i could never be as there as they were, that somehow he had much better connections with these men, i couldn't keep up with them, all my fears were realized- i walked into a den of men, another oak street, another trap, where i wasn't good enough to make eye contact with or funny enough to entertain folks or interesting/intelligent enough to make engaging conversation. jeezus am i scared that he has seen that part of me i thought that i had extinguished, that part of me that i thought i had proved didn't exist, some deep inadequate aspect lacking in humanity. i can't imagine my life without him, but what am i supposed to do if we don't have any connection other than a sexual one? what if all of it is gone? am i supposed to just keep going on- and let myself be reduced to this thing? is this all some horrible distress? am i just feeling all that shit that went down with us as kids? no responses to my call/text messages, etc. what the hell am i? i kinda want to just die. i want to run away. i want anything but this rejection, anyone else could reject the hell out of me, anyone but him. i know that's not true, but i have this deep tie to him that i love, and i remember that look on his face as i walked toward the airport doors and it was almost like "you're gonna get on that plane, right?" a skeptical look. god, i wonder how much i'm reading into this.
i don't know if i can do this r thing. it is so fucking hard. it is ripping my heart out. i am an empty fucking chest, open ribs, bleeding all over the ground. i can't get all "sure, we could fall in love again" and then deal with him running fast and hard away from me. it will fucking kill me. i love him too much. i'm gonna hide in my room, forever.
am i condemned to run in circles with these people forever?
why are people so damn squirrely? why, when you make yourself available to people, do they seem to sometimes shrink from it like you're offering something terrible?
i have to tell you a secret. i am so afraid that this past weekend in nc was some sort of giant booty call, and that once he got what he needed from me (sex) then it was over or something. oh god, it feels terrible. i keep telling myself that he loves me, he is one of my oldest friends, that of course he cares, but i keep remembering how awkward i felt around his friends, that i could never be as there as they were, that somehow he had much better connections with these men, i couldn't keep up with them, all my fears were realized- i walked into a den of men, another oak street, another trap, where i wasn't good enough to make eye contact with or funny enough to entertain folks or interesting/intelligent enough to make engaging conversation. jeezus am i scared that he has seen that part of me i thought that i had extinguished, that part of me that i thought i had proved didn't exist, some deep inadequate aspect lacking in humanity. i can't imagine my life without him, but what am i supposed to do if we don't have any connection other than a sexual one? what if all of it is gone? am i supposed to just keep going on- and let myself be reduced to this thing? is this all some horrible distress? am i just feeling all that shit that went down with us as kids? no responses to my call/text messages, etc. what the hell am i? i kinda want to just die. i want to run away. i want anything but this rejection, anyone else could reject the hell out of me, anyone but him. i know that's not true, but i have this deep tie to him that i love, and i remember that look on his face as i walked toward the airport doors and it was almost like "you're gonna get on that plane, right?" a skeptical look. god, i wonder how much i'm reading into this.
i don't know if i can do this r thing. it is so fucking hard. it is ripping my heart out. i am an empty fucking chest, open ribs, bleeding all over the ground. i can't get all "sure, we could fall in love again" and then deal with him running fast and hard away from me. it will fucking kill me. i love him too much. i'm gonna hide in my room, forever.
am i condemned to run in circles with these people forever?
4.05.2005
the sinking feeling
i miss j. i wonder if i miss j, or if i miss what i wanted to have with j. damn. i was so in the middle of getting ready to be his girlfriend, like, for real. i had just decided to commit to him- and thought we had a mutual agreement to commit, and what the fuck, three days later he runs away. i was wrong; men don’t do the freak out after three weeks, they do it any damn time the commitment fear hits them hard. and you become the bad guy. or girl. or whatever. god, then he starts dating someone right away, it was like he needed to be with someone immediately, and it wasn’t me that he wanted to be with, what the fuck with all of the “i wanna be with you” and commitment-speak in the beginning, what the fuck with all of the super-wanting-to-hang-out crap, like all the time, jeez. i feel kinda used and abused. but then i remember his long frame stalking down the hallway toward me, his herringbone jacket perfect on his frame, his hair framing his face, and i miss the crap out of him.
i wonder if he was trying to hump the bartender at his fave bar the whole time, if he was like waiting for her to dump her boyfriend, or was just maintaining his little romance for when the commitment fear hit him and he could jump to the next new love. it's easier to be in new love than maintain a relationship. and possibly less scary. i understand that. i even feel that.
i wonder if he misses me at all. it sucks to sit and perhaps be the only one missing the relationship, but you know what, fuck it all. i don’t know what to say. i don’t know why he ran away, why he decided to judge me, i remember the look in his eye and the tone in his voice- who are you?- and i didn’t know what to say. i was wearing sweatpants, is that it? i looked tired and scared, was that it? i am SOO tired of wondering whether or not i was woman enough for men, that’s what i love about reed, that its not about me being grrly or femme or whatever but that i am sexy no matter what my gender presentation is, and with david too, i know that when i am strong and careful and even when i look like a big old dyke then i am still a woman, deserving love and care from men. i am bisexual. i am a butchy femme queer, and i want to love men and women, and i don’t want to have to be the typical female role for you to love me. And, I want to be dominated in bed sometimes. This does not contradict my butchy femme presentation. yeh, motherfuckers. what.
i wonder if he was trying to hump the bartender at his fave bar the whole time, if he was like waiting for her to dump her boyfriend, or was just maintaining his little romance for when the commitment fear hit him and he could jump to the next new love. it's easier to be in new love than maintain a relationship. and possibly less scary. i understand that. i even feel that.
i wonder if he misses me at all. it sucks to sit and perhaps be the only one missing the relationship, but you know what, fuck it all. i don’t know what to say. i don’t know why he ran away, why he decided to judge me, i remember the look in his eye and the tone in his voice- who are you?- and i didn’t know what to say. i was wearing sweatpants, is that it? i looked tired and scared, was that it? i am SOO tired of wondering whether or not i was woman enough for men, that’s what i love about reed, that its not about me being grrly or femme or whatever but that i am sexy no matter what my gender presentation is, and with david too, i know that when i am strong and careful and even when i look like a big old dyke then i am still a woman, deserving love and care from men. i am bisexual. i am a butchy femme queer, and i want to love men and women, and i don’t want to have to be the typical female role for you to love me. And, I want to be dominated in bed sometimes. This does not contradict my butchy femme presentation. yeh, motherfuckers. what.
4.04.2005
oh yeah- this is good-
that man i talked about below- the blind date man, the one who talked too much? the sweet one i met again at j's bday. he and my friend l went on a date, an un-drunk date, and he talked nonstop for almost 5 hours. heheh. that's kinda funny. i guess i won't be dating him at all.
talking about dating, i am feeling *so* unattracted to sex w/men right now. i don't want to even go there. there are two that i am sleeping with, three, kind of, but i can't help but think that really, what i want right now, is a woman. a girlfriend, a fun one.
talking about dating, i am feeling *so* unattracted to sex w/men right now. i don't want to even go there. there are two that i am sleeping with, three, kind of, but i can't help but think that really, what i want right now, is a woman. a girlfriend, a fun one.
i am getting a little bit
nervous. about going. especially after finding that my ticket was not reserved for the days that i had reported to n- i am particularly embarrassed. and soon i will be in an environment that might be a little rough for me to take sans crutch, aka, alcohol or something similar. i want to stick to this decision. i have decided, already, to do it. enough bitching and moaning about being afraid of it.
oh fuck, who am i? i am not the person i was six months ago, two years ago, five years ago. i am different, overwhelmingly so. hmmph. perhaps i'm overreacting. i tend to do that when i smoke.
did i tell you that i was/am a drug addict? Recovering, of course, after a long bout with methamphetamine. I wasn't the sort of dope addict you normally run across, not until the end, i had a boyfriend who had no idea for over 6 months. he went back to the east coast never knowing. i was good, thin, but not too thin, i ate food all the time, had *great* grades in high school, later maintained a *great* job, had lovers and lots of fun. but i was high the whole time. and now i'm *attempting* some sort of period of time away from alcohol. i have become someone very different, i have my eye on something, my future, i guess. i want something for myself, something rich and diverse and challenging.
oh fuck, who am i? i am not the person i was six months ago, two years ago, five years ago. i am different, overwhelmingly so. hmmph. perhaps i'm overreacting. i tend to do that when i smoke.
did i tell you that i was/am a drug addict? Recovering, of course, after a long bout with methamphetamine. I wasn't the sort of dope addict you normally run across, not until the end, i had a boyfriend who had no idea for over 6 months. he went back to the east coast never knowing. i was good, thin, but not too thin, i ate food all the time, had *great* grades in high school, later maintained a *great* job, had lovers and lots of fun. but i was high the whole time. and now i'm *attempting* some sort of period of time away from alcohol. i have become someone very different, i have my eye on something, my future, i guess. i want something for myself, something rich and diverse and challenging.
3.27.2005
twists and turns
are to be expected, i guess. i'm kinda happy right now- the party i had here last night was marginal, at best, but the sex i had after the party was pretty fucking good. with someone i did not expect to be having sex with. almost a year later... interesting. he's kinda romantic in bed, its funny. he kisses all tender and intimate-like, and i guess i didn't expect it. i don't really remember it being like that before, but my memory of that time is clouded with some fucked up shit.
I'm at home, all by myself, and there is no television or movie to distract me, and it is all quiet and still, besides the whirring of my space heater. um, i don't know what to do. sleep? i have no good books to read right now (damn it).
hmmph.
I'm at home, all by myself, and there is no television or movie to distract me, and it is all quiet and still, besides the whirring of my space heater. um, i don't know what to do. sleep? i have no good books to read right now (damn it).
hmmph.
3.21.2005
aw shit
i did not expect this to come back and bite me in the ass like this. at all. i had a great weekend, by the way, thanks to db- i like hanging out, being romantic and sexual and having no strings attached. i had a lot of great sex, great food, great drink, did whatever i damn well pleased and had great company for it. i came home afterwards and had a great dinner with r, then had great sex again. so, from all the looks of it, my life is pretty fucking great, huh? i get to do what i want, when i want to motherfucking do it, and answer to no motherfucker about it. Fuck it.
So why am i so motherfucking pissed off about this thing? it turns out that this toby person is real, she and j are fucking doing it, or something akin to that, and motherfucking j runs into my motherfucking BEST FRIEND, introduces her to this girl, she calls me, says that she saw him with toby, do i know this toby? my motherfucking heart dropped into my stomach.
i have one thing to say, j, and that is- fuck you, not for seeing someone else, i give a fuck about that, really- but for lying to me, and breaking up with me because you started seeing someone else and lying to me about it. And then lying when i caught you. Have fun, i hope that she is easier and more fun to be with than i was, i am a tough bitch and i know it and goddamn you and every other man who can't look into themselves enough to not feel threatened and fucked up by me.
or maybe i'm just crazy. i dunno. i tend to think that i'm ok. in real life, i think i am. and i don't want a real boyfriend right now, that's why i wanted to be poly anyway with you, freaked out. i hope that you are happy. I'm sorry that you didn't feel like you could tell me the truth.
So why am i so motherfucking pissed off about this thing? it turns out that this toby person is real, she and j are fucking doing it, or something akin to that, and motherfucking j runs into my motherfucking BEST FRIEND, introduces her to this girl, she calls me, says that she saw him with toby, do i know this toby? my motherfucking heart dropped into my stomach.
i have one thing to say, j, and that is- fuck you, not for seeing someone else, i give a fuck about that, really- but for lying to me, and breaking up with me because you started seeing someone else and lying to me about it. And then lying when i caught you. Have fun, i hope that she is easier and more fun to be with than i was, i am a tough bitch and i know it and goddamn you and every other man who can't look into themselves enough to not feel threatened and fucked up by me.
or maybe i'm just crazy. i dunno. i tend to think that i'm ok. in real life, i think i am. and i don't want a real boyfriend right now, that's why i wanted to be poly anyway with you, freaked out. i hope that you are happy. I'm sorry that you didn't feel like you could tell me the truth.
3.13.2005
well, fuck
if i start thinking about him, i get awfully sad. when i saw him this week he looked at me with those sad eyes, and we touched each other, and i missed him so fucking much. but i know that we can't get that original feeling back. its too bad. he's so nice and all that, but its important to remember that i was relatively doubtful through most of it. oh, it feels shitty to say that. i hate dating. no fucking more. no more broken hearts. my life for me.
there are
still images of me, a child, that people in my life retain in their minds. they reference these images, compare them to the present me, filter all my words and behaviors through that memory of a very small me. i can see them, i can watch them filtering- staring at me, astonished perhaps, that i stand in front of them- adult, completely now, without restraint.
my cousin met her husband in college. he would do funny things to her parked bike to show her that he loved her. they have been together for more than ten years. i am in college, i am late to be in college, i don't want to meet a fratty man aspiring to be an environmental engineer, i want to be happy with me- but there is a part of me that envies her, she's been in love for so long, and he's a good person, he loves her. she has two beautiful children, they are small and smiley, so cute. but she didn't breed until she was 32.
i will be done with my phd by then...
my cousin met her husband in college. he would do funny things to her parked bike to show her that he loved her. they have been together for more than ten years. i am in college, i am late to be in college, i don't want to meet a fratty man aspiring to be an environmental engineer, i want to be happy with me- but there is a part of me that envies her, she's been in love for so long, and he's a good person, he loves her. she has two beautiful children, they are small and smiley, so cute. but she didn't breed until she was 32.
i will be done with my phd by then...
3.10.2005
here's a question
if i decided to focus on liberation and movement building, instead of whether or not i was pretty/desireable/interesting/sexy, what exactly would the effect be? would i just know that i was ok most of the time, and focus on writing/organizing/meeting ppl/facilitating fun workshops/etc? would my amazing ability to be completely focused on a single task serve me right and would i shine again- rather than feeling fucking deflated, unfocused, etc.... yep. that's what i wanna do. no more getting all wrapped up in getting affection/etc. crap it all.
3.09.2005
today was
good and bad, both. i had an easygoing morning, wherein i had a cup of coffee and did research whilst my students evaluated my performance this term. i had nice conversations with people i like. i had a great bike ride to the place where all this happened- namely, my school- in record time. 20 minutes! shit! i am a motherfucking cyclin' fool, for real. On the bike ride home, though, things took a turn for the melancholy- i saw j walking down the street, he said hi, i stopped my (great looking) bike, i looked like ass, he looked motherfucking good, i felt sad, talked too much, complimented his look, got no compliment in return, said stupid things, said goodbye, and rode away. He, of course, was tactful and kind. because that's how that guy is. and i may be kind, but i am dramatic and tactless.
aw, fuckit, may the dramatic rule the earth already. we're more fun, maybe, than the quiet alcholics- we get drunk, we get crazy, we invent situations to get mad/excited/sad about, we love to get riled up and all that. it kinda hurts, though, that so many people think i'm in crisis mode all the time. r used to say that shit to me, and it hurt, because i thought i was just being me. d said today that i seemed to be in crisis all the time, and j used to say that. really, i think that i may be:
1) depressed
2) some sort of manic
3) add
I present these options for a specific reason. d said that i have an uncanny ability to focus completely on a project- to be singularly consumed. this is very true. this is why i'm good at certain things- production, organizing events/etc. i have extreme emotional differentials. i go up and down like a motherfucking ferris wheel, and not all that predictable, either. i am super emotional, and when i'm feeling things i usually have to be dramatic about it.
it feels kinda poopy. but if i was a more even-keeled person, i wouldnt be the dynamic person i think i am now. somehow, i believe that i am a compelling person, and i think my intensity is an essential part of that.
aw, fuckit, may the dramatic rule the earth already. we're more fun, maybe, than the quiet alcholics- we get drunk, we get crazy, we invent situations to get mad/excited/sad about, we love to get riled up and all that. it kinda hurts, though, that so many people think i'm in crisis mode all the time. r used to say that shit to me, and it hurt, because i thought i was just being me. d said today that i seemed to be in crisis all the time, and j used to say that. really, i think that i may be:
1) depressed
2) some sort of manic
3) add
I present these options for a specific reason. d said that i have an uncanny ability to focus completely on a project- to be singularly consumed. this is very true. this is why i'm good at certain things- production, organizing events/etc. i have extreme emotional differentials. i go up and down like a motherfucking ferris wheel, and not all that predictable, either. i am super emotional, and when i'm feeling things i usually have to be dramatic about it.
it feels kinda poopy. but if i was a more even-keeled person, i wouldnt be the dynamic person i think i am now. somehow, i believe that i am a compelling person, and i think my intensity is an essential part of that.
3.07.2005
i've been thinking
about whether or not to really share my blog. i'm not sure it matters anyway, but i'm contemplating it.
i am sworn off dating for a little while. no more. i feel bad when i let folks down, i don't wanna break hearts because having your heart broken sucks. feeling broken sucks. and i dont wanna feel broken again anytime soon. so there.
although the other evening i saw a nice young man at a party... he and i blind dated one time, i was totally turned off because he never stopped talking. seriously. i asked about his watch- wait, no, i just complimented it- and he went on to tell me about the four prior watches, how they came into his possession, things that happened while he had them, and how he lost them. it was very hard for me to be in the conversation, it seemed like he maybe didnt know i was there anyway. so i kinda blew him off, told him i was real busy in school and all that (hmm, sounds familiar...) He came to our house party a while later, when i had just started seeing j, and he kissed me at the very end- and i really enjoyed his kiss. hes respectfully impulsive, and it was ridiculously endearing.
at this recent party (j.s. b'day, yay!) i sat next to him and we made awkward conversation, attempting to hold down a marginally interesting conversation, we were mediocre at it. i caught him looking at me alot, and that was interesting. i kept imagining him naked and breathless and sweaty during our conversation, is that dirty?
oh hell yes it is. i have been doing that alot lately. i've been feeling the need for a good rough casual fuck, and i cant help but imagine my friends/the busperson/cashier/person riding by on their bike panting and naked. hmm. panting.
i'm still not dating, though, fuck all that noise, i'm not gonna do this shit. too much fucking stress already.
i am sworn off dating for a little while. no more. i feel bad when i let folks down, i don't wanna break hearts because having your heart broken sucks. feeling broken sucks. and i dont wanna feel broken again anytime soon. so there.
although the other evening i saw a nice young man at a party... he and i blind dated one time, i was totally turned off because he never stopped talking. seriously. i asked about his watch- wait, no, i just complimented it- and he went on to tell me about the four prior watches, how they came into his possession, things that happened while he had them, and how he lost them. it was very hard for me to be in the conversation, it seemed like he maybe didnt know i was there anyway. so i kinda blew him off, told him i was real busy in school and all that (hmm, sounds familiar...) He came to our house party a while later, when i had just started seeing j, and he kissed me at the very end- and i really enjoyed his kiss. hes respectfully impulsive, and it was ridiculously endearing.
at this recent party (j.s. b'day, yay!) i sat next to him and we made awkward conversation, attempting to hold down a marginally interesting conversation, we were mediocre at it. i caught him looking at me alot, and that was interesting. i kept imagining him naked and breathless and sweaty during our conversation, is that dirty?
oh hell yes it is. i have been doing that alot lately. i've been feeling the need for a good rough casual fuck, and i cant help but imagine my friends/the busperson/cashier/person riding by on their bike panting and naked. hmm. panting.
i'm still not dating, though, fuck all that noise, i'm not gonna do this shit. too much fucking stress already.
3.06.2005
jeezus
i feel like shit. i just don't want to date any new folks. i want easy and casual things. you can feel it when something isn't going to be casual- maybe i knew it, the day after, when she called me three times and i didn't know how to react and i really like kissing her but i can't think about making a new relationship with anyone right now, i really can't, or it feels like i really can't, like it would overwhelm me and that i would start just hanging out with her all the time and i would forget again about people and that she would be over here all the time and me over there and i wouldn't do my work but for making out and fucking, and damn, i'm scared as shit of that and then it feels like i maybe am not that attracted to her and i remember her pussy on my leg in my bed that night and her wetness on my skin and thinking that i wasn't very wet at all, and that i didn't know what to feel about that, and damn but i have some shit to work through.
i have cramps. i feel a little depressed. i want someone to come over and cuddle me, which is what she wanted, and you know what? maybe we're too much alike, need the same sorts of care, and if that's bad i don't know...
water. i need water. and spirulina. i love the light and the air and sometimes i love to have conversations with people while imagining fucking them, naked and sweaty and dirty and down. i love people. i cant date them for a little while, tho. i think audrey is taking a break.
i have cramps. i feel a little depressed. i want someone to come over and cuddle me, which is what she wanted, and you know what? maybe we're too much alike, need the same sorts of care, and if that's bad i don't know...
water. i need water. and spirulina. i love the light and the air and sometimes i love to have conversations with people while imagining fucking them, naked and sweaty and dirty and down. i love people. i cant date them for a little while, tho. i think audrey is taking a break.
2.22.2005
i'm such a shit
when it comes to money. I try to forget that it exists all the time. i try to pretend like what i do with it doesn't matter. really, it doesn't that much- i do pretty much what i want to anyway.
but a whole day sans cell phone... i think i learned a lesson. things i couldn't do because i had no money:
- talk on the phone.
- call m back. :(
- buy coffee.
i guess that's not that bad. i need to buy my plane ticket to visit n too.
i can't stop thinking about sex. i'm fantasizing about ppl i shouldn't be. and should be. r and i have been fucking like champs.
but a whole day sans cell phone... i think i learned a lesson. things i couldn't do because i had no money:
- talk on the phone.
- call m back. :(
- buy coffee.
i guess that's not that bad. i need to buy my plane ticket to visit n too.
i can't stop thinking about sex. i'm fantasizing about ppl i shouldn't be. and should be. r and i have been fucking like champs.
2.21.2005
i don't always know
what the hell i'm doing. i thought i wanted to date r again, and now i'm not so sure. he's rad, i miss him, but i *don't* miss the processing. perhaps i'm attempting to challenge myself. somehow. oh well. i now decide... to fucking stop needing to process with him on the stuff that he triggers with me. i know that i can do that, even if its
fucking hard. and it will be.
r and i have a pattern: we say things that trigger each other and whoever's getting triggered usually feels a need to address it with the other, rather than getting a fucking session. jeez already. so he said "addicted" a couple of times. so what. its annoying, because he doesn't really know what addiction is like. i wish he would find another word, but oh well. i don't need to process with him about it. goddamn.
on the other hand... my life is pretty damned good. i met a pretty girl last nite. she is rad. i called her to ask her out for Friday nite. we made out on the dance floor after a long time of dancing, touching, freaking, she's lovely.
yay for me.
fucking hard. and it will be.
r and i have a pattern: we say things that trigger each other and whoever's getting triggered usually feels a need to address it with the other, rather than getting a fucking session. jeez already. so he said "addicted" a couple of times. so what. its annoying, because he doesn't really know what addiction is like. i wish he would find another word, but oh well. i don't need to process with him about it. goddamn.
on the other hand... my life is pretty damned good. i met a pretty girl last nite. she is rad. i called her to ask her out for Friday nite. we made out on the dance floor after a long time of dancing, touching, freaking, she's lovely.
yay for me.
2.16.2005
and sometimes
things get a little too exciting. fuck.
tonite i wanted to buy a bike. i told a guy whose bike i was interested in that i couldn't see it until friday. he offered to bring it by. and take me to the cash machine. (perhaps that should have been a tip-off.) nonetheless, he brings it by. i test it out. i don't want it- the chain falls off while i'm riding. now, my bike may be old and tired but damned if the chain falls off. He puts the chain back on, i try it again- and the bike is just not working for me. so i tell him that.
he gets crazy, jerks the bike away from me, throws it back on top of his ice cream van (it's covered with good humor stickers) while cursing at me. i thank him sweetly, seeing as how i'm a good little co-counselor. he says something about paying him ten dollars. i ignore that, seeing as how i don't have ten dollars. and i'm not paying for him to bring me a shitty (stolen?) bike that i don't want.
So he sends me a threatening email (two, actually) demanding fifteen dollars. He says he's gonna get madder. hmm. i have a thing- i learned it from my family- if someone threatens to hit you, you don't wait for them to do it. you hit them first. if he sends me another email, i'll figure something out. i already called the cops. what the hell do police do, though? pretty much nothing, most of the time. i found his addy, and such. am i psycho now? i am tired of being threatened by psychotic fucks.
wierdos. definitely not boring, though.
tonite i wanted to buy a bike. i told a guy whose bike i was interested in that i couldn't see it until friday. he offered to bring it by. and take me to the cash machine. (perhaps that should have been a tip-off.) nonetheless, he brings it by. i test it out. i don't want it- the chain falls off while i'm riding. now, my bike may be old and tired but damned if the chain falls off. He puts the chain back on, i try it again- and the bike is just not working for me. so i tell him that.
he gets crazy, jerks the bike away from me, throws it back on top of his ice cream van (it's covered with good humor stickers) while cursing at me. i thank him sweetly, seeing as how i'm a good little co-counselor. he says something about paying him ten dollars. i ignore that, seeing as how i don't have ten dollars. and i'm not paying for him to bring me a shitty (stolen?) bike that i don't want.
So he sends me a threatening email (two, actually) demanding fifteen dollars. He says he's gonna get madder. hmm. i have a thing- i learned it from my family- if someone threatens to hit you, you don't wait for them to do it. you hit them first. if he sends me another email, i'll figure something out. i already called the cops. what the hell do police do, though? pretty much nothing, most of the time. i found his addy, and such. am i psycho now? i am tired of being threatened by psychotic fucks.
wierdos. definitely not boring, though.
2.15.2005
things don't
really get easier, sometimes. sometimes they get much more difficult. sometimes they stay difficult.
i hate to say it, but i'm awfully bored. i don't want to go out to the same places i've been, i don't want to dance to the same music drinking the same drinks. i don't want to constantly read and write anymore. i don't want to get in bed at 9 because i have to wake up early, or worry about what to wear or take the same damn bus every fucking day, it feels sometimes like i've died already and here i am in hell, where everything is so fucking repetitive that it is driving me absolutely insane. It feels like i've done everything. i don't want to drink because its so fucking boring. smoking is boring. eating is boring. i'm goddamn bored.
or maybe i'm just numb. if you're open to it, isn't everything supposed to be illuminating? i must remember, boredom is a fucking coping mechanism, and if i really decided to be present every moment would be comepletely unique and amazing.
hm. right. i forget. processprocessprocess
i am still waking up at 4:30 am, every morning... ok, i actually slept through the night on saturday nite, i think because d was here, and i trust him pretty completely. last nite i was with r, and i woke up in the dark, smelling a familiar smell, laying in a familiar bed, but i didn't know where i was- it took me what seemed like a very long time to figure it out. for a little while i thought i was at j's. hmm. getting around, aren't i? nonetheless, i woke up to him later, as our alarm clocks sounded successively. he is really a pretty boy. i've missed him.
i hate to say it, but i'm awfully bored. i don't want to go out to the same places i've been, i don't want to dance to the same music drinking the same drinks. i don't want to constantly read and write anymore. i don't want to get in bed at 9 because i have to wake up early, or worry about what to wear or take the same damn bus every fucking day, it feels sometimes like i've died already and here i am in hell, where everything is so fucking repetitive that it is driving me absolutely insane. It feels like i've done everything. i don't want to drink because its so fucking boring. smoking is boring. eating is boring. i'm goddamn bored.
or maybe i'm just numb. if you're open to it, isn't everything supposed to be illuminating? i must remember, boredom is a fucking coping mechanism, and if i really decided to be present every moment would be comepletely unique and amazing.
hm. right. i forget. processprocessprocess
i am still waking up at 4:30 am, every morning... ok, i actually slept through the night on saturday nite, i think because d was here, and i trust him pretty completely. last nite i was with r, and i woke up in the dark, smelling a familiar smell, laying in a familiar bed, but i didn't know where i was- it took me what seemed like a very long time to figure it out. for a little while i thought i was at j's. hmm. getting around, aren't i? nonetheless, i woke up to him later, as our alarm clocks sounded successively. he is really a pretty boy. i've missed him.
2.09.2005
laying awake
has become a pattern. now it's four thirty instead of 6. i woke up yesterday and this morning at 4:30, almost on the dot, and lay in my bed listening to my head.
last nite i drank almost two whole bottles of wine. n watched me and attempted to have a conversation over dinner with me, and was very consoling, seeing as how i was beating myself up (again) and acting generally like an obsessive freak. "He hates me" "what's wrong with me" "i'm being punished for my youthful sins..." it goes on and on.
I got mixed up. I thought that love had to do with one person, again! I forgot that I am love, and that love is all around me. Duh. That realization woke me up.
yay for me.
last nite i drank almost two whole bottles of wine. n watched me and attempted to have a conversation over dinner with me, and was very consoling, seeing as how i was beating myself up (again) and acting generally like an obsessive freak. "He hates me" "what's wrong with me" "i'm being punished for my youthful sins..." it goes on and on.
I got mixed up. I thought that love had to do with one person, again! I forgot that I am love, and that love is all around me. Duh. That realization woke me up.
yay for me.
2.08.2005
the sun comes out
and damn do i wallow in these cynical days. i talked to my dad this morning- i'm not at school because i'm f-ing sick, i'm coughing and dizzy, generally out of it- and his response to my depression was "it seems to me that there are a lot of boys out there"- and i kinda stopped for a second. For all the people close to me, most of my dating is fleeting. and expectedly so. makes sense.
this morning
is covered over with fog and silence, besides t moving in the kitchen, cleaning, and cars passing in front of our house. j came over this morning, brought a bag of things i had left at his little apartment, i dreamt last nite about how i hated the decor there. hmm. seeing him was confusing; i felt far away and sad and a little bitter. i'm sure he could sense the last. i was doing my best, though...
what do you do when they bring over all your shit in a bag? smile? thank them? i did all that.
he's a nice boy. i'm glad we're not romantic anymore... and sad too. oh well. t says to stop digging myself a hole. that's no fun.
what do you do when they bring over all your shit in a bag? smile? thank them? i did all that.
he's a nice boy. i'm glad we're not romantic anymore... and sad too. oh well. t says to stop digging myself a hole. that's no fun.
2.07.2005
feeling broken
man, rejection is blowing my mind. i'm done capsizing, i'm freezing in the arctic waters. i woke up this morning at six, proceeded to lay awake forever, thinking about how i am not wanted by this man. for some reason that means something. with m, it made sense- i was astonishingly stuck in my stuff when we were making out. with r, we grew apart. this, i do not even know how it came about. it is very hard to not think that it happened because there is something wrong with me, that i am deficient in some way. its hard to remember right now that i didn't really want to be with him, either.
i am supposed to be studying.
my life is going really well, i have amazing opportunities streching ahead of me and man do i bust my ass for school and work, for writing and teaching, i am admired and respected, i have a fantastic community that is filled with people who love the crap outta me, and this man has such the ability to break my heart. that was a theme this morning, as i lay in my bed unhappily awake: my heart is broken and it doesn't seem like i can fix it very quickly. i think its mostly broken due to rejection, though; j wasn't very emotionally available.
really, the sex wasn't very good either. the last time we really went at it the only way he could maintain his erection was by continually choking me as he fucked me missionary style. i don't mind the choking, really at all, i am a more than willing sub, but if that's the only way you can stay hard.... that's kinda scary. fetish is ok, but damned if we had ever talked about that.
it seems as though i am trying to convince myself of something, huh? perhaps i just need to remember. I don't want my life to be about drinking and smoking and escaping and all that, and j did a lot of that. god. am i a catty bitch.
i hate valentines day. reed comes home from nicaragua that day. fuck all this shit. i am feeling, for the first time in a long time, completely turned off to dating. especially men. joel, like reed, left me in the dark with some empty version of himself, pretending like everything was ok. i am motherfucking tired of it. at least m was honest with me... i can't hate him for that. in fact, thanks, m. you're rad.
i am supposed to be studying.
my life is going really well, i have amazing opportunities streching ahead of me and man do i bust my ass for school and work, for writing and teaching, i am admired and respected, i have a fantastic community that is filled with people who love the crap outta me, and this man has such the ability to break my heart. that was a theme this morning, as i lay in my bed unhappily awake: my heart is broken and it doesn't seem like i can fix it very quickly. i think its mostly broken due to rejection, though; j wasn't very emotionally available.
really, the sex wasn't very good either. the last time we really went at it the only way he could maintain his erection was by continually choking me as he fucked me missionary style. i don't mind the choking, really at all, i am a more than willing sub, but if that's the only way you can stay hard.... that's kinda scary. fetish is ok, but damned if we had ever talked about that.
it seems as though i am trying to convince myself of something, huh? perhaps i just need to remember. I don't want my life to be about drinking and smoking and escaping and all that, and j did a lot of that. god. am i a catty bitch.
i hate valentines day. reed comes home from nicaragua that day. fuck all this shit. i am feeling, for the first time in a long time, completely turned off to dating. especially men. joel, like reed, left me in the dark with some empty version of himself, pretending like everything was ok. i am motherfucking tired of it. at least m was honest with me... i can't hate him for that. in fact, thanks, m. you're rad.
2.05.2005
its february
this month has been suprisingly beautiful... hard, and beautiful.
so many things have happened. I had a crush, pursued it, started dating him, was very doubtful about the situation, was skittish, he seemed like he really wanted to "be with me," i decided to go for it, after a couple months we decided to "be together," and a week later he decides that he doesn't want to do it.
hmm.
needless to say, i'm reeling. like a capsizing boat. i commit, he runs away- my fears playing out perfectly. I hate it when that happens. Really hate it.
i made a mistake, though, i think... i told him that i didn't think i fell in love with him, and now that seems laughable. how could i have said that? i must have such a tenuous relationship with love, to need it to fit into a certain sort of box. i'm sorry for it now.
so many things have happened. I had a crush, pursued it, started dating him, was very doubtful about the situation, was skittish, he seemed like he really wanted to "be with me," i decided to go for it, after a couple months we decided to "be together," and a week later he decides that he doesn't want to do it.
hmm.
needless to say, i'm reeling. like a capsizing boat. i commit, he runs away- my fears playing out perfectly. I hate it when that happens. Really hate it.
i made a mistake, though, i think... i told him that i didn't think i fell in love with him, and now that seems laughable. how could i have said that? i must have such a tenuous relationship with love, to need it to fit into a certain sort of box. i'm sorry for it now.
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he said, "can i be completely honest?" my stomach jumped, preparing. "yeah." i responded. "of course." "i...
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i don't want to love him anymore. fuck. i want to be done. i want to be free of this. i don't want to care that he's with someon...
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of talking to people about my struggles. i just want to make decisions and figure shit out. i don't want to talk about drama anymore. at...
