aw shit

i did not expect this to come back and bite me in the ass like this. at all. i had a great weekend, by the way, thanks to db- i like hanging out, being romantic and sexual and having no strings attached. i had a lot of great sex, great food, great drink, did whatever i damn well pleased and had great company for it. i came home afterwards and had a great dinner with r, then had great sex again. so, from all the looks of it, my life is pretty fucking great, huh? i get to do what i want, when i want to motherfucking do it, and answer to no motherfucker about it. Fuck it.

So why am i so motherfucking pissed off about this thing? it turns out that this toby person is real, she and j are fucking doing it, or something akin to that, and motherfucking j runs into my motherfucking BEST FRIEND, introduces her to this girl, she calls me, says that she saw him with toby, do i know this toby? my motherfucking heart dropped into my stomach.

i have one thing to say, j, and that is- fuck you, not for seeing someone else, i give a fuck about that, really- but for lying to me, and breaking up with me because you started seeing someone else and lying to me about it. And then lying when i caught you. Have fun, i hope that she is easier and more fun to be with than i was, i am a tough bitch and i know it and goddamn you and every other man who can't look into themselves enough to not feel threatened and fucked up by me.

or maybe i'm just crazy. i dunno. i tend to think that i'm ok. in real life, i think i am. and i don't want a real boyfriend right now, that's why i wanted to be poly anyway with you, freaked out. i hope that you are happy. I'm sorry that you didn't feel like you could tell me the truth.