today was

good and bad, both. i had an easygoing morning, wherein i had a cup of coffee and did research whilst my students evaluated my performance this term. i had nice conversations with people i like. i had a great bike ride to the place where all this happened- namely, my school- in record time. 20 minutes! shit! i am a motherfucking cyclin' fool, for real. On the bike ride home, though, things took a turn for the melancholy- i saw j walking down the street, he said hi, i stopped my (great looking) bike, i looked like ass, he looked motherfucking good, i felt sad, talked too much, complimented his look, got no compliment in return, said stupid things, said goodbye, and rode away. He, of course, was tactful and kind. because that's how that guy is. and i may be kind, but i am dramatic and tactless.

aw, fuckit, may the dramatic rule the earth already. we're more fun, maybe, than the quiet alcholics- we get drunk, we get crazy, we invent situations to get mad/excited/sad about, we love to get riled up and all that. it kinda hurts, though, that so many people think i'm in crisis mode all the time. r used to say that shit to me, and it hurt, because i thought i was just being me. d said today that i seemed to be in crisis all the time, and j used to say that. really, i think that i may be:
1) depressed
2) some sort of manic
3) add
I present these options for a specific reason. d said that i have an uncanny ability to focus completely on a project- to be singularly consumed. this is very true. this is why i'm good at certain things- production, organizing events/etc. i have extreme emotional differentials. i go up and down like a motherfucking ferris wheel, and not all that predictable, either. i am super emotional, and when i'm feeling things i usually have to be dramatic about it.

it feels kinda poopy. but if i was a more even-keeled person, i wouldnt be the dynamic person i think i am now. somehow, i believe that i am a compelling person, and i think my intensity is an essential part of that.