i've been thinking

about whether or not to really share my blog. i'm not sure it matters anyway, but i'm contemplating it.

i am sworn off dating for a little while. no more. i feel bad when i let folks down, i don't wanna break hearts because having your heart broken sucks. feeling broken sucks. and i dont wanna feel broken again anytime soon. so there.

although the other evening i saw a nice young man at a party... he and i blind dated one time, i was totally turned off because he never stopped talking. seriously. i asked about his watch- wait, no, i just complimented it- and he went on to tell me about the four prior watches, how they came into his possession, things that happened while he had them, and how he lost them. it was very hard for me to be in the conversation, it seemed like he maybe didnt know i was there anyway. so i kinda blew him off, told him i was real busy in school and all that (hmm, sounds familiar...) He came to our house party a while later, when i had just started seeing j, and he kissed me at the very end- and i really enjoyed his kiss. hes respectfully impulsive, and it was ridiculously endearing.

at this recent party (j.s. b'day, yay!) i sat next to him and we made awkward conversation, attempting to hold down a marginally interesting conversation, we were mediocre at it. i caught him looking at me alot, and that was interesting. i kept imagining him naked and breathless and sweaty during our conversation, is that dirty?

oh hell yes it is. i have been doing that alot lately. i've been feeling the need for a good rough casual fuck, and i cant help but imagine my friends/the busperson/cashier/person riding by on their bike panting and naked. hmm. panting.

i'm still not dating, though, fuck all that noise, i'm not gonna do this shit. too much fucking stress already.