gre score

1200.
not too good
not horrible.
if i take it again...
i need to review how to calculate a slope.
BOOYAH

a letter to a friend

It really is nice to hear from you- it pulls on my heartstrings, definitely- i miss you. It seems like you're having a good life, which is great to see.

Yeah, I guess I owe you an explanation. It was so hard for me when i found out that you married the man who is now your husband. For one thing, his use of derogatory terms when it comes to people of color and lgbtq folks really scared the living daylights out of me. Part of the reason- i was closeted. i'm a big queer. sure, i still love men, and i sleep with them occasionally- and i love women. and everyone in between. so when your husband (then boyfriend) said things like "faggot" all the time it scared me shitless. Beside the fact that i'm queer, i am now and always have been against the use of that language and the oppression of lgbtq folks in general. Also, you must remember that I come from a multicultural family- and at the time, your boyfriend was using language like "n***er" and "sp*c" all the time- which I am downright not ok with. at all. ever. As I got older I got even less ok with it- it has become more and more apparent to me that the link between oppressive language and physical&social violence against people of color are closely linked. Where is the line drawn? When does the namecalling of faggot or ni**er turn into an asskicking for the gay and the black person? The line is very thin indeed- and there are daily examples of its transgression, sometimes fatal examples.
I fear your husband for these reasons. He may have changed over the last 5+ years, I absolutely admit that. I have been overlooking his ability to change, and i need to get more in touch with my compassion around this issue. What hurt me more, i think, was what looked like your complicity with his oppressive language and behaviors. Your marriage to him looked like the ultimate endorsement.
Perhaps you have done something that I never could- take on a big white man and invest in his long term change and transformation around tolerance and liberation. I never gave you the chance to tell me about it- i just ran away. Which is my error, i will admit.

In the end, it doesn't matter what I think about your life, husband and marriage. What matters is that you're happy- i will always be happy if you're happy. I miss you alot, girl; sitting in the backyard drinking a beer with you sounds like the best afternoon ever.

sigh

i got letters from two professors today, wondering where i am/when i'm gonna get crackin' at something or another, i thought we were supposed to meet, are you gonna write this grant, and i am thinking to myself

shit

i gotta get it together. i thought i had it together. but i've really been amidst a semi personal crisis of testtaking and futureprobing. i haven't been reading what i want to read (hacking, stocking, davis, horn, terry), I haven't been doing what I love- i called off almost a whole week of teaching! this gre has beat me up. so fuck it. i'm gonna take it and i'm gonna move on with my life. after I clean my room, of course. :)

after the GRE tomorrow (get it out of my face already) and after my relaxing drinking dinner tomorrow nite I am gonna get up on Saturday and write some letters, read some books and move my ass to the academic beat like a methed out raver.

nothing can stress me out
i tell you- nothing
yeh, what.

shan says

that my eyes are all cracked out
i know i have hives- on my neck and back
at dinner it hit me- i don't want to do this
live this way right now
friday come sooner please
get this shit over with

check it out

i'm so tired of writing all the time i could puke. i'm ready to do something different... i am in a phase where i'm appreciating a lot of street art, and noticing the amazing things folks are trying to say in these so visible proclamations.
like, fuck pills:

the palm trees and seedy california atmposphere of this photograph make me terribly terribly homesick.

i'm constantly

wanting something that i don't have. when i'm in a relationship, i want to be free of it. when i'm not in a relationship, i want a long term lover. what is up? i don't want anything and I want everything. i love my life, i love my work, and i want someone to be happily and healthily here with me during it all. i want a drama free and consistent relationship.
regardless, i can't look for that right now. i can meet folks, hang out, etc, but it is completely pointless to start anything. i want to just enjoy my friends and my home before it is time for me to leave them. i really want, and am ready, to leave. i feel almost exhausted at times with Portland. Shan, Nic & I have lots of fun, sure- but i feel as though i am not connecting well with a whole contingent of ppl i connected well with before. it's almost like i don't care any more about the same things, subjects are repetitive- how many times am i gonna talk about gentrification? about patronizing appropriate businesses? about a/r stuff in general? s made a good observation last night, and one that i agree with. as hard as it may have been to hear it was also relieving: when is everyone gonna stop talking about it and do it?
deep sigh. good question, and i ask myself the same thing. i do my best to walk my talk, and go out of my way to have close relationships with ppl of color. That is the step that helps to change a lot of the other dynamics white antiracists talk about. i think, unfortunately, that many of my friends are not it that place in their lives right now- and many times talk replaces action. to quote thavius beck
thought determines what you want
action determines what you get
s was not very happy about the conversation she heard. and some stupid things were said, i think; stupid things were likely said by me. it is true, however, that white ppl have to talk about stupid things in order to get their heads on correct. ppl of color just shouldn't have to listen to it.


A completely different subject: Why do i care about my research?

...

I was looking at a friend's friendster page, and they're all "so political" and "so politically popular" and like hanging out with white folks and doing anti-racist work and i can't help feeling like, jealous or something, something hurts inside... y'know, i do/don't approve of the work some of these ppl do, and man, do I feel excluded or something- like, "why aren't I a political rockstar like them?" There is one pic of abovementioned friend with a young white man that I've had conflict with in another organization, and it makes me feel wierd----- that these traveling anti-racist types with a whole lotta superiority stuff and (seemingly) fake humility get something i don't. Here i sit, researching something that seems real to me, teaching a class, and I feel all sorts of strange that i'm not more involved in a community organization, that I don't get recognition.
man, fuck recognition. this is not why i do what i do. things that are important to me:
- building anti-racist conciousness with as many people as I can
- engaging in radical and anti-oppressive teaching practices at work
- researching and uncovering systems of inequality in the United States
- maintaining compassion and love for folks of all walks of life- never shutting anyone out of my heart, even for a moment.
I have to remember that I teach anti-oppression every day. Cherry and I facilitate a radical curriculum- we are creating long-term change in our immediate environment by building anti-oppression analysis with young folks. sigh. ok. i feel better.

it's amazing

how perspectives can shift based simply on personal change. I decided to believe that everything is ok- and goddamn if it isn't ok. I hope I always cultivate the tools i've learned over the last four years- my brother was right. you do get better at life. at least i've gotten better.
part of it is a real decision to rise above the suffering that i inflict on myself so regularly. not necessarily above it, i suppose; more like differentiated from it. non-integrated.
How have i decided to live my life? As a conduit for the love and energy that surrounds me. Frustration, fear, anger, hurt- these things have informed my life, and they are not separate from me, necessarily. I don't want to live my life based on what such things dictate.

my students this year are such fantastic people. My last mentor session of the day- my 12:00- is primarily male, and it is fascinating to notice the ways in which they are so used to interacting with each other. Ridicule, particularly of each other's weak or possibly- simply possibly, not necessarily- embarrassing aspects is a normal and accepted way of functioning with each other. Today, for the first time, I told them to stop laughing. Ooh, did they shut up quicklike!

ok, i get it.

i think that i'm being blown off by a guy i've been crushing on, a lovely boy i brought home friday night. i'm not sure this has really ever happened before.

great feeling, this. mmm. stupid to do potentially hurtful things 2 weeks before a big standardized test, during the grad application process.

well, i guess i can have a good memory, right?

in better news, thanner will be in town on thursday. (sigh of relief.) even with all the shit i have to do, it will be so pleasant to see him. it's always comforting to be around the people who love you unconditionally. on a similar note, david called me from ecuador! man, do i miss the crap outta him. and, brian wrote me today. i love my boys.

my meeting with my mentor today was soothing as well. i didn't want to leave his office, it felt so good to talk and argue with him- he's so, funny, he's a strange man in some ways, and he gets overwhelmed by me, i think. while i was being all big and excited about the awards ceremony he motioned at me to calm down. It was really, very funny, seeing him getting flustered. i totally love him, partly because it seems like he respects me and thinks my research is worthwhile. The other part is wrapped up in my fascination with him- his attitudes, his academic p.o.v., his flustered demeanor, his disheveled professsor look. it's true, i kinda have a crush on him, but it's a harmless little thing. One of my friends has had a few close calls with a professor recently, and i must admit i totally envy her. how sexy is that, an illicit tryst with a man who is your superior and so strictly off limits? Brains are an amazing turn-on for dorks like my friend and I. (she thinks my mentor is hot too, btw. sigh. stupid endless and fruitless fantasies.) I told him that i was strictly gay, i didn't want him to be nervous around me- he is, of course, of much more use to me as an academic mentor than anything else.

If you read books and can talk theory, any gender, you're on. Let's have a martini. If you were raised male or identify as male, please have a great anti-sexist analysis. it really is very hot.

um

i feel kinda wierd today. a boy spent the nite last nite, a nice boy, and i feel a little possessive all of the sudden- me. possessive. i guess that can be normal, in some situations. last nite he was the cutest darn thing ever, all romantic and kissy, cuddly and etc, it really felt like he stayed in the room with me, he didn't mentally or emotionally exit. unusual. really. he kept pausing and opening the drapes, looking outside with the moonlight on his face and it was so darned touching
really
he said nice things
and comforted me
and i feel a little smitten
its true
and i'm feeling a little scared too. i want to call, but i don't want to look desperate or anything... i want to just say hi, no, really i want to invite him over and cuddle some more. but i'm having dindin with tia, and i really want to see her/hang out with her, so... yeh.

this is creepy.

i feel singularly overwhelmed at the thought of not getting into the best school, about maybe compromising somehow. i am so choked up i can hardly talk to folks. i need some attention. i'm questioning my whole plan, the plan i've had in my back pocket for so long, jeez i just wanna live i wanna move i wanna just be and fuckitall i wanna be in school and doing research it all just seems so hard so competitive i don't wanna fail i don't wanna fall so do i just not do it because i may not succeed like i want to
i don't know
i don't know

i'm having

a crisis of age. i'm sad i'm not younger, thinner, more able at some fucking thing. mostly biking. i'm not the best biker, i'd love to be better. i wanna be that pretty little thing again, the one getting all that attention. the person i used to be. sure, i still get attention. but i remember a time when i could count on it all the time. it fed something inside of me, something silly and small but damn.

it seems as though i better get thinner/prettier/fitter now, before i get any older, if I want to enjoy this time... and enjoy my body... hmmph...

maybe i should just do my (star) assignment.

this is sucky

sometimes i make shitty decisions. so rite now i sit here, trying to read for class, thinking that my living situation MAY NOT fall apart for any reason. please god, let me do this well. i've dealt with so many hard situations- scary, overwhelming, confusing situations. i can, and will, overcome my fear about this. What i really want: to get out of my own way, to not take anyone else's fear on, to not take anyone else's shit on period, and to think really damn clearly about this. i must be able to live my life here without tension right now. if anyone can handle this well, i can, i am the most amazing at this. really. i am rad with people. tension does not need to exist in any way, stress does not need to be here, they are not predetermined and unavoidable reactions, they are based on fear and fear is the mind-killer. (hee hee, book dork reference.)

today i saw you

and my heart broke

baby

i kinda hope you read this thing. i don't really feel like i can talk to you right now- not that you wouldn't hear, but I don't think i could speak. i feel like my tongue has been ripped from my mouth, i cant say anything when i see your face at the end of the phone, i can feel your lips through the microoptic length between us and i get breathless, formless, i melt inarticulate. i think about your body and your breath, the in out of your chest smooth against your milky skin
i am breathless formless inarticulated against the force and beauty of you. against the knowledge i confront that keeps us alone in our separate worlds on the other end of the phone distinct and distant
i am sorry i can't think or do anything else right now i can only think of me and i cannot help but be that selfish thing this moment is a crucial ladder rung
to get me up and out
i am already though i know no need to say it

fuck

i didn't break up with her because i don't want to be with her.
or: i broke up with her for reasons other than not wanting to be with her.
or: i want to be with this amazing woman that i just broke up with.

you might be asking, so why did you break up, then?
- because i really can't commit over this year. at all. i realized that i really don't want to. i have a dream that i'm chasing down, really it's not just a dream, it is a damn good reality and i don't want to have a partner of any sort when i move outta this lovely little town. i want to go and live on 500 a month and worry just about my own well being, not the well being of anyone else.
- I don't want to process all the time about the possibility/likelyhood of breaking up in a year.
- I don't want to be pushed away all the time because i'm going away. that night, as she lay next to me stock still and unresponsive i felt sad and alone, ice, far away. She said that there are parts that she's not showing me; places that she will not go. that statement made me want to die. die. die. die. die. die. die. die. I HATE being held at arm's length.
- she is sad. if i'm dictating these terms, how can she be happy? if they are not terms she likes, how can she be happy? if it's all about me getting what i need and not about her, how can she be happy? if she wants a long term relationship, and i can't do that, how can she be happy?
- the prospect of building resentment between us scares the crap outta me.

god i miss her already. thanner says that we can still be in each other's lives, that it will all be ok, that i can still.... oh fuck it. i'm not happy.

she's beautiful, isn't she?

i am freaking out

i think i did the right thing.
when does one know?

the missing has started already
i somehow can't imagine my life without you
when before i thought maybe it would be
better that way
for both of us

two people:
loving each other
on different paths
or not so different after all
we're all human, right? struggling together to more deeply understand ourselves and our places. she asked me tonite: where did i go? all the things i have told her i'm running away from. toward something, some ultimate freedom i am so afraid of losing

i can't stop thinking about movies with you, about driving in the car with you, moments shared eyes locked one place where we both can live for right now, that pretty and comfortable and pleasing place, where vulnerability and self are revealed majestically

i told her to not care about the future. but now all of the sudden i care so much about the turnout. i celebrate and look forward to my solitary adventure in a year, and i don't want to compromise that vision- i don't want that vision to change. and she wants something i don't want. i want something she doesn't want. will it come up again, and again and again, over and over and bitterness and resentment building, a year in the making...

i told laura today that i want to be single. really, i just don't want to have to process the possibility of breaking up all the time.

goddamn

what if... everything i'm doing is for nothing? What if dr. beyler is simply humoring me- what if i really don't have the talent, i've been fooling myself and convincing my self that i'm a damn big fish, a big smart fish, but i'm living in a basketball sized pond. when i'm transferred to the lake i'm dead meat. eaten immediately. more fit to chug it out in my little fish bowl, than to get transferred... out into the open water...
should i ask him? i wonder what he'd say.

ok, mom?

don't read the rest of the blog. Please. don't read any more. ok? love you.

this sinking

feeling sucks. there are things I know; and there are things that i regret, there are things that i would rather not be true. Baggage I would rather not exist. Memories that I wish would go away. There are people that haunt my conciousness, people that no longer occupy the sameness that they were for me; and yet I condemn them to their pasts, as I do myself at times. Particularly as I lay in my bed, my secondary sheets rub slight holes in my skin, as my memories do on my brain, too rough for my delicate awareness, now. Why the stabs of guilt and memory? The pangs of past that hit me when i need to sleep, when i need to write? Are you remembering me as well? For all the forgetting I have attempted, the nonchalance I affected when casting you off or trying to forget you, the bile in my belly rises and attacks me when your visage presents itself in my brain. I am sorry. I do miss you, many of you- and I think of you, too often right now for my own good.

this happens every time. love reminds me of past love, desire of past transgressions. I am becoming jaded as I attempt to never repeat my past mistakes.

i wrote this a long time ago, not sure exactly how long:

as much as i ever loved you that fullness still lives in my heart cold & hot all at the same time & when i take a moment to look i see your pretty face looking back because you are caught too
I have no idea for how long though
our circles will not coincide
forever