i can't handle

myself sometimes. i got hit in the eye. i don't want to talk to anyone. i want to lay in my bed and be nothing and nobody and pretend that nothing happened that was STUPID last night, like me processing way too much and sending stupid texts and being a fucking asshole.

I DRINK LIKE AN ASSHOLE

CANT HANDLE IT ANYMORE

hello

me. i've been all over, emotionally. lately. yeah. hi, everyone, i'm getting better. i'm coming back, and i never expected to be taken so, so far away...

hello, me.

my daddy always said

that we have the control over the way we feel about things and events in our lives; I have been feeling particularly out of control lately, and not in a positive way.

I am making the decision today to be happy about my job, to be content with my singularity and happy for the people I care about in my life. I want to interact with every person with acceptance, dignity and care. I believe in myself, and today will be an example of this.

and though i continue to notice your absence i am relieved to have decided that this thing is in your hands, as i will pursue my own liberation

plenty capable hands they are

my god

where am i going and what am i doing

you haunt me and i want it to stop i let tonight go and i am both dying and thanking myself

is this what life is? i feel like i am going to go numb, lose all feeling soon, and my body and mind are struggling to maintain sensation, so i am just stuck in feelings and hurt and anxiety and passion and excitement and selfloathing and

all of it

where can i go for help? It feels like i am lost and loose and i have not felt so untethered in years. Portland was my cradle, I was bundled there, and here...

Do i need help? or is everything fine? am i looking for that frantic pace that I felt in college and simply adjusting? is the absence of you- and you- and you- and you- finally beginning to take its toll?

two faces haunt me. neither passed, simply gone from my life in any substantial fashion. both leave deep wounds, one less expected than the other.

i thought that three months would be enough. Where I am now, however, if at all an indicator for almost 1/3 of the way there, I am nowhere near bandaged enough to stop bleeding all over the people around me. I don't even feel presentable at a bar, in a restaurant, i feel young and stupid and too sincere for my own damn good

you know what is

totally strange?

that i love spending time with you. that when i'm with you, i am content. a little discontent, because i want so much of you. the amount of you that i became accustomed to in that short period of time. the total of you that pulled me irresistably toward you, regardless of my intentions.

and now it is difficult to settle for any less. all i want is you. i want more than you can give. i want to give you more than i should


blend shift move change into two one

but damn

i am fucking scared that you
- are lying to me
- don't really care about me
- really, that you are lying to me.

please don't be doing those things. please. just fucking tell me. the problem here is, i suppose, that i really don't know you. i have no idea what you might do. ugh.

but damn

you really seem like an upstanding person. this is a challenge, because usually i trust people-- and you make me damn nervous and i want to fucking trust you. damn fucking nervous

i would

paint your portrait over everything mundane

you are settling in like sand on a river bottom
so accustomed to travel i am that your presence seems alien
i expect your apprehension
your doubt and fear and the running
not security and care
and honesty

where did you come from?
escaping from the woodwork the wallpaper of my life
you exclaim that you are here

blowing a ragged hole in my carefully tended facade

the ups and downs of

this are extreme. but i guess i asked for it.

sigh.

i used to

think that feelings like this needed to go away, leave, never to be felt again.

i realized today that this fear is meant to reveal something to me. i have been running from fear in relationships because i am deeply afraid of being vulnerable. so now i get to feel my fear, and get all sorts of triggered about prior feelings like this in other relationships, and work on all of it. what an opportunity, right? i'm actually feeling good about it.

yay for me. never could have figured that one out on my own. sigh.

WALK THE PLANK

i mean, i enjoy dating and all, but I only enjoy it under certain conditions. i.e., when I am in control; when i feel more relaxed; when i can get lots and lots of support; when it is goddamned convenient. I hate/love dating. All in one breath and moment.

jeanette winterson, _written on the body_: FALL IN LOVE is like WALK THE PLANK. i want to avoid this feeling at all costs. i am deathly afraid of the pain, the rejection, the consequences, for all of my rhetoric about hurt being an unavoidable and necessary part of life. My brain believes my rhetoric, don't get me wrong, but my body still wants to run far far away, too far to be touched or affected

afflicted

what i am saying, folks, is that i am scared shitless right now.

fuck

sometimes i truly hate myself. i set myself up for these falls and i hate it that i regress into patterns I truly dislike and feelings I avoid and man...

i can't help but think. and the thinking is difficult. there is no sign or reason-- only thought.

relax into myself. do what you love. live your strong life. do not run from hurt.

ok now

whoa. i'm not sure I anticipated the feelings that I am experiencing.



i really did, i loved him as well as I could. and i miss him more than words can express right now. for my graduation at the beach j showed himself in a way he hadn't before and i was blessed with his honest smile radiating from his eyes through his skin like he really meant it and we joked about our engagement photos

one like this we were to use on the announcement

and we talked ridiculousness: where our girls would go to school, what instruments they might play, if we should go to Guam to raise them, how i might fare there, what I would have to prepare for, how we would keep getting support for our emotional selves there... so much more. how he would start teaching if i got pregnant then and i contemplated trying so that we could just settle in to being together and start a life and maybe he would step up if i carried his child

in my dream there were two girls; one with lighter hair, the taller one, and one with darker standing and waving to j and i as we walked away they stood in front of palm trees hair blowing in the wind

i assumed they were ours and i miss the idea of them too

i absolutely

tried to write the other day and my post was somehow lost in the ether of the internet

i am feeling lost as well, so perhaps it is appropriate that my forlorn prose lose its footing. regardless. my life is not so bad. i have a home, some money, people around me who seem to value aspects of me. yet i feel unrooted, my stays have come loose, i think of my previous home and simple things like lighting and snow and loud housemates downstairs and meditating and loving and feeling safe and cared for and never alone, and if alone marginally temporarily so

and now i seem to be both seeking it and running from it. here i am. people come towards me, want things from me again, yet it is not close and fulfilling, it is empty and false as i am less clear

i feel humiliated, scared, tokenised, fetishized, animated smiling accomodating flesh to stay another person's fear fill needs left unmet through no concious fault of their own

i want t, l, r, s, n, even k, d.m., my mom. i want my community. i want cherry. i want safety, sobriety, i want my jonny, i miss his hands and face and our fights and making up and loving each other and dreaming of family and the islands and our little girls

something seems to have wilted inside a bit

it is time

for bed, yet here i am.

i am so concerned that I will disappoint myself in the task ahead. feeling a little down about it, i suppose- right now, it seems that everything is so vibrant and alive around me. Spring rises from the ground and blooms in the air, the sunshine turning whiter in the sky and through my windows streaming, illuminating things i hadn't really seen since summer turned its back

the arms of a new lover wrapping vinelike around my body, holding me together, my lungs screaming for boundaries right now

i've been breathing all too hard, looking for oxygen that's been here all the while i've been turning blue

i am willing

to give, and allow for others to do exactly what they need to do, and not take it personally. i get a little afraid that I won't get anything I need in return, that I will somehow continue unacknowledged, but in the end- whose endorsement am I looking for? the other woman's? When really i just need the my girl to see me, not anyone else she's dating.

how much

of anything we do is natural? is part of who we are as human beings? Are we meant to sit around and do nothing, on our asses? is laziness a part of our makeup? For that matter, is industry? Is tireless work part of our human nature?

i think i might be feeling depressed. or something. i haven't been getting very many sessions, and i am relatively uninterested in hanging out with my friends. Or maybe its that I can't right now.

never again

will i ever own a television. ever. ever again. i fucking hate that life sucking thing and i hate my addiction to it. days like this when i feel so fucking broke down i just cant say no and goddamn i hate it.

it has been a while

and so much has been happening, it is almost driving me crazy... but of course it is a deep feeling of fear that has brought me back to my oh so lovely blog. I always write when i'm feeling afraid or overwhelmed, it seems.

And it is my internalized sexism/patriarchy again that has me reeling. I am dating a wonderful woman who I am totally into, and I went on a date with a friend of mine (a dude.) It was fine, but it doesn't seem like he wants to hang out like that again- and for some reason, I have that deep feeling of fear. That rejection feeling.

This time, however, I would like to savor it instead of hating it. I want to really notice it and give it some time instead of worry about it and feel like shit. Rejection is not such a big deal, at all; it seems to happen almost everyday in many of our lives. Sometimes people just have to say no, based on their own needs and trajectories.

It feels particularly awful, however, to be rejected by a man; something about my survival stuff comes in strong. Really, I have no need to be wanted by S. I don't really have a lot of time to give him. My time is taken up a lot with mer and my friends/family and school... so I should have backed off anyway.

See? Chastizing myself without any reason. Sigh. Time to end the cycle of bullshit, eh? I am completely powerful AND hot no matter what.

yeah.

this is the feeling

that i despise. that worry that i will be cast off, abandoned. I hate liking someone, i really do, it makes me crazy and i don't want to be left

and i don't want to call her. i have this habit of calling when i feel this crazy, and i have to remember what i really want and what's going on; even if she does decide that this is not for her I am ok, and my trajectory continues on its inorexable path. and we will be friends.

if i hate this feeling, why am i feeling it? i am gonna let this one go. right now.

off to the showers.

sometimes i don't know

the answer to that question. am i gay? if the definition of gay is: preference of sexual relationships/love relationships with folks of the same sex, then I am gay. I am gay and I have male lovers, but i prefer the attentions and day-in-day-out of women. I love making love to women, and i adore that period after sex, even with a casual lover, where you connect and cuddle and care for each other. love it. i hate disconnected, fuck-you-like-a-hole-in-the-mattress sort of sex, and how they collapse afterwards while you wonder when the fuck you're gonna get yours.

I don't want to be jaded, but i'm sorry boys, the general rule is that you fuck me as if i'm not there. Sometimes there are exceptions, but even my best boys have done/do that. The general rule with women is that they stay in the room and are excited to have you there too.

I want to be making love to someone, i'm tired of disconnected fucking, even with casual lovers.

for now.