it's been a little while

and i get the feeling that it doesn't matter. i don't get any feedback from you voyeurs anyway.

today has been a hard day. after getting the house approved for t and i, after running after housemates & setting it all up & getting the money together i'm burnt on it. i can't wait to move but i want it to happen while i look the other way- i want people to pick it all up around me and move my life, make it better and whole again because in confidence i must tell you i don't know just how whole i can be for you all anymore. i am broken in the middle and all i can think is that if i build my physical strength- my muscle, my body, my stamina- that maybe i'll be able to hold myself together, that maybe i can still hold some semblance of myself in order for those around me.

and it's days like this, where i do not move like i want to where i have messed myself up too much to be the STRONG looking person i want to be, days like this where i lay in bed in pain of one kind or another and shuffle about the house in my blue terry bathrobe that i feel that broken part of me, cutting me up inside my belly the belly i must make strong and fit to withstand this internal assault

but its these days that make me wonder if i can even do the minimum to stay ok

and i think about those i have loved and wonder who next will run their fingers through my hair and tell me that i am loved by them that i am so much that i am needed that i am beautiful and who next will walk with me down the street and hold my hand and look at me that way and think of me well and when i am not around wonder what i am doing and if i am happy

i want to be happy again, and sometimes i kind of think that i am i mean i know that i'm not happy but i feel strong and different and Audrey somehow, even though the loss still rings inside me like a dull bell a bell i never wanted to hear but tolls the return of my life

i will pack my things i will go and i will stand tall as i leave behind so much i have known

including you
yes you