i stayed home today

and cleaned, and hummed, and was happy and me and together somehow inside all day. hank called, and i have to admit to myself that part of me is still so in love with him, i get so happy to hear his voice and when i think about his stubbly cheek rubbing on my smooth one something aches in my belly, back toward my spine. he called and sounded wistful and the minute i began to he got all hard- that's what's been happening, as soon as i show some inkling of regret he hardens up- but if i'm hard and tough he's soft and touchy and all "so how are you" "i miss you" "oh i love you so much" "what can i do to end sexism" oh god if i'm not fucking exhausted of that conversation. he's getting better, but it seems such slow going- i'm banging my head against a cinderblock wall and i'm bleeding you can see my brain through my scalp and skull and finally the blocks begin to crumble and dust but will i survive to see the end of all this

it's true, he was right, i do feel hopeless, i am convinced that i will never be able to interact with men in the same way, and i won't. it's true. i will never be that woman again, and i feel as though i need to grieve. i've lost so many people- so many bio males who decided that i was too hard to be around. i remember trying to lighten the blows with lots of encouragement and compliments but they hate me nonetheless. not all of them, but somehow i believe that as soon as they get a load of THIS they will run run run, fast and far and maybe send me a friendster from their new home in Jersey.

but in the end j is right again. i give thanks for my diverse community- and white men are a part of that. i love hank, it's true, and i believe in his change. it's been hard, but i've been through harder and much more hopeless situations. mmm, maybe a meth addiction? maybe poverty? yeh yeh, i have a roof over my head and a strong network of friends and i have fabulous skills that i can get money for and i complain about dude's behavior.

oh, yeh- I now decide to no longer attack men, but to attack their role. what does that mean for me? lots of great things, i think. i need to find a more sustainable way to negotiate male defensive stuff- and perhaps that can be through identifying them separate from their role and then going at the role. now, how exactly to do that...