my mother

flies into town today. she is planning on moving here- i think, which is like a breathtaking blow to the chest as well as an exciting thing. When i was small my mother and I had a great relationship- she was always there, even if sometimes she was nearly *terminally* depressed, she would lock herself in her room all day with the blinds drawn, crying, and my little brother and i would microwave corn from the freezer so that we could all eat. i think my earliest memory of that was when i was five, and my brother was three.

nonetheless, she tried. she had me too young. mama never had a life- first it was taken from her by her incestuous, physically abusive veteran alcoholic father, then by my coke addicted, physically abusive draft dodger alcoholic father. men running, and somehow finding safety in my mother- where she was never safe. i'm so sorry, mama. she had me when she was 22. i'm 24 now, and i can't imagine living her life- married, two kids with a man more than ten years older than herself. a suprise pregnancy (me) that jerked her right out of college, where she had a 4.0. my mama is a smart woman. patriarchy was stacked against her.

i have it a little easier, i think, though conciousness of our oppressive society is perhaps a heavier weight. i don't know. it's hard to watch myself play things out, over and over, almost like i hover above my body doing these unhealthy, self-oppressive things and tsk tsk tsk. I am unhappy that hank and i didnt find a better way to deal with our relationship, and i have to say that I'm almost sorry we didn't break up earlier. i would have liked to be more emotionally healed before otis and i started doing whatever we were doing- we fell for each other quickly, and i transferred all my "shit" from hank to otis, almost purposefully. and therefore destroyed something, that perhaps, would have been really fucking cool. we just get along so well, and have so many corresponding interests and analysis- i feel like i went down the "psycho woman" path, but i know that that thinking i am also just playing out some shitty self-oppression. i'm not crazy- i just come from some fucked up shit.

what do i want? space. i want me back, i want myself to be fully in my power and prepared to function independently and powerfully in every area of my life. i want to distance myself from folks that can't hear me. no more silencing.