today i feel

better. i pounded out the work i had to do at work, i pounded at the stairmaster at the gym, i pounded out a curriculum on direct action with L. we're awfully good at developing curriculi. i pounded that uselessness right out of me- no more, hit it with a hammer, it shatters, i feel powerful until it comes shattered back to my belly. no, work out, work hard, think about the future. no no no.

nonetheless. no mopey hanging about the house for me. maybe next week.

there is a friend i have who i think is back on a wagon i left a few years back, and it scares me a little. i hate that wagon (loveit) and have been running from it (watchingitpullaway) for so long.... it's so hard for me to handle this person's indulgence when i never let myself go there, if i even got close i would hit myself with much larger and pointy hammers than those that i use against my hopelessness. i will increase my distance from this situation. i have saved myself and thats all i can fucking do, damnit.