fuck

all of it. today i feel fat and ugly and lazy and i got an email back from jw that essentially said "you're second on my list to house in ny" and damned if i didnt feel put off and fucked up and there was some sort of wierd assumption that i wanted to sleep in his bed when all i wanted was hospitality... this is the second blow off i've gotten in nyc and i feel resourceless and unhappy about it... i'm just out of cycle with that city right now.

i have some strange pipe dream that in n.c. there will be a person that will make me feel loved and ok even though he has traditionally not done such a thing, in fact has a bruised and battered track record with me, but somehow i still idolize and love him and expect that every time i see him he will be open and loving and ready. sometimes he is not but there is a comforting sense of belonging when i am with him and mimi, a sense that i am now with my people and i don't have to try anymore that i can just be.

hmm. time to work now. enough of my selfsorrow bullshit.