all of it. today i feel fat and ugly and lazy and i got an email back from jw that essentially said "you're second on my list to house in ny" and damned if i didnt feel put off and fucked up and there was some sort of wierd assumption that i wanted to sleep in his bed when all i wanted was hospitality... this is the second blow off i've gotten in nyc and i feel resourceless and unhappy about it... i'm just out of cycle with that city right now.
i have some strange pipe dream that in n.c. there will be a person that will make me feel loved and ok even though he has traditionally not done such a thing, in fact has a bruised and battered track record with me, but somehow i still idolize and love him and expect that every time i see him he will be open and loving and ready. sometimes he is not but there is a comforting sense of belonging when i am with him and mimi, a sense that i am now with my people and i don't have to try anymore that i can just be.
hmm. time to work now. enough of my selfsorrow bullshit.
ectomorphing endomorphs burn paper for warmth in asylum beds while wondering where their mothers are no one to help you now the white walls scream not like there ever was
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