I? This year has changed me, turned me almost unrecognizable. Looking into the mirror I find a woman deeply cut, and a woman confronted with change, a woman, finally. No longer a girl, foolishly believing in her righteousness, investing in false senses of good through pleasure and instant gratification.
Practically speaking, I'm not an alcoholic anymore. I'm not the sex addict I was. I'm not looking for that feeling anylonger, partially because my search for it humiliated me in the end.
To be honest, in this new strange phase of commitment, I still miss the one who got all caught up in himself. And the one that pretended that what we had was insignificant. And the freedom to find possibility in any person I came across. I still have that feedom, yes, in some senses, but no longer in the one big romantic way.
Who am I? I remember the brash woman I was when I left Portland. I was a woman on a quest for big things. Looking to fulfill big aspirations. Instead, I found reality in its most gritty and humbling form. Economic, relationship, personal- I've been hit every damn way you could imagine. I hit myself, and I got hit by others.
Along the way, somehow, I managed to find some truth. I found out what love really is. I heard the worst a woman can hear and survived it.
I am here, still. I am more aware than I ever have been before. I am. I suppose for right now that has to be enough.
ectomorphing endomorphs burn paper for warmth in asylum beds while wondering where their mothers are no one to help you now the white walls scream not like there ever was
11.23.2007
10.11.2007
i just realized
that i am not as nice a person as i want to be. and that I have alienated ppl with my distress.
and mostly, that i want that to change. and that j sees me for the person that i really am-- past the insecurity and elitism.
and mostly, that i want that to change. and that j sees me for the person that i really am-- past the insecurity and elitism.
8.29.2007
i feel so
damn irritated with the political people in my life. everyone besides my housemates.
you: STOP BEING SO FUCKING HOLIER THAN THOU. Who the hell gave you the right to shove your righteous fucking self in everyone's face? i'm so fucking unhappy that you are the only political and queer person i have been connected to here. i thought you would do what it took to introduce me to the political scene, but no, you only seem fucking committed to parading your damn politics. over and over again you are condescending and irritating. i wanted to be close to you, but you hold me at arm's length-- and I realize now that most of your friends also do that. I am fucking done. i don't care if you never call me again. i don't care if i never see you again.
you: i feel less vehemently angry at you. you have tried to be helpful and you are never condescending. I just wish you were less successful. That way I wouldn't feel like such a damn failure. Then again, you have been here for five years, and put in the requisite time. argh
you: STOP BEING SO FUCKING HOLIER THAN THOU. Who the hell gave you the right to shove your righteous fucking self in everyone's face? i'm so fucking unhappy that you are the only political and queer person i have been connected to here. i thought you would do what it took to introduce me to the political scene, but no, you only seem fucking committed to parading your damn politics. over and over again you are condescending and irritating. i wanted to be close to you, but you hold me at arm's length-- and I realize now that most of your friends also do that. I am fucking done. i don't care if you never call me again. i don't care if i never see you again.
you: i feel less vehemently angry at you. you have tried to be helpful and you are never condescending. I just wish you were less successful. That way I wouldn't feel like such a damn failure. Then again, you have been here for five years, and put in the requisite time. argh
8.13.2007
and then
he said,
"can i be completely honest?" my stomach jumped, preparing.
"yeah." i responded. "of course."
"i was going to ask you something selfish," he said slowly, the memory of prior harsh words from me likely causing him to weigh his more carefully. i used to be very critical of him. "I was going to ask you to wait for me."
i felt confused. wait for what? while the last weekend without him had been unexpectedly difficult, but he wasn't going anywhere, was he? i became suddenly worried at the possibility. "what do you mean?" i asked.
"i wanted to be selfish. i want you to wait... i want to be the next one."
it hit me what he meant. i was startlingly pleased, and I wanted-- for my own hedonistic pleasure-- for him to spell it out, say it all. "the next one?" i played dumb.
his voice was thick, low timbered with his request. "i want to be the next person you have sex with."
ah. that's what i wanted. i melted. or to be more precise, a certain lovely part of me melted-- both conceptual and physical lovely parts. "of course," i responded. "of course. there's no one else for me right now. you will be the next."
"can i be completely honest?" my stomach jumped, preparing.
"yeah." i responded. "of course."
"i was going to ask you something selfish," he said slowly, the memory of prior harsh words from me likely causing him to weigh his more carefully. i used to be very critical of him. "I was going to ask you to wait for me."
i felt confused. wait for what? while the last weekend without him had been unexpectedly difficult, but he wasn't going anywhere, was he? i became suddenly worried at the possibility. "what do you mean?" i asked.
"i wanted to be selfish. i want you to wait... i want to be the next one."
it hit me what he meant. i was startlingly pleased, and I wanted-- for my own hedonistic pleasure-- for him to spell it out, say it all. "the next one?" i played dumb.
his voice was thick, low timbered with his request. "i want to be the next person you have sex with."
ah. that's what i wanted. i melted. or to be more precise, a certain lovely part of me melted-- both conceptual and physical lovely parts. "of course," i responded. "of course. there's no one else for me right now. you will be the next."
8.06.2007
and now
after the telling and the acknowledging i am dreaming of you but not of you--
in my heaven there is a place like that we kept together for that short period of time
and you are there but it is not the you that broke me so completely
it is the you that fit inside me forcefully frightfully
wonderfully
in my heaven there is a place like that we kept together for that short period of time
and you are there but it is not the you that broke me so completely
it is the you that fit inside me forcefully frightfully
wonderfully
an open letter
to you. not so open in the end, considering that it is directed at those people in my life committed to distance and trepidation in their relationships with me... and finally to you, who is not confused at all, and who hates the distance between us.
first, I suppose, is you; you whom i loved from the beginning, whom i adored like a shining brother, with the exception that i wished to kiss you and hold you close and keep you warm in bed beside me forever. your melancholy impressed me with its depth and conviction, the artistry that flowed from it so thoughtlessly I envied. i was never so genuinely creative, and have not grown into such a person, either. i deeply craved my nights with you, after long train rides to meet your chaste embraces at beachside stations, and afternoons laughing with friends in the ardor and mania of adolescence.
those nights in your bed, our bodies matched in the blankets of flannel and desire, were what i waited for, what i imagined when I lay alone. your hands the soft parts of me, heat from you radiating, penetrating me, my love for you allowing this unspoken violation, hopinghopinghoping that in the morning your attention towards me would have changed, that our public embraces at beachside stations would become less chaste in the context of a shared love...
but years passed and your gaze never shifted. more beautiful women warranted your attentions, my friends in fact, but you never saw me as you saw them. in our young adulthood you found shame in the way you treated me and apologized, yet my adoring attention still allowed you to exploit my desire for your love. you were the beginning of all this, the start of my obsession with the unrequited.
much later you came along. strong jawed and cynical, your figure solid against the wood of the bar, your smile easy and winning; you stood strong at the center of your community, amongst others transcending categories so easily applied. you were powerful, in both personal and actual ways; established, political, respected.
one evening on the wharf with our mutual friends we sat around a table, impressing each other carefully with language and analysis and eye contact, i felt you keenly next to me, watching me. we spoke of our families, shared characteristics between us; politics and friends, and sometimes of sports (which i spurned for its violence yet you loved for its competition). we left the restaurant and you grabbed me, kissed me, held me close to your chest tight with its bindings, your hands firmly on my back is a feeling i will never forget. i ran, you chased me, we insisted on each other.
after two weeks i had ended all other dating endeavors and fallen deep into the well of you. we spent hours and hours in my bedroom on the hill, our harsh and fervent fucking making paper of the rest of the world, easily crumpled and thrown into the corner. i was warm and safe in your embrace, and there i forgot about time, i forgot about my friends, i forgot about work and writing and activism, all i knew was you. i fell in love with you in a way i had never loved before. you, however, did not love me; or perhaps you were not willing to love me.
when you left me it was as if my clothes were taken and burnt, i was left naked and shocked in the scathing truth of your absence. it was not real, it felt as if there was no way it was true, that it was impossible for reality to shift so radically, so decidedly, so quickly. your power and presence in the community made me avoid it, i shunned myself in order to avoid you and the pain the sight of you would bring. I studied the marks you left and quietly decided to never love a woman in the same way again.
now, we come to you. it seemed casual to me, at first, your interest in me both odd and obvious in its strategy, your intoxicated escapades of rhetoric compelling, boring and predicable all at once. it was as if you were both trying to impress me and ignore me in the same interaction, and in this it was as if i had returned to a high school context-- where the boys try to pretend that they have no feelings, and that their affections don't exist, and instead go to extended lengths to disguise their attraction with disinterest, if not outright disdain. funny that your mantra, in the beginning, was "we're all adults here." it contradicted the other statement, which was "i don't want anyone to know," which thrust us-- me, unwilling-- back into that place of adolescent dramatics.
for all that awkward fits-and-starts of ours, however, i began to have feelings for you i didn't expect. in those afternoons on top of covers in both of our rooms, quietly endorsing each other with wrapped arms and covert kisses, marked with extended forays into discussions both deeply personal and deeply political both at once and distinct, amidst statements both careful and rash about our possible future together, our connection became clear to me, at least. you pulled back, after a time, afraid and preoccupied, and still i am compelled toward you and confused by your confusion. i know you want me-- you say it, occasionally, for me to hear and remember, perhaps to make sure i still care, they are easy comments requiring no real commitment on your part-- and that you do not know how to move toward me. in that i cannot remove you from my thoughts, and you plague me. i know you think about me, contemplate our connection, and it infuriates me that you cannot acknowledge it.
here and now there is yet another person, this one carrying a theme of my life with him as he steps through my existence with intention and objective: me, my love and his intertwined, our lives together. he is striving to be my love for the rest of our lives, and presents himself completely; there is no hiding, no trepidation, the complete person, obfuscated only by his own pain and history-- like the rest of us.
first, I suppose, is you; you whom i loved from the beginning, whom i adored like a shining brother, with the exception that i wished to kiss you and hold you close and keep you warm in bed beside me forever. your melancholy impressed me with its depth and conviction, the artistry that flowed from it so thoughtlessly I envied. i was never so genuinely creative, and have not grown into such a person, either. i deeply craved my nights with you, after long train rides to meet your chaste embraces at beachside stations, and afternoons laughing with friends in the ardor and mania of adolescence.
those nights in your bed, our bodies matched in the blankets of flannel and desire, were what i waited for, what i imagined when I lay alone. your hands the soft parts of me, heat from you radiating, penetrating me, my love for you allowing this unspoken violation, hopinghopinghoping that in the morning your attention towards me would have changed, that our public embraces at beachside stations would become less chaste in the context of a shared love...
but years passed and your gaze never shifted. more beautiful women warranted your attentions, my friends in fact, but you never saw me as you saw them. in our young adulthood you found shame in the way you treated me and apologized, yet my adoring attention still allowed you to exploit my desire for your love. you were the beginning of all this, the start of my obsession with the unrequited.
much later you came along. strong jawed and cynical, your figure solid against the wood of the bar, your smile easy and winning; you stood strong at the center of your community, amongst others transcending categories so easily applied. you were powerful, in both personal and actual ways; established, political, respected.
one evening on the wharf with our mutual friends we sat around a table, impressing each other carefully with language and analysis and eye contact, i felt you keenly next to me, watching me. we spoke of our families, shared characteristics between us; politics and friends, and sometimes of sports (which i spurned for its violence yet you loved for its competition). we left the restaurant and you grabbed me, kissed me, held me close to your chest tight with its bindings, your hands firmly on my back is a feeling i will never forget. i ran, you chased me, we insisted on each other.
after two weeks i had ended all other dating endeavors and fallen deep into the well of you. we spent hours and hours in my bedroom on the hill, our harsh and fervent fucking making paper of the rest of the world, easily crumpled and thrown into the corner. i was warm and safe in your embrace, and there i forgot about time, i forgot about my friends, i forgot about work and writing and activism, all i knew was you. i fell in love with you in a way i had never loved before. you, however, did not love me; or perhaps you were not willing to love me.
when you left me it was as if my clothes were taken and burnt, i was left naked and shocked in the scathing truth of your absence. it was not real, it felt as if there was no way it was true, that it was impossible for reality to shift so radically, so decidedly, so quickly. your power and presence in the community made me avoid it, i shunned myself in order to avoid you and the pain the sight of you would bring. I studied the marks you left and quietly decided to never love a woman in the same way again.
now, we come to you. it seemed casual to me, at first, your interest in me both odd and obvious in its strategy, your intoxicated escapades of rhetoric compelling, boring and predicable all at once. it was as if you were both trying to impress me and ignore me in the same interaction, and in this it was as if i had returned to a high school context-- where the boys try to pretend that they have no feelings, and that their affections don't exist, and instead go to extended lengths to disguise their attraction with disinterest, if not outright disdain. funny that your mantra, in the beginning, was "we're all adults here." it contradicted the other statement, which was "i don't want anyone to know," which thrust us-- me, unwilling-- back into that place of adolescent dramatics.
for all that awkward fits-and-starts of ours, however, i began to have feelings for you i didn't expect. in those afternoons on top of covers in both of our rooms, quietly endorsing each other with wrapped arms and covert kisses, marked with extended forays into discussions both deeply personal and deeply political both at once and distinct, amidst statements both careful and rash about our possible future together, our connection became clear to me, at least. you pulled back, after a time, afraid and preoccupied, and still i am compelled toward you and confused by your confusion. i know you want me-- you say it, occasionally, for me to hear and remember, perhaps to make sure i still care, they are easy comments requiring no real commitment on your part-- and that you do not know how to move toward me. in that i cannot remove you from my thoughts, and you plague me. i know you think about me, contemplate our connection, and it infuriates me that you cannot acknowledge it.
here and now there is yet another person, this one carrying a theme of my life with him as he steps through my existence with intention and objective: me, my love and his intertwined, our lives together. he is striving to be my love for the rest of our lives, and presents himself completely; there is no hiding, no trepidation, the complete person, obfuscated only by his own pain and history-- like the rest of us.
8.03.2007
well
here i am. weeks later.
i don't really know what i'm doing. I kind-of do, i suppose, but i am less committed to actually being deeply committed to knowing.
i do know that i need to make more money.
i do know that i have to buy a new dress for zack's premiere
and that his movie is ridiculously racist and sexist
and my face will be seen there and it makes me feel crazycrazy
aaarrrgggh
i do know that i'm not going to invest in halfassed, judgemental relationships anymore
and that i'm done being worried about that shit
essentially, i'm done being worried about YOU and YOU
i don't really know what i'm doing. I kind-of do, i suppose, but i am less committed to actually being deeply committed to knowing.
i do know that i need to make more money.
i do know that i have to buy a new dress for zack's premiere
and that his movie is ridiculously racist and sexist
and my face will be seen there and it makes me feel crazycrazy
aaarrrgggh
i do know that i'm not going to invest in halfassed, judgemental relationships anymore
and that i'm done being worried about that shit
essentially, i'm done being worried about YOU and YOU
7.16.2007
this weekend
i spent most of my time on date-like excursions. it was fun and interesting, also difficult in some ways; i found myself noticing that I was hiding a little in these interactions. i wasn't hiding myself while in them, but from myself in the enacting of them; instead of doing my laundry, budgets and bills, I spent time being romantic with folks in my life. No sex, just connecting; without alcohol I spend much more time thinking about people rather than my lust.
The most consuming interaction of the last three days, however, was definitely my evening with Jon. (my love, my heart) We met in in the Embarcadero in front of the Ferry Building and as he strode toward me I felt my heart lean toward explosion like i couldn't hold it in my chest any longer the way he holds his lower lip between his teeth when he's nervous and swings his arm at his side looking at me out from under his heavy lashes i had forgotten these details and it drove me a little insane
we picked a spot at on the water near some statues that attracted picture taking tourists like flies to honey and we talked about why and how we had come to this predicament, after so many years of dancing around each other and trying to figure it out, after finally being able to be together had i left so unceremoniously, the reasoning, whether there was someone else (there was not), talking crying being there next to each other
when i looked at him it was like i needed to drink him in again, say prayers to the place we had shared, remember that night in the candlelight where i had promised myself to never forget the sanctity of our connection, a promise i so conveniently forgot
what has occurred to me recently is that my alcoholism deserves a large part of the blame. once again sabotaging a close, loving, stable, supportive relationship for alcohol and its social trappings (read: slutty dating and other such rique encounters).
the rest of our evening was more than pleasant, it was comfortable and joyful and really about us. i practiced humility, he practiced asserting himself, we rode the bus and ate sushi and sat at my house with my housemates talking politics of liberation, listening to the coup and all i could think was
this is the life i have been striving for
and this is a person i could choose to love for the rest of my life
The most consuming interaction of the last three days, however, was definitely my evening with Jon. (my love, my heart) We met in in the Embarcadero in front of the Ferry Building and as he strode toward me I felt my heart lean toward explosion like i couldn't hold it in my chest any longer the way he holds his lower lip between his teeth when he's nervous and swings his arm at his side looking at me out from under his heavy lashes i had forgotten these details and it drove me a little insane
we picked a spot at on the water near some statues that attracted picture taking tourists like flies to honey and we talked about why and how we had come to this predicament, after so many years of dancing around each other and trying to figure it out, after finally being able to be together had i left so unceremoniously, the reasoning, whether there was someone else (there was not), talking crying being there next to each other
when i looked at him it was like i needed to drink him in again, say prayers to the place we had shared, remember that night in the candlelight where i had promised myself to never forget the sanctity of our connection, a promise i so conveniently forgot
what has occurred to me recently is that my alcoholism deserves a large part of the blame. once again sabotaging a close, loving, stable, supportive relationship for alcohol and its social trappings (read: slutty dating and other such rique encounters).
the rest of our evening was more than pleasant, it was comfortable and joyful and really about us. i practiced humility, he practiced asserting himself, we rode the bus and ate sushi and sat at my house with my housemates talking politics of liberation, listening to the coup and all i could think was
this is the life i have been striving for
and this is a person i could choose to love for the rest of my life
7.09.2007
yeah
ok. see the following posts to get an idea of what i'm feeling right now:
http://lovelyone.blogspot.com/2007/02/i-cant-handle.html
http://lovelyone.blogspot.com/2006/01/sigh.html
Clearly, I have had a problem the whole time. No one likes a stupid, dramatic drunk. It's time for a real decision, no more talk, no more bullshit.
I really don't want to lose E. I hope that he can forgive me someday. I don't need it to be today, just soon in our lives.
http://lovelyone.blogspot.com/2007/02/i-cant-handle.html
http://lovelyone.blogspot.com/2006/01/sigh.html
Clearly, I have had a problem the whole time. No one likes a stupid, dramatic drunk. It's time for a real decision, no more talk, no more bullshit.
I really don't want to lose E. I hope that he can forgive me someday. I don't need it to be today, just soon in our lives.
6.22.2007
yesterday
certain situations revealed my class roots like a bad dye job.
first, i was probably too ebullient at the fundraiser; second, I was probably overdressed for the fundraiser (i LOVE my flashy heels, betch!); third, i suggested that our staff go to a chain restaurant in Florida while we are working on the Amex project (I was rebuked by my ED). Argh. I am feeling a bit sheepish today, for a million reasons, not just those above.
It wasn't until my portland friends arrived that I realized how much of a struggle this transition has been. In particular, this job has infused a sense of an essential fight for survival (read: recognition & respect) into my life that I do not enjoy. I spent some time last night speaking-- a bit intensely, I think-- about how the city requires your attention to basic inequality and that to expect things to come easy here is a self-delusion. I surprised at my vehemence, and was pleased again to have revealed another aspect of my life to look at.
No, I'm not being sarcastic. Self examination is key in personal liberation, right?
first, i was probably too ebullient at the fundraiser; second, I was probably overdressed for the fundraiser (i LOVE my flashy heels, betch!); third, i suggested that our staff go to a chain restaurant in Florida while we are working on the Amex project (I was rebuked by my ED). Argh. I am feeling a bit sheepish today, for a million reasons, not just those above.
It wasn't until my portland friends arrived that I realized how much of a struggle this transition has been. In particular, this job has infused a sense of an essential fight for survival (read: recognition & respect) into my life that I do not enjoy. I spent some time last night speaking-- a bit intensely, I think-- about how the city requires your attention to basic inequality and that to expect things to come easy here is a self-delusion. I surprised at my vehemence, and was pleased again to have revealed another aspect of my life to look at.
No, I'm not being sarcastic. Self examination is key in personal liberation, right?
6.21.2007
i was just struck
by the memory of a scent
the deep lingering loam of a rainy place
dark in the night damp from a day of rain
me safe in that cloying texture of air
the deep lingering loam of a rainy place
dark in the night damp from a day of rain
me safe in that cloying texture of air
6.19.2007
i vascillate
between wanting to everything i can to end this fucking depression and wanting to just wallow in it completely, go there with everything i have and see what happens. i have been slowly descending in fits and starts, propelled by a growing understanding of the inevitable and a disaffection with the present
my co-counseling side says LOVE YOUR SELF HATE!!! LOOK AT IT!!! GIVE IT A BIG FUCKING HUG!! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!! then the practical, wide-world side says --you can't function like this, you can't be a full woman like this, you can't be loved like this, you have to get better before you go to a place you can never get back from, a fat-ugly-hopeless place where you are utterly alone, stupid and self-indulgent.--
well, that's fun, right? i keep thinking i've found the answer, and keep coming back to the same damn feelings. greant.
my co-counseling side says LOVE YOUR SELF HATE!!! LOOK AT IT!!! GIVE IT A BIG FUCKING HUG!! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!! then the practical, wide-world side says --you can't function like this, you can't be a full woman like this, you can't be loved like this, you have to get better before you go to a place you can never get back from, a fat-ugly-hopeless place where you are utterly alone, stupid and self-indulgent.--
well, that's fun, right? i keep thinking i've found the answer, and keep coming back to the same damn feelings. greant.
also
my mother criticized the list i created regarding a partner.
in the spirit of being more grounded and practical, I am looking for a relationship wherein we can:
- live together and create a home that we both enjoy; a place where we both feel comfortable and taken care of, a place where our friends feel welcome, where we can challenge each other in a healthy way
- get in the car/on our bikes and go places together
- laugh at each other's foibles and flaws
- occasionally have a knockdowndragout fight and have great makeup sex/cuddling/mutual affirmation
- get drunk and laugh at each other
- make food for each other, collaborate on whats going to taste the best and how it should be presented, experiment
- go shopping together
- talk about our days when they are done
- read together in bed before we go to sleep and discuss our books
- sleep in the same bed at night, hold each other
- wake up together and have coffee/tea/breakfast, see each other off
- fantasize about our future, our children, our community.
i think that's it.
in the spirit of being more grounded and practical, I am looking for a relationship wherein we can:
- live together and create a home that we both enjoy; a place where we both feel comfortable and taken care of, a place where our friends feel welcome, where we can challenge each other in a healthy way
- get in the car/on our bikes and go places together
- laugh at each other's foibles and flaws
- occasionally have a knockdowndragout fight and have great makeup sex/cuddling/mutual affirmation
- get drunk and laugh at each other
- make food for each other, collaborate on whats going to taste the best and how it should be presented, experiment
- go shopping together
- talk about our days when they are done
- read together in bed before we go to sleep and discuss our books
- sleep in the same bed at night, hold each other
- wake up together and have coffee/tea/breakfast, see each other off
- fantasize about our future, our children, our community.
i think that's it.
ok so
in order to be present here today i have to move some things within me-- process a little-- get clearer.
send me your position
getting lonely down here
this is the time in my life that i can use, i can really mine for the artinpain that i have been craving for so long, the reason that i left portland, i'm looking for that struggle that will force me to create art to write to be poetic with my life to see the beauty in the difficulty
i have to end some things and start some things very soon, today in fact. it's time to start believing again, being the fully powerful person that i have grown to be, to exercise my willpower-- i want to reign in my desires run rampant, they are causing suffering i can't manage right now. Can I do the things that truly ground me on a daily basis? I have been looking for satisfaction in pursuing base impulses and finding only fleeting fulfillment. Sex, food, drink, television-- I have always known that I would not find what i needed in those things.
send me your position
getting lonely down here
this is the time in my life that i can use, i can really mine for the artinpain that i have been craving for so long, the reason that i left portland, i'm looking for that struggle that will force me to create art to write to be poetic with my life to see the beauty in the difficulty
i have to end some things and start some things very soon, today in fact. it's time to start believing again, being the fully powerful person that i have grown to be, to exercise my willpower-- i want to reign in my desires run rampant, they are causing suffering i can't manage right now. Can I do the things that truly ground me on a daily basis? I have been looking for satisfaction in pursuing base impulses and finding only fleeting fulfillment. Sex, food, drink, television-- I have always known that I would not find what i needed in those things.
6.16.2007
i have to get used
to not being 22 anymore. here i am, five years later, not dating very much, not putting myself out there very much, sitting at home on a saturday night watching ghostbusters. i am eventually going to do my hair. it's going to look good, too, damnit, before pride.
so what does it mean? what does this all mean? I have some sense of failure here-- like I am not living up to my full capacity as a 20something. then again, i need to calm the fuck down and have a good time. i'm not getting any younger...
so what does it mean? what does this all mean? I have some sense of failure here-- like I am not living up to my full capacity as a 20something. then again, i need to calm the fuck down and have a good time. i'm not getting any younger...
6.13.2007
i am gonna
make it
through this year
if it kills me
what an intense day. i made all these powerful decisions and it all crashed down around me this morning, my carefully constructed castle of self-protection crumbling sadly at my feet. Today I was the subject of a meeting, and no one told me what happened in it. The director of the SF office engaged in her usual subtle undercutting-- walked into the office and barely acknowledged me, sent emails to the staff and ED that suggested we do things that I was clearly unprepared for, talked about me loud enough for me to hear in front of other staff.
Meanwhile, i looked up abuse in the workplace-- and found definitions of "workplace bully" and psychological abuse in the workplace. I am being bullied, and there are no laws to protect me. http://www.bullyinginstitute.org/bbstudies/youknowwhen.html
this realization that i am being abused hit hard. it's kinda like when i realized that what had happened to me was rape. the new understanding that what is going on is ABUSE incurs its own trauma.
it all went downhill from when david and i got in a little spat in the morning and he asked me what was really going on-- NOTHING! i said, lying and knowing it-- and i broke down crying. It all seems like too much, everything these people do, and my tolerance level for being constantly underestimated, undercut and unacknowledged is nonexistent.
The question is: can I use this anger, sadness and depression towards positive ends? Today I have written more than I have any other day in recent history-- wonderful. More blog entries than ever in an attempt to blow off this steam, figure out my struggle. For the first time in my life I am distinctly not enjoying my depression-- i'm unsure why. it seems particularly difficult.
through this year
if it kills me
what an intense day. i made all these powerful decisions and it all crashed down around me this morning, my carefully constructed castle of self-protection crumbling sadly at my feet. Today I was the subject of a meeting, and no one told me what happened in it. The director of the SF office engaged in her usual subtle undercutting-- walked into the office and barely acknowledged me, sent emails to the staff and ED that suggested we do things that I was clearly unprepared for, talked about me loud enough for me to hear in front of other staff.
Meanwhile, i looked up abuse in the workplace-- and found definitions of "workplace bully" and psychological abuse in the workplace. I am being bullied, and there are no laws to protect me. http://www.bullyinginstitute.org/bbstudies/youknowwhen.html
this realization that i am being abused hit hard. it's kinda like when i realized that what had happened to me was rape. the new understanding that what is going on is ABUSE incurs its own trauma.
it all went downhill from when david and i got in a little spat in the morning and he asked me what was really going on-- NOTHING! i said, lying and knowing it-- and i broke down crying. It all seems like too much, everything these people do, and my tolerance level for being constantly underestimated, undercut and unacknowledged is nonexistent.
The question is: can I use this anger, sadness and depression towards positive ends? Today I have written more than I have any other day in recent history-- wonderful. More blog entries than ever in an attempt to blow off this steam, figure out my struggle. For the first time in my life I am distinctly not enjoying my depression-- i'm unsure why. it seems particularly difficult.
6.12.2007
my coworker jamie
told me to never try to go to bed after 11pm. I remember her caution but pay little attention.
i had a great session today. really, all sessions are great right now. my mind was occupied with a few overarching themes: hopelessness, loneliness, fear. The last week or so I have been blessed with a change of direction in these thought patterns; I made a decision that work will not depress me, that it has no control over me, and that I do not want to be in a relationship right now. Dating, sure, relationship, no. There is too much desperation there for me. I do not want to be in a relationship because it is the "least awful alternative," I want to choose a person as a primary partner who embodies characteristics I value and lives a life I admire while encouraging me to live the fullest life possible. (Just to be fair, Laura and David do this for me. Lucky me.)
I suppose it is a worthwhile effort to list what I think these characteristics might be. My next long term, primary relationship will be with a person who is:
- Deeply compassionate and forgiving of self and others
- Political and committed to building the movement
- Committed to self reflection and in turn, radical self transformation on a regular basis
- Absolutely adoring of me and supportive
- Able to see where I struggle and offer help
- Able to notice when they are struggling and ask for help
- Generally knowledgable of their material and patterns, able to acknowledge those things to me
- Engaged in a self help process
- Engaged in community that is intergenerational, multicultural, multiclassed, multigendered
- Living in the Bay Area
- Self-sufficient, emotionally and financially
- Socially adept
- Surrounded by supportive friends and family
- Terrifically crass and inappropriate in the most fun ways
- Adventurous, physical
- Sexy and adventurous in the bedroom-- ostensibly a top
- Bike rider
- Book lover, intellectual
I have to say that politically and personally i do not believe that I am alone, persay; these structures of disconnection are strictly products of a society divided by oppression and capitalism. It makes sense, then, that in this first post-college phase wherein I have re-entered capitalism-- like sudden cold-water immersion-- i would be shocked and pissed at what I found here. And that I would seek a person to contradict my sense of abandonment and isolation.
I do not want to move forward with dating in a state of desperation. Instead, I am looking closely at my life and where I can decide to be more fulfilled and self-actualized.
Have I mentioned that I love my bike? I should have, because I do. :)
i had a great session today. really, all sessions are great right now. my mind was occupied with a few overarching themes: hopelessness, loneliness, fear. The last week or so I have been blessed with a change of direction in these thought patterns; I made a decision that work will not depress me, that it has no control over me, and that I do not want to be in a relationship right now. Dating, sure, relationship, no. There is too much desperation there for me. I do not want to be in a relationship because it is the "least awful alternative," I want to choose a person as a primary partner who embodies characteristics I value and lives a life I admire while encouraging me to live the fullest life possible. (Just to be fair, Laura and David do this for me. Lucky me.)
I suppose it is a worthwhile effort to list what I think these characteristics might be. My next long term, primary relationship will be with a person who is:
- Deeply compassionate and forgiving of self and others
- Political and committed to building the movement
- Committed to self reflection and in turn, radical self transformation on a regular basis
- Absolutely adoring of me and supportive
- Able to see where I struggle and offer help
- Able to notice when they are struggling and ask for help
- Generally knowledgable of their material and patterns, able to acknowledge those things to me
- Engaged in a self help process
- Engaged in community that is intergenerational, multicultural, multiclassed, multigendered
- Living in the Bay Area
- Self-sufficient, emotionally and financially
- Socially adept
- Surrounded by supportive friends and family
- Terrifically crass and inappropriate in the most fun ways
- Adventurous, physical
- Sexy and adventurous in the bedroom-- ostensibly a top
- Bike rider
- Book lover, intellectual
I have to say that politically and personally i do not believe that I am alone, persay; these structures of disconnection are strictly products of a society divided by oppression and capitalism. It makes sense, then, that in this first post-college phase wherein I have re-entered capitalism-- like sudden cold-water immersion-- i would be shocked and pissed at what I found here. And that I would seek a person to contradict my sense of abandonment and isolation.
I do not want to move forward with dating in a state of desperation. Instead, I am looking closely at my life and where I can decide to be more fulfilled and self-actualized.
Have I mentioned that I love my bike? I should have, because I do. :)
6.11.2007
there are a few
things that need to be written about. I will put them under separate headings to represent them distinctly.
6.01.2007
on mondays its
depression, on fridays its elation... is this the way of the working world?
the great thing about today is that I am feeling much more excited about building community and putting myself out there. Unfortunately, I have not been laying the groundwork for success in that area... and of all people, I know that it takes consistent attention to build a solid community of folks that will come out and play and support you when you need it.
Let's see if I can pull it out tonight. Good thing I am also good at not beating myself up if things don't go exactly my way.
all my love...
the great thing about today is that I am feeling much more excited about building community and putting myself out there. Unfortunately, I have not been laying the groundwork for success in that area... and of all people, I know that it takes consistent attention to build a solid community of folks that will come out and play and support you when you need it.
Let's see if I can pull it out tonight. Good thing I am also good at not beating myself up if things don't go exactly my way.
all my love...
5.31.2007
i think
i may have to start a different blog for my political material... because i actually want people to read it.
regardless.
a working class rant:
today as i walked to my high rise office building in the embarcadero district of san francisco, surrounded by the bay itself, views of oakland and the bay bridge, expensive places to buy food and fancy florists I passed charles schwab windows emblazoned with the clever slogans of their campaigns focused on getting everyday folks to invest their money in something with charles schwab
one of these slogans reads "planning for your retirement? or hoping to?"
everytime I see that fucking slogan i think about my father. yes, he was downwardly mobile; yes, he is self-employed; yes, he hates bosses and taxes and you, if you cut in line. my daddy was hoping to plan for his retirement, but that's not how things went. instead, a series of events determined our descent from the working class to the poor, where desperation became a member of the family.
it started when a roof he repaired in palm springs leaked when it rained, of all the ironic things, and they sued the pants off of him; his truck full of tools was stolen; an economic crash leveled the real estate economy, which made work extremely difficult to find for a self-employed residential remodeler. Daddy has always, on top of these new circumstances, systematically and unabashedly undervalued his carpentry. We lost our house and almost everything we owned and moved in with his new girlfriend and my to-be forever stepmother, Alyce. Now he owns nothing, has nothing, lives from job to job, check to check.
He is 60 now. After 40+ years of heavy manual labor, not to mention a few good bone-breaking and back-snapping beatings over the course of his exciting life, his body feels every movement and shift. still and yet he shoulders rolls of tar papers and stepladders up to second and third story roofs through creaky hips and achy knees.
daddy, why don't you hire some folks and just be the head contractor guy? you're too skilled and too old to be doing this shit anymore.
i don't want to stop working. i love working, audrey. working defines me as a man, its my art. i can't imagine my life without work. i'm gonna work until i die. that's what i want to do. you're gonna have to get used to that. anyway, i can't trust anyone to produce the quality of work that i do for my clients.
but daddy, you're just going to die sooner if you do that. and that's not fair to me or zack or jay.
it's my life. i will do with it what i want. if i don't want to live without working then you should respect that. anyway, what would i do for money?
zack and jay and i would figure that out, papa. just because it's hard to think about not working doesn't mean you should do it til you die, for fuck's sake.
i don't know, babe.
Subtext: I don't have any money, i'm afraid to be a burden on my kids, and i have no idea what i would do with my time if i didn't work so hard everyday that I was exhausted.
What would you do, charles schwab? are you gonna take money that doesn't exist because of the machinations of a manipulated economy and destructive patriarchy and invest it in a market that systematically exploits people like my father? no. you'll just make it seem like its accessible, promote the possibility... and bring up feelings of resentment each day as I walk to work.
regardless.
a working class rant:
today as i walked to my high rise office building in the embarcadero district of san francisco, surrounded by the bay itself, views of oakland and the bay bridge, expensive places to buy food and fancy florists I passed charles schwab windows emblazoned with the clever slogans of their campaigns focused on getting everyday folks to invest their money in something with charles schwab
one of these slogans reads "planning for your retirement? or hoping to?"
everytime I see that fucking slogan i think about my father. yes, he was downwardly mobile; yes, he is self-employed; yes, he hates bosses and taxes and you, if you cut in line. my daddy was hoping to plan for his retirement, but that's not how things went. instead, a series of events determined our descent from the working class to the poor, where desperation became a member of the family.
it started when a roof he repaired in palm springs leaked when it rained, of all the ironic things, and they sued the pants off of him; his truck full of tools was stolen; an economic crash leveled the real estate economy, which made work extremely difficult to find for a self-employed residential remodeler. Daddy has always, on top of these new circumstances, systematically and unabashedly undervalued his carpentry. We lost our house and almost everything we owned and moved in with his new girlfriend and my to-be forever stepmother, Alyce. Now he owns nothing, has nothing, lives from job to job, check to check.
He is 60 now. After 40+ years of heavy manual labor, not to mention a few good bone-breaking and back-snapping beatings over the course of his exciting life, his body feels every movement and shift. still and yet he shoulders rolls of tar papers and stepladders up to second and third story roofs through creaky hips and achy knees.
daddy, why don't you hire some folks and just be the head contractor guy? you're too skilled and too old to be doing this shit anymore.
i don't want to stop working. i love working, audrey. working defines me as a man, its my art. i can't imagine my life without work. i'm gonna work until i die. that's what i want to do. you're gonna have to get used to that. anyway, i can't trust anyone to produce the quality of work that i do for my clients.
but daddy, you're just going to die sooner if you do that. and that's not fair to me or zack or jay.
it's my life. i will do with it what i want. if i don't want to live without working then you should respect that. anyway, what would i do for money?
zack and jay and i would figure that out, papa. just because it's hard to think about not working doesn't mean you should do it til you die, for fuck's sake.
i don't know, babe.
Subtext: I don't have any money, i'm afraid to be a burden on my kids, and i have no idea what i would do with my time if i didn't work so hard everyday that I was exhausted.
What would you do, charles schwab? are you gonna take money that doesn't exist because of the machinations of a manipulated economy and destructive patriarchy and invest it in a market that systematically exploits people like my father? no. you'll just make it seem like its accessible, promote the possibility... and bring up feelings of resentment each day as I walk to work.
5.30.2007
i have never
felt this consistently sad. i thought i could defeat it by riding in this morning, but i still feel the weight of a simple, consistent sadness, regardless of the adrenaline encouraged by speeding through downtown on my bicycle. it's not a depression, it is almost like a constant reality check, calling me to notice the seedy and exploitive nature of life over the glorious and joyful aspects i had become so accustomed to.
there are many differences, i suppose, in the way my life was and the way my life has manifested currently. my community is far less cohesive; i am older, and noticing it; i do not love what i am doing; i am not organizing; i am not really dating; i am not getting as many sessions. while it is true that I am making steps to change these things (very actively pursuing other jobs, emailing orgs to volunteer with them, hanging out with awesome folks and investing in longterm relationships, getting sessions on my feelings about dating and abandonment) i am still struggling with the decision to realize my joy as a human being in the world. Anxiety is my contemporary bedfellow.
In the aims of being more intentional in addressing my current selfhate and other outcroppings of negativity, below i list the aspects of my life and myself that i love right now:
- my housemates
- david
- amy
- kate
- laura
- my new sf friends: amy, sarah, eric, nicole, mikael, angela, susie, benny boy, amaris, bre, and many more
- my new sf co-counselors: syd, jim, adam, mark, kristen
- the opportunities that are presenting themselves, aka, the unions and other organizing opportunities
- my commitment to getting involved in prison abolishment/addressing the criminal justice system
- how i notice my own restimulation and pay attention to how that effects me and my relationships; how I pursue my own healing, even in the smallest ways.
- my neighborhood, my local coffeeshop, my local bars, the grocery stores, the culture, the food, the transportation
- riding my bike up hills
- riding my bike down hills
- cuddling with friends new and old; revealing myself in my developing relationships
- talking on the phone with laura
- living near golden gate park
- my back porch
- getting my finances in order...
argh. with every one of these there seems to be a corresponding negative aspect that drags it all down. I do want to even out and be committed to joy and happiness in my life. i feel afraid sometimes that all of this is what life really is, sad and lonely and overwhelming with a downhill trajectory...
there are many differences, i suppose, in the way my life was and the way my life has manifested currently. my community is far less cohesive; i am older, and noticing it; i do not love what i am doing; i am not organizing; i am not really dating; i am not getting as many sessions. while it is true that I am making steps to change these things (very actively pursuing other jobs, emailing orgs to volunteer with them, hanging out with awesome folks and investing in longterm relationships, getting sessions on my feelings about dating and abandonment) i am still struggling with the decision to realize my joy as a human being in the world. Anxiety is my contemporary bedfellow.
In the aims of being more intentional in addressing my current selfhate and other outcroppings of negativity, below i list the aspects of my life and myself that i love right now:
- my housemates
- david
- amy
- kate
- laura
- my new sf friends: amy, sarah, eric, nicole, mikael, angela, susie, benny boy, amaris, bre, and many more
- my new sf co-counselors: syd, jim, adam, mark, kristen
- the opportunities that are presenting themselves, aka, the unions and other organizing opportunities
- my commitment to getting involved in prison abolishment/addressing the criminal justice system
- how i notice my own restimulation and pay attention to how that effects me and my relationships; how I pursue my own healing, even in the smallest ways.
- my neighborhood, my local coffeeshop, my local bars, the grocery stores, the culture, the food, the transportation
- riding my bike up hills
- riding my bike down hills
- cuddling with friends new and old; revealing myself in my developing relationships
- talking on the phone with laura
- living near golden gate park
- my back porch
- getting my finances in order...
argh. with every one of these there seems to be a corresponding negative aspect that drags it all down. I do want to even out and be committed to joy and happiness in my life. i feel afraid sometimes that all of this is what life really is, sad and lonely and overwhelming with a downhill trajectory...
5.28.2007
what the fuck
is up with these ups and downs? Yesterday, everything was golden, life was good, i was on the fast track to new and different things in my life. Today it feels as though I am carrying a load of bricks.
Ah, I see. Yesterday I wasn't at work. Today I was there all day. There must be some correllation. Yuck-eeee.
Ah, I see. Yesterday I wasn't at work. Today I was there all day. There must be some correllation. Yuck-eeee.
5.23.2007
well
we finally did it. we signed the papers, the four of us, soon to be seven-- taking action so many months later, but action that I feel necessary, even now.
what am i looking for? achieving greatness- whatever that may mean, and in my context it means several things:
- ending oppression;
- building a sustainable movement for liberation;
- building close and loving relationships with the people in my life;
- building a diverse community around me;
- consistently being reflective about my internalized processes that continue to victimize me and oppress people around me;
- educating myself constantly about the state of the world and those in it, especially the effects of the imperialist force i live within and my complicity in that imperialism;
- loving completely every person i come into contact with throughout each moment of my day while remaining strong and advocating for myself.
I will achieve my goals; Tia once put in a card to me, for some occasion, that she was confident that I would "never lead a mediocre life." I hope that she is correct, and honestly, i am striving to prove that she is. Perhaps it is almost that expectation that drives me to fulfill it. How awful to have had such a shiny future predicted for you and end up toothless in a trailer park with only cigarettes and vodka to accompany your tragedy.
There are so many decisions I need to make right now, and directions I could push. Each one has a different outcome, and I am having a hard time thinking strategically about this; I can plan a campaign, but i have a hard time predicting the most fruitful/liberating/revolutionary set of moves for my life. This chessgame is far more complicated, and there is so much more at stake.
Here i am, at the crossroads.
what am i looking for? achieving greatness- whatever that may mean, and in my context it means several things:
- ending oppression;
- building a sustainable movement for liberation;
- building close and loving relationships with the people in my life;
- building a diverse community around me;
- consistently being reflective about my internalized processes that continue to victimize me and oppress people around me;
- educating myself constantly about the state of the world and those in it, especially the effects of the imperialist force i live within and my complicity in that imperialism;
- loving completely every person i come into contact with throughout each moment of my day while remaining strong and advocating for myself.
I will achieve my goals; Tia once put in a card to me, for some occasion, that she was confident that I would "never lead a mediocre life." I hope that she is correct, and honestly, i am striving to prove that she is. Perhaps it is almost that expectation that drives me to fulfill it. How awful to have had such a shiny future predicted for you and end up toothless in a trailer park with only cigarettes and vodka to accompany your tragedy.
There are so many decisions I need to make right now, and directions I could push. Each one has a different outcome, and I am having a hard time thinking strategically about this; I can plan a campaign, but i have a hard time predicting the most fruitful/liberating/revolutionary set of moves for my life. This chessgame is far more complicated, and there is so much more at stake.
Here i am, at the crossroads.
is the answer
to just mess around with people who are completely uninteresting and not attractive?
I can beat this. My new goal: achieving greatness for myself, whatever that means for me right now... living for me.
I can beat this. My new goal: achieving greatness for myself, whatever that means for me right now... living for me.
horrible news
during a nice long session yesterday my very pleasant counselor suggested that it was more important for me to work on the abandonment issues incurred by my mother than to be in a relationship-- and that I should prioritize the former over the latter.
I think he suggested that I could have sex, but that a relationship would be too much for me right now. and interestingly enough, the dude is correct. I can't see my way through my abandonment issues right now- and need some time and space from any committed romantic entanglement. I'm simply not sure if i can have sex in this state- because i'm tired of disconnected sex, and anything tender and vulnerable triggers the hell outta me right now. argh.
Well, i suppose knowing is part of the battle, at least.
I think he suggested that I could have sex, but that a relationship would be too much for me right now. and interestingly enough, the dude is correct. I can't see my way through my abandonment issues right now- and need some time and space from any committed romantic entanglement. I'm simply not sure if i can have sex in this state- because i'm tired of disconnected sex, and anything tender and vulnerable triggers the hell outta me right now. argh.
Well, i suppose knowing is part of the battle, at least.
5.22.2007
i realized
that really what is important to me is that i not become embroiled in another co-dependent situation. I love my life and want to focus on my career and myself- and be committed to my personal and political growth. I notice that I have a tendency to think obsessively about lovers, possible lovers, relationships, possible relationships-- I really would rather not, thanks. Especially during weeks like this, where i have high stakes deadlines to attend to.
I figure-- if I devote that time spent thinking about love/relationships/lovers to liberation and political thinking/work, then I would be one damn together woman. Sounds great, huh? I have to implement some kate strategies: only see folks once/month, other sorts of things...
I have to get involved in prison abolishment. now.
I figure-- if I devote that time spent thinking about love/relationships/lovers to liberation and political thinking/work, then I would be one damn together woman. Sounds great, huh? I have to implement some kate strategies: only see folks once/month, other sorts of things...
I have to get involved in prison abolishment. now.
5.21.2007
i forgot
how much i love that skin on skin interaction
tenderness pleasant and rejuvenating
deciding to be intimate regardless of familiarity
is a deeply connecting decision
i had great fun
and the more wonderful thing is that i am not feeling desperate or overwhelmed with emotion/need/etc., i enjoyed the sex, being in bed all morning, bike riding, eating together, connecting at the park
and although it seems like more would be fun
i have no deep seated need or expectation for more
which, if you have seen my machinations and flailings listed so vulnerably below
is a great relief for me.
There is another aspect of this, however--
I have been relatively laissez-faire in regards to whom I date/spend time with/get into relationships with in the past; it seems more important now to be discerning, and date folks with whom it seems reasonable/feasible to be in a possible lifelong partnership. Babytime might be nearing and stability looks more appealing. If i am going to start dating then I am dating with an actual objective. Different than before, indeed. Very different.
tenderness pleasant and rejuvenating
deciding to be intimate regardless of familiarity
is a deeply connecting decision
i had great fun
and the more wonderful thing is that i am not feeling desperate or overwhelmed with emotion/need/etc., i enjoyed the sex, being in bed all morning, bike riding, eating together, connecting at the park
and although it seems like more would be fun
i have no deep seated need or expectation for more
which, if you have seen my machinations and flailings listed so vulnerably below
is a great relief for me.
There is another aspect of this, however--
I have been relatively laissez-faire in regards to whom I date/spend time with/get into relationships with in the past; it seems more important now to be discerning, and date folks with whom it seems reasonable/feasible to be in a possible lifelong partnership. Babytime might be nearing and stability looks more appealing. If i am going to start dating then I am dating with an actual objective. Different than before, indeed. Very different.
5.15.2007
you know
that i imagine you so often now that you have become almost like a ghost beside me, memories of you always present
you standing in front of me, sweatshirt hood over your shaved head, brooding over your mail in our old kitchen where the sun came in through so many open windows, your soft fingers finding the edges of envelopes just like they find those spots on my body that scream for you, i can imagine the softness of that sweatshirt against my face as we leaned against each other just because we're in love
you looking at the road through the windshield of that red jeep, your profile solid against the background of the moving scenery, our hands entwined as we travelled toward the grocery store running innocuous errands, planning meals because it was fun to think about what to eat together in our shared living room
my hands against your bare chest as we lay in bed
debating heatedly radical race & gender politics
you over me, my hands on your face as i breathe your name
me crying as fear courses through me, a possible interaction with the pigs rattling me, the stress of maintaining our home crashing down on me, your mother screaming at me, your back as you walk out the door, apologetic eyes pleading with me, acknowledging me, loving me even in your anger
i didn't know that i was so in love
and now i can't express my longing enough
you standing in front of me, sweatshirt hood over your shaved head, brooding over your mail in our old kitchen where the sun came in through so many open windows, your soft fingers finding the edges of envelopes just like they find those spots on my body that scream for you, i can imagine the softness of that sweatshirt against my face as we leaned against each other just because we're in love
you looking at the road through the windshield of that red jeep, your profile solid against the background of the moving scenery, our hands entwined as we travelled toward the grocery store running innocuous errands, planning meals because it was fun to think about what to eat together in our shared living room
my hands against your bare chest as we lay in bed
debating heatedly radical race & gender politics
you over me, my hands on your face as i breathe your name
me crying as fear courses through me, a possible interaction with the pigs rattling me, the stress of maintaining our home crashing down on me, your mother screaming at me, your back as you walk out the door, apologetic eyes pleading with me, acknowledging me, loving me even in your anger
i didn't know that i was so in love
and now i can't express my longing enough
5.12.2007
today is the day
i start something. that i move forward. today is the day that i decide that i love writing again, that i commit to writing again, that now is the day for the final decision, that i finally write it, that book about me that makes no sense and all the sense in the world all the sense for moving forward that I need right now
if i am going to read i have to read for something, for writing, for talk, for connecting with others who are thinking about it too. without the expression of this bottled up something it is becoming a dead lead weight in me draining me drowning me unexpectedly
i never did expect to feel this way, going numb, feeling dumb, feeling abandoned.
if i am going to read i have to read for something, for writing, for talk, for connecting with others who are thinking about it too. without the expression of this bottled up something it is becoming a dead lead weight in me draining me drowning me unexpectedly
i never did expect to feel this way, going numb, feeling dumb, feeling abandoned.
5.08.2007
i don't know
what to do with jealousy. i don't understand it, it is destructive, both to the immediate relationship and those surrounding. so unfortunate that we have internalized capitalism so as to destroy ourselves with sentiments of ownership over others, imbued with the same desperation with which we hunger after material goods
only magnified by one thousand
only magnified by one thousand
4.20.2007
remember
scamming? for those of us born in the early 80's and subject to the grunge era in our adolescence, scamming was tight, scandalous, sexy, fun. Tantalizing. Illicit. Tacitly heterosexual-- I would never describe any of my early sexual explorations with other girls as scamming. Exploitive, particularly on the part of the boys, whose focus on scamming was more vehement, focused, insistent than the girls.
For us young ladies, it was this strange invasion; both welcome and reviled, exciting and disgusting; that hardened part of a boy rubbing up against a your leg, or even more fascinating, against that part of you suddenly softened by an unfamiliar heat. I have a comical and slightly frightening memory of being at Josh's house with my friend Melissa when I was 13. Melissa and Josh were "going out," and were sleeping together-- she was 13 and very physically developed, he was 17 and a traditionally immature teenage dude.
It was a summer day, bright and hot in the little Los Angeles suburb where I was raised. We had walked to Josh's from Melissa's, a good three mile trek. She disappeared into his bedroom after we drank beer on the front deck and smoked joints in the living room of Josh's and his little brother's house. Josh's room was furnished with a bunkbed and mismatched comforters. Imagine having sex in a bunkbed. It was probably more comfortable at 13 than it would be at 27.
His little brother was seedy and crass in that gross, desperate teenage way; a dirty little 'stache, messy jeans and hair, red rimmed stoner eyes. He was a boy to avoid, as evidenced by his name-- it was danny, or johnny, something -nny, a diminutive version of his given name, and he was a smaller, less attractive version of his brother Josh. That day he was set on getting at me- from the minute Melissa and I arrived he was working whatever he could to touch me, handle me, kiss me, fondle me.
Something we knew that we should be defending against while also inviting it; that was the only respectable way to go. If one went to far when scamming it could turn against you, your reputation wasn't exactly ruined in that 50's sense, but you were making yourself vulnerable to the pushy expectations of too many young, overzealous teenage boys. That's what Melissa had to fend off, and I was not going to open up that box.
For us young ladies, it was this strange invasion; both welcome and reviled, exciting and disgusting; that hardened part of a boy rubbing up against a your leg, or even more fascinating, against that part of you suddenly softened by an unfamiliar heat. I have a comical and slightly frightening memory of being at Josh's house with my friend Melissa when I was 13. Melissa and Josh were "going out," and were sleeping together-- she was 13 and very physically developed, he was 17 and a traditionally immature teenage dude.
It was a summer day, bright and hot in the little Los Angeles suburb where I was raised. We had walked to Josh's from Melissa's, a good three mile trek. She disappeared into his bedroom after we drank beer on the front deck and smoked joints in the living room of Josh's and his little brother's house. Josh's room was furnished with a bunkbed and mismatched comforters. Imagine having sex in a bunkbed. It was probably more comfortable at 13 than it would be at 27.
His little brother was seedy and crass in that gross, desperate teenage way; a dirty little 'stache, messy jeans and hair, red rimmed stoner eyes. He was a boy to avoid, as evidenced by his name-- it was danny, or johnny, something -nny, a diminutive version of his given name, and he was a smaller, less attractive version of his brother Josh. That day he was set on getting at me- from the minute Melissa and I arrived he was working whatever he could to touch me, handle me, kiss me, fondle me.
Something we knew that we should be defending against while also inviting it; that was the only respectable way to go. If one went to far when scamming it could turn against you, your reputation wasn't exactly ruined in that 50's sense, but you were making yourself vulnerable to the pushy expectations of too many young, overzealous teenage boys. That's what Melissa had to fend off, and I was not going to open up that box.
3.27.2007
what i think about
before i fall asleep, the things that keep me awake, the things that haunt me
- jp and the impact his presence and absence has made, the ensuing self hate, etc., including how shitty i feel about him now-- and how shitty that fact makes me feel. Fuck.
- the 600+ i owe psu
- my cc debt of 5000 and my school debt of 30,000. omg that seems HUGE sometimes...
- how i am nearly goddamned 27 and still a goddamned assistant
- that I am aging and falling and i am not taking care of my body-- i consistently overeat and damned if I am gonna get cuter, it's all downhill from here and it feels like i'm not doing enough about it...
- i never write anymore and it is fucking KILLING ME. I don't even have a place to write. I am tempted to become a goddamned junkie or methhead again so that I can find some sort of painfully motivated place-- I need SOMETHING, goddamnit, it seems that my emotional pain isn't fucking enough anymore
- my detachment from my brothers
- my lack of spiritual practice. that leaves me empty and wanting, reminds me of a time when I would meditate for calm and energy, meditate constantly-- it was a good period.
What the hell do I need? I am working on letting go of jp-- and his shit-- and allowing that connection to be in the past. Forever. Sadly, but completely, I hope.
I need to be ok with my debt, because it isn't going anywhere anytime soon.
My body needs exercise and attention, and I can give it both things in plenty-- I will just institute a regimen and stick to it, and remember what to eat. And what not to eat. Eating for total health is my new goal-- and not overeating; allowing myself to get hungry and eating to sate that hunger, not to forget or anaesthetize.
I can have the will to write, and I MAKE THE DECISION NOW to do it daily. If it is just a page in my diary, so be it-- I can extend that to a million other places, particularly if I prioritize it.
Meditation is not that hard. Starting tomorrow, I will sit for 5 minutes in the morning and 5 in the eve. When I feel stressed or overtired, I will find a place to do some fire breathing during the day, as well.
Argh. I want to change my life, starting NOW. Here are some of my intentions-- easily accessible as reminders.
- jp and the impact his presence and absence has made, the ensuing self hate, etc., including how shitty i feel about him now-- and how shitty that fact makes me feel. Fuck.
- the 600+ i owe psu
- my cc debt of 5000 and my school debt of 30,000. omg that seems HUGE sometimes...
- how i am nearly goddamned 27 and still a goddamned assistant
- that I am aging and falling and i am not taking care of my body-- i consistently overeat and damned if I am gonna get cuter, it's all downhill from here and it feels like i'm not doing enough about it...
- i never write anymore and it is fucking KILLING ME. I don't even have a place to write. I am tempted to become a goddamned junkie or methhead again so that I can find some sort of painfully motivated place-- I need SOMETHING, goddamnit, it seems that my emotional pain isn't fucking enough anymore
- my detachment from my brothers
- my lack of spiritual practice. that leaves me empty and wanting, reminds me of a time when I would meditate for calm and energy, meditate constantly-- it was a good period.
What the hell do I need? I am working on letting go of jp-- and his shit-- and allowing that connection to be in the past. Forever. Sadly, but completely, I hope.
I need to be ok with my debt, because it isn't going anywhere anytime soon.
My body needs exercise and attention, and I can give it both things in plenty-- I will just institute a regimen and stick to it, and remember what to eat. And what not to eat. Eating for total health is my new goal-- and not overeating; allowing myself to get hungry and eating to sate that hunger, not to forget or anaesthetize.
I can have the will to write, and I MAKE THE DECISION NOW to do it daily. If it is just a page in my diary, so be it-- I can extend that to a million other places, particularly if I prioritize it.
Meditation is not that hard. Starting tomorrow, I will sit for 5 minutes in the morning and 5 in the eve. When I feel stressed or overtired, I will find a place to do some fire breathing during the day, as well.
Argh. I want to change my life, starting NOW. Here are some of my intentions-- easily accessible as reminders.
3.20.2007
yeah
so
thanks, i suppose. um. i am learning a lesson here-- what have I done to other people? i wonder.
thanks, i suppose. um. i am learning a lesson here-- what have I done to other people? i wonder.
and
i'm not going to moon over you any longer-- I will continue to love you as a person, and I will not continue to wait for you to love me. I can't wait for you to love yourself.
You are ambitious, creative, compassionate, interesting, intellectual, hilarious, challenging... which is why it is so hard to say goodbye. We are both these things, and we met in a beautiful space between us, a sacred and loving space where two spirits intertwined
i'm sorry you weren't ready for me, darling.
You are ambitious, creative, compassionate, interesting, intellectual, hilarious, challenging... which is why it is so hard to say goodbye. We are both these things, and we met in a beautiful space between us, a sacred and loving space where two spirits intertwined
i'm sorry you weren't ready for me, darling.
it makes me completely sad
that i have to truly say goodbye to you. I never expected you to drop off, to stop connecting completely-- and damn, my heart has more broken under the prospect of your turning away absolutely from our connection than it ever did to stop dating you.
I am struggling to internalize that it is not my fault that you are behaving this way. It is not me, my body, my face, my intelligence; being ignored by you, however, is one of the most painful things that has happened in my life... for a while. And it just continues to ache. And I just continue to blame myself and see an ugly person in the mirror
a person who didn't deserve you
and it makes me hate us
I am struggling to internalize that it is not my fault that you are behaving this way. It is not me, my body, my face, my intelligence; being ignored by you, however, is one of the most painful things that has happened in my life... for a while. And it just continues to ache. And I just continue to blame myself and see an ugly person in the mirror
a person who didn't deserve you
and it makes me hate us
2.18.2007
i can't handle
myself sometimes. i got hit in the eye. i don't want to talk to anyone. i want to lay in my bed and be nothing and nobody and pretend that nothing happened that was STUPID last night, like me processing way too much and sending stupid texts and being a fucking asshole.
I DRINK LIKE AN ASSHOLE
CANT HANDLE IT ANYMORE
I DRINK LIKE AN ASSHOLE
CANT HANDLE IT ANYMORE
2.15.2007
hello
me. i've been all over, emotionally. lately. yeah. hi, everyone, i'm getting better. i'm coming back, and i never expected to be taken so, so far away...
hello, me.
hello, me.
2.09.2007
my daddy always said
that we have the control over the way we feel about things and events in our lives; I have been feeling particularly out of control lately, and not in a positive way.
I am making the decision today to be happy about my job, to be content with my singularity and happy for the people I care about in my life. I want to interact with every person with acceptance, dignity and care. I believe in myself, and today will be an example of this.
and though i continue to notice your absence i am relieved to have decided that this thing is in your hands, as i will pursue my own liberation
plenty capable hands they are
I am making the decision today to be happy about my job, to be content with my singularity and happy for the people I care about in my life. I want to interact with every person with acceptance, dignity and care. I believe in myself, and today will be an example of this.
and though i continue to notice your absence i am relieved to have decided that this thing is in your hands, as i will pursue my own liberation
plenty capable hands they are
2.08.2007
my god
where am i going and what am i doing
you haunt me and i want it to stop i let tonight go and i am both dying and thanking myself
is this what life is? i feel like i am going to go numb, lose all feeling soon, and my body and mind are struggling to maintain sensation, so i am just stuck in feelings and hurt and anxiety and passion and excitement and selfloathing and
all of it
where can i go for help? It feels like i am lost and loose and i have not felt so untethered in years. Portland was my cradle, I was bundled there, and here...
Do i need help? or is everything fine? am i looking for that frantic pace that I felt in college and simply adjusting? is the absence of you- and you- and you- and you- finally beginning to take its toll?
two faces haunt me. neither passed, simply gone from my life in any substantial fashion. both leave deep wounds, one less expected than the other.
i thought that three months would be enough. Where I am now, however, if at all an indicator for almost 1/3 of the way there, I am nowhere near bandaged enough to stop bleeding all over the people around me. I don't even feel presentable at a bar, in a restaurant, i feel young and stupid and too sincere for my own damn good
you haunt me and i want it to stop i let tonight go and i am both dying and thanking myself
is this what life is? i feel like i am going to go numb, lose all feeling soon, and my body and mind are struggling to maintain sensation, so i am just stuck in feelings and hurt and anxiety and passion and excitement and selfloathing and
all of it
where can i go for help? It feels like i am lost and loose and i have not felt so untethered in years. Portland was my cradle, I was bundled there, and here...
Do i need help? or is everything fine? am i looking for that frantic pace that I felt in college and simply adjusting? is the absence of you- and you- and you- and you- finally beginning to take its toll?
two faces haunt me. neither passed, simply gone from my life in any substantial fashion. both leave deep wounds, one less expected than the other.
i thought that three months would be enough. Where I am now, however, if at all an indicator for almost 1/3 of the way there, I am nowhere near bandaged enough to stop bleeding all over the people around me. I don't even feel presentable at a bar, in a restaurant, i feel young and stupid and too sincere for my own damn good
1.17.2007
you know what is
totally strange?
that i love spending time with you. that when i'm with you, i am content. a little discontent, because i want so much of you. the amount of you that i became accustomed to in that short period of time. the total of you that pulled me irresistably toward you, regardless of my intentions.
and now it is difficult to settle for any less. all i want is you. i want more than you can give. i want to give you more than i should
blend shift move change into two one
that i love spending time with you. that when i'm with you, i am content. a little discontent, because i want so much of you. the amount of you that i became accustomed to in that short period of time. the total of you that pulled me irresistably toward you, regardless of my intentions.
and now it is difficult to settle for any less. all i want is you. i want more than you can give. i want to give you more than i should
blend shift move change into two one
1.10.2007
but damn
i am fucking scared that you
- are lying to me
- don't really care about me
- really, that you are lying to me.
please don't be doing those things. please. just fucking tell me. the problem here is, i suppose, that i really don't know you. i have no idea what you might do. ugh.
but damn
you really seem like an upstanding person. this is a challenge, because usually i trust people-- and you make me damn nervous and i want to fucking trust you. damn fucking nervous
- are lying to me
- don't really care about me
- really, that you are lying to me.
please don't be doing those things. please. just fucking tell me. the problem here is, i suppose, that i really don't know you. i have no idea what you might do. ugh.
but damn
you really seem like an upstanding person. this is a challenge, because usually i trust people-- and you make me damn nervous and i want to fucking trust you. damn fucking nervous
i would
paint your portrait over everything mundane
you are settling in like sand on a river bottom
so accustomed to travel i am that your presence seems alien
i expect your apprehension
your doubt and fear and the running
not security and care
and honesty
where did you come from?
escaping from the woodwork the wallpaper of my life
you exclaim that you are here
blowing a ragged hole in my carefully tended facade
you are settling in like sand on a river bottom
so accustomed to travel i am that your presence seems alien
i expect your apprehension
your doubt and fear and the running
not security and care
and honesty
where did you come from?
escaping from the woodwork the wallpaper of my life
you exclaim that you are here
blowing a ragged hole in my carefully tended facade
1.02.2007
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