twists and turns

are to be expected, i guess. i'm kinda happy right now- the party i had here last night was marginal, at best, but the sex i had after the party was pretty fucking good. with someone i did not expect to be having sex with. almost a year later... interesting. he's kinda romantic in bed, its funny. he kisses all tender and intimate-like, and i guess i didn't expect it. i don't really remember it being like that before, but my memory of that time is clouded with some fucked up shit.

I'm at home, all by myself, and there is no television or movie to distract me, and it is all quiet and still, besides the whirring of my space heater. um, i don't know what to do. sleep? i have no good books to read right now (damn it).

hmmph.

aw shit

i did not expect this to come back and bite me in the ass like this. at all. i had a great weekend, by the way, thanks to db- i like hanging out, being romantic and sexual and having no strings attached. i had a lot of great sex, great food, great drink, did whatever i damn well pleased and had great company for it. i came home afterwards and had a great dinner with r, then had great sex again. so, from all the looks of it, my life is pretty fucking great, huh? i get to do what i want, when i want to motherfucking do it, and answer to no motherfucker about it. Fuck it.

So why am i so motherfucking pissed off about this thing? it turns out that this toby person is real, she and j are fucking doing it, or something akin to that, and motherfucking j runs into my motherfucking BEST FRIEND, introduces her to this girl, she calls me, says that she saw him with toby, do i know this toby? my motherfucking heart dropped into my stomach.

i have one thing to say, j, and that is- fuck you, not for seeing someone else, i give a fuck about that, really- but for lying to me, and breaking up with me because you started seeing someone else and lying to me about it. And then lying when i caught you. Have fun, i hope that she is easier and more fun to be with than i was, i am a tough bitch and i know it and goddamn you and every other man who can't look into themselves enough to not feel threatened and fucked up by me.

or maybe i'm just crazy. i dunno. i tend to think that i'm ok. in real life, i think i am. and i don't want a real boyfriend right now, that's why i wanted to be poly anyway with you, freaked out. i hope that you are happy. I'm sorry that you didn't feel like you could tell me the truth.

well, fuck

if i start thinking about him, i get awfully sad. when i saw him this week he looked at me with those sad eyes, and we touched each other, and i missed him so fucking much. but i know that we can't get that original feeling back. its too bad. he's so nice and all that, but its important to remember that i was relatively doubtful through most of it. oh, it feels shitty to say that. i hate dating. no fucking more. no more broken hearts. my life for me.

there are

still images of me, a child, that people in my life retain in their minds. they reference these images, compare them to the present me, filter all my words and behaviors through that memory of a very small me. i can see them, i can watch them filtering- staring at me, astonished perhaps, that i stand in front of them- adult, completely now, without restraint.

my cousin met her husband in college. he would do funny things to her parked bike to show her that he loved her. they have been together for more than ten years. i am in college, i am late to be in college, i don't want to meet a fratty man aspiring to be an environmental engineer, i want to be happy with me- but there is a part of me that envies her, she's been in love for so long, and he's a good person, he loves her. she has two beautiful children, they are small and smiley, so cute. but she didn't breed until she was 32.

i will be done with my phd by then...

here's a question

if i decided to focus on liberation and movement building, instead of whether or not i was pretty/desireable/interesting/sexy, what exactly would the effect be? would i just know that i was ok most of the time, and focus on writing/organizing/meeting ppl/facilitating fun workshops/etc? would my amazing ability to be completely focused on a single task serve me right and would i shine again- rather than feeling fucking deflated, unfocused, etc.... yep. that's what i wanna do. no more getting all wrapped up in getting affection/etc. crap it all.

today was

good and bad, both. i had an easygoing morning, wherein i had a cup of coffee and did research whilst my students evaluated my performance this term. i had nice conversations with people i like. i had a great bike ride to the place where all this happened- namely, my school- in record time. 20 minutes! shit! i am a motherfucking cyclin' fool, for real. On the bike ride home, though, things took a turn for the melancholy- i saw j walking down the street, he said hi, i stopped my (great looking) bike, i looked like ass, he looked motherfucking good, i felt sad, talked too much, complimented his look, got no compliment in return, said stupid things, said goodbye, and rode away. He, of course, was tactful and kind. because that's how that guy is. and i may be kind, but i am dramatic and tactless.

aw, fuckit, may the dramatic rule the earth already. we're more fun, maybe, than the quiet alcholics- we get drunk, we get crazy, we invent situations to get mad/excited/sad about, we love to get riled up and all that. it kinda hurts, though, that so many people think i'm in crisis mode all the time. r used to say that shit to me, and it hurt, because i thought i was just being me. d said today that i seemed to be in crisis all the time, and j used to say that. really, i think that i may be:
1) depressed
2) some sort of manic
3) add
I present these options for a specific reason. d said that i have an uncanny ability to focus completely on a project- to be singularly consumed. this is very true. this is why i'm good at certain things- production, organizing events/etc. i have extreme emotional differentials. i go up and down like a motherfucking ferris wheel, and not all that predictable, either. i am super emotional, and when i'm feeling things i usually have to be dramatic about it.

it feels kinda poopy. but if i was a more even-keeled person, i wouldnt be the dynamic person i think i am now. somehow, i believe that i am a compelling person, and i think my intensity is an essential part of that.

i've been thinking

about whether or not to really share my blog. i'm not sure it matters anyway, but i'm contemplating it.

i am sworn off dating for a little while. no more. i feel bad when i let folks down, i don't wanna break hearts because having your heart broken sucks. feeling broken sucks. and i dont wanna feel broken again anytime soon. so there.

although the other evening i saw a nice young man at a party... he and i blind dated one time, i was totally turned off because he never stopped talking. seriously. i asked about his watch- wait, no, i just complimented it- and he went on to tell me about the four prior watches, how they came into his possession, things that happened while he had them, and how he lost them. it was very hard for me to be in the conversation, it seemed like he maybe didnt know i was there anyway. so i kinda blew him off, told him i was real busy in school and all that (hmm, sounds familiar...) He came to our house party a while later, when i had just started seeing j, and he kissed me at the very end- and i really enjoyed his kiss. hes respectfully impulsive, and it was ridiculously endearing.

at this recent party (j.s. b'day, yay!) i sat next to him and we made awkward conversation, attempting to hold down a marginally interesting conversation, we were mediocre at it. i caught him looking at me alot, and that was interesting. i kept imagining him naked and breathless and sweaty during our conversation, is that dirty?

oh hell yes it is. i have been doing that alot lately. i've been feeling the need for a good rough casual fuck, and i cant help but imagine my friends/the busperson/cashier/person riding by on their bike panting and naked. hmm. panting.

i'm still not dating, though, fuck all that noise, i'm not gonna do this shit. too much fucking stress already.

jeezus

i feel like shit. i just don't want to date any new folks. i want easy and casual things. you can feel it when something isn't going to be casual- maybe i knew it, the day after, when she called me three times and i didn't know how to react and i really like kissing her but i can't think about making a new relationship with anyone right now, i really can't, or it feels like i really can't, like it would overwhelm me and that i would start just hanging out with her all the time and i would forget again about people and that she would be over here all the time and me over there and i wouldn't do my work but for making out and fucking, and damn, i'm scared as shit of that and then it feels like i maybe am not that attracted to her and i remember her pussy on my leg in my bed that night and her wetness on my skin and thinking that i wasn't very wet at all, and that i didn't know what to feel about that, and damn but i have some shit to work through.

i have cramps. i feel a little depressed. i want someone to come over and cuddle me, which is what she wanted, and you know what? maybe we're too much alike, need the same sorts of care, and if that's bad i don't know...

water. i need water. and spirulina. i love the light and the air and sometimes i love to have conversations with people while imagining fucking them, naked and sweaty and dirty and down. i love people. i cant date them for a little while, tho. i think audrey is taking a break.