this is the feeling

that i despise. that worry that i will be cast off, abandoned. I hate liking someone, i really do, it makes me crazy and i don't want to be left

and i don't want to call her. i have this habit of calling when i feel this crazy, and i have to remember what i really want and what's going on; even if she does decide that this is not for her I am ok, and my trajectory continues on its inorexable path. and we will be friends.

if i hate this feeling, why am i feeling it? i am gonna let this one go. right now.

off to the showers.

sometimes i don't know

the answer to that question. am i gay? if the definition of gay is: preference of sexual relationships/love relationships with folks of the same sex, then I am gay. I am gay and I have male lovers, but i prefer the attentions and day-in-day-out of women. I love making love to women, and i adore that period after sex, even with a casual lover, where you connect and cuddle and care for each other. love it. i hate disconnected, fuck-you-like-a-hole-in-the-mattress sort of sex, and how they collapse afterwards while you wonder when the fuck you're gonna get yours.

I don't want to be jaded, but i'm sorry boys, the general rule is that you fuck me as if i'm not there. Sometimes there are exceptions, but even my best boys have done/do that. The general rule with women is that they stay in the room and are excited to have you there too.

I want to be making love to someone, i'm tired of disconnected fucking, even with casual lovers.

for now.

today i am

overstimulated. way too titillated. I am having an extremely difficult time focusing on anything; all I can think about is sex, all i can feel is the slight buzz reverberating through my body. It doesn't help that i keep looking at her friendster page... at all.
goddamnit. i have plenty to do without this preoccupation. I don't think i've been this overwhelmed, physically, in a long time.
I guess i'll go home and work out. perhaps that will help. if i'm lucky.

i am so

wound up I can hardly sit in this chair. I know I have schoolwork to do, and I can't do it yet because I don't have my books; I have writing to do but, again, i'm all wound up. Why, you ask? Well, that would be just a little *too* much to post here right now, my pretty friends.

but of course it has to do with my getting laid.

i am not

very used to delayed gratification. this must be one of the lessons i was meant to learn here...

shit. er.

i went

to the meeting, and sat there *almost* crying the whole time; it was strange to be in a self-help environment without the explicit permission to cry as much as i wanted or needed to.

it's true, people there are very accepting, and there was something overwhelmingly-ridiculously-surprisingly freeing about being in a room with lots of folks who have had similar life experiences and declaring myself. I cried then. I made _the_ decision. For today. I feel fear & anxiety about the possibility of looking crazy and losing people, while i feel powerful in this decision that I believe will be the best for me; it's the next step in my personal liberation. I believe that.

i did this, i made this mess, and i've picked myself up and decided to move the fuck on into a different future for myself. shit.

sigh.

i've really fucked this one up. i'm feeling so frikin shitty about my stupidass behavior that i kinda wanna just stay in my room forever. obviously, the situation would not be helped by my self hate, however, and I have to work to make this better- in whatever way she wants me to. i am feeling: ultra embarrassed, overwhelmed, guilty, and more than anything I am feeling shocked at myself and disappointed in how I lost control of that damaging thing that's had me in its clutches before--- the drink. so here i go, launching on another period of sobriety and self-reflection, hoping to regain my hold on myself. i guess i'm always gonna struggle with this.

i'm so lucky to have friends that are willing to call me out and require my accountability; and I have faith in my community to always kick me back into line. I promise, however, that they won't always have to. i promise. i'm so sorry. not that it helps any.

you know what sucks even more? i hate the feeling that r might have always been right about me, and everytime i do something stupid like this that old feeling comes back and I hear his remonstrations regarding my behaviors. i want those messages out of my head- i really don't think they help me any.

well i've

gone and been an asshole again. the drinking has become a problem, just this past week or so. Since new years. Since amy and i went to little tokyo. So, now, I have to decide not to drink again. Sigh. I can do a month- and I want to. I'm sorry, k, for being so insensitive.
I'm not a very good drunk anymore. This whole "general moderation" thing has made it difficult to be a good heavy drinker. Maybe I was never very good at it, though, and i'm just mature enough to notice how stupid I am now.

something has

changed. i feel differently about where i am and what I am doing. i told them on our last morning together that my heart had shifted from pdx to sfc; i am looking with all too much bated breath for my future away from portland. i am plagued: what if its not what we want it to be? what if those four days together was some blessed pocket of time, destined to be just that- an isolated incident? then I calm myself; the love i feel from and for them is deep, has an identifiable history marked by trial and triumph. that history and committment makes our collective and individual connections more than fleeting experiences. right?
hey, guys? i am missing the crap out of you right now.

okay, today

is not a day wherein i should be interacting with human beings. irritation is riding high. stress, stress, stress- impacting me right now. on top of that, i am feeling ultra triggered by my male housemate. i can't tolerate anything that even looks like home neglect from him right now- all of my frustration with s & n's inactivity around the house is combining with my general frustration with his non-involvement to create a giant, ulcerous pimple of frustration. I just want to stay in my room, the one place that I can control right now, the one place where I am the only one to fuck it up and when i clean it it stays clean.

I want some understanding around the fact i'm in finals. last night i felt like i could tolerate anything and everything-- but today i am feeling overwhelmed. sigh. i still work, i still go to school, i'm still doing everything. whatever. whatever. whatever.

this is the life i chose, the place i choose, and the people i choose. that is the ultimate truth, whether or not jon decides to put away his goddamned dinner stuff or not. goddamn. goddamn. goddamn. goddamn.

no really

i hate the television. and i hate what our society does to people. i hate what the television does to me. we have EVERY CHANNEL you can think of! and it is fucking insane. i really want to get it out of my life. ack ack ack
i think watching television makes me think i'm fat
and i think constantly about how i need to lose weight/get a flat belly/etc.
shit. again: i want to be healthy for me. not for anyone else. i ride my bike, i work on my body, i eat healthy food and my body is an amazing tool for the full living of this life. yeh. fuck a whole lotta sitting around watching some shitty teevee.

in other news. finals week. i'm reading a lot, which is great for me. j just got back from breitenbush; his energy reminds me of how I want to live- always in awe, always open, always loving. i'm going to the woods this coming weekend, and i'm super excited for it. i miss nature. i will miss her a lot more when i move, so i want to get as much of it as i possibly can.
i have to stop helping s with her diet stuff- i want her to be healthy too much. she's drinking a soda and its super not good for her belly, and i don't want to be so disappointed. too much investment. and i think it pisses n off, to have me involved like this.
ALSO--- news flash!!! I think i'm doing really frickin well with the "no relationship" thing. I don't even want to go near it. i do have a crush, I may ask her out. i hope she saw my friendster photo and caption- "i won't be your girlfriend." because i simply will.not.be.anyones.girlfriend.rite.now.

i revise my

"want" list. Yesterday I heard the most depressing comment from the lips of a woman that I thought understood. Fact: I've been poly for a long time, both during and outside of long term relationships. Fact: just recently I've decided to not be in a relationship. Fact: I wanted to be in a relationship with you that would have lasted over a year, before I left for grad school. Being poly had nothing to do with protecting myself from a longer relationship. That comment was similar an exchange like this:
Man: Good thing you're gay; it protects you from having to be in a _REAL_ relationship.
Woman: Um.
Oh well. This is why i'm not trying to do anything with anyone. I'm tired of this shit.
Back to paper-writing.

what the fuch

am i doing? it feels like I don't know anymore. Here I sit, wasting my time and life----- doing what? Today I watched tv for 3 hours. I have finals next week, a paper due tomorrow, and I don't know why the fuck I'm not working on this shit.
so i go upstairs after a shower, and start fucking around online. the poly listserv is fucked, its supposed to snow tomorrow, and no new emails from d or b. hence, i look at this page. check it out if you want. www.writeaprisoner.com

"I've been buried beneath this cold concrete and iron steel since 1991 and over the years I've been pretty much forgotten about by both family and friends. I have however managed to maintain a positive attitude, sense of humor, and a strong spirit through it all. Sitting in this desolate cage day after day, I do realize that I've made some mistakes and bad choices along the way that put me here today. But this is life and we all make mistakes because we're only human. What's important is that we don't pass judgment on the next person, but treat each other as you wish to be treated. I feel that even though four walls imprison my body, I still have a lot to offer mentally and emotionally. I'm a very down to earth person; understanding, open mined and a great sense of humor."

spending the rest of his life in prison. california, three strikes. so many of these men are spending the rest of their lives in prison, and many more than that are serving such extraordinarily long sentences that it shocks the crap outta me. Ten years for possession, fraud. Monstrous sentences. Life-ending sentences. People wonder why recidivism is such a problem.

i'm gonna go write a paper. i'm going to remember how glad i am that the cops never caught me. i'm gonna keep these people who have been "forgotten by both friends and family" in my thoughts, even though I don't know exactly what to do about it.

i don't want

a new gf. i want the old one back. that would be much easier and more fun that dealing with a whole new deal. today i almost accidentally came out to my family. "my ex's kid..." caught myself in time. i'm not ready, particularly with the stress cases that make up my familial circle.

something

that annoys the crap out of me: folks who have a hard time taking responsibility for their indiscretions. No big deal, most of the time; however, when it is a w.m. grabbing the reigns of his entitlement and riding off into the sunset it makes me want to puke. Oh, so you think you have the right to leave me hanging at work like this? And when I mention it you're gonna act like i'm being crazy? I WILL KILL YOU. Don't underestimate my craziness, you motherfucker. I won't report you to our boss but I will _NOT_ allow you to act like that. Think again.

i want

to turn this thing off, really. turn the whole relationship thing off. i just wanna live my life. i hate seeing attractive people and thinking about the possibility of some sordid tryst or whatever. I don't want to be sex neg, obviously, i just want my brain to stop tormenting me.

y'know

i don't want to love him anymore. fuck. i want to be done. i want to be free of this. i don't want to care that he's with someone else. if he wasn't with anyone, i probably wouldnt have these shitty feelings. living with her. in our house. shit.

i think thats not the whole of it, though... i am making a decision to not be with anyone right now, to be happy by myself, to work on myself physically/emotionally/artistically- to develop the entire me, the wholistic person. seeing him with her makes me feel utterly alone- like somehow i've failed, he found someone when i couldn't. he is happy and partnered while i am not.

To be completely clear, however, i do not want to be partnered, with anyone. I am specifically steering clear of those entanglements, as much as I feel pulled toward them- I haven't techically been single for more than a couple months since I was.... 19? I think I was nineteen. I am twenty-five now, and unwilling to brave whatever heartbreak or drama or bullshit that might accompany any sort of sexual/romantic engagement. There are too many other things I want to do with my time.

i want everyone to leave me alone. i want this specter of r & my relationship to leave me alone. i can make those decisions... and move on with my life. right?

i'm ready to leave portland, everyone. leave all this shit behind and move on.

why

do i feel like shit? what do i have to be worried about? let's make a list.
- relationship with r & other ppl
- going to grad school
- graduating college
- turning in this grant
- getting good grades this term
- money.
Ok. Good stuff. Ok, so my relationship with r will be what it will be. no more, no less. i have to just be who I am, struggles and all. me, the imperfect package. I'm not applying to grad school this term. SIGH!! SHIT!! SIGH!! I will graduate from college- no matter what- in August. This grant is no biggie. at all. i just have to write a proposal. My grades will most likely be fine, and if I need money I can work more. the end. the end. the end. the end.

i'm tired

of talking to people about my struggles. i just want to make decisions and figure shit out. i don't want to talk about drama anymore. at all. i don't want drama period. just do it, stop talking about it. sigh.
what am i doing? where the fuck am i going? i have not felt this consistently messed up for many years. many years.
i want to get the fuck out of portland. new start. no stigma.

gre score

1200.
not too good
not horrible.
if i take it again...
i need to review how to calculate a slope.
BOOYAH