the shitty first draft

that i've been telling myself this past year, it's so well run in my head its so far past a first draft, it's like a well worn trail in the deep dark woods of my brain i've walked it so often, obsessively.

basically, after rwc, i feel totally incompetent. lacking integrity. i feel like i've so completely compromised myself i don't know how to get back, and that this story i've told everyone about how i was trying to right the ship... i know i was, but i was also so deep with the kids and trying to stay above water with the basic finances, i know that i wasn't doing everything i should. i didn't try hard enough. i didn't force the issue. i didn't do enough. i allowed other people to run over me. and it's not the first time.

and i am telling myself that I'm an awful parent. i really am. i hurt fina yesterday with my words. and i couldn't stop myself. and i feel so much shame and embarrassment and fear, i don't want her to hate herself and feel shameful because i lost my shit yesterday. twice. i just couldn't handle life. i couldn't handle being a parent. i hated myself. and inside i feel like i hate myself more for it. and how do i help her with the shame i've given her??? how do i help her discharge?? i'm just such a piece of shit. i wish i could be a better mom, a better friend to her. someone she could count on, that she didn't have to tiptoe around. i can't be a time bomb for her i need to be dependable. but no one has been able to depend on me.

no one has been able to depend on me, i'm basically a piece of shit. the story that i've made up-- my deepest, darkest story about myself-- is that i'm totally worthless. i got my family into the business and i allowed the business to fail. i'm a shitty alcoholic that has exposed her kids to awful behaviors. the story that i've made up about myself is that i've ruined everythign and shown everyone what a piece of shit i am and there's no way back, and even if I try i'm still going to be a totally shitty parent.

this is the story i've made up. i desperately don't want it to be true. but i'm so afraid that it is. and i'm so ashamed of myself and what i've done.

the most important thing i need to do is find and keep my center. because i've been knocked down to the ground, and i need to RISE. Rise stronger, better than I was before. and that is going to take some serious self-reflection, and probably more sacrifice.

ok so now, how do i rumble this?? gotta wade in, somehow, to this horrible dark stuff.