forever.
right now i feel like jon doesn't want me to take care of myself. i'm feeling resentful, a little bit. he works so much and can't do a whole lot else and i feel like he just wants me to suffer too.
i'm telling myself this story, that i might not ever accomplish anything. that i'm too broken, that i'll never have the time or the drive to make it happen. that i'll just be lazy and stuck and fucked up and fat and ugly and getting so old every day.
and that i don't have the energy to have the discipline. that without discipline-- which i've never had anyway-- i will just keep us in the loop of mediocrity, depending on others, mired in debt.
basically, i'm a piece of shit. a mediocre, addicted piece of shit. i can't stop watching shitty tv to dull the pain and the angry voices in my head. i can't focus. i can't i can't i can't i can't.
getting curious about these feelings---
where do they come from?
- EC sexual abuse
- general sexism
- failure at RWF
- class oppression/capitalism. failure to win in a system i hate.
- sizeism/parent oppression!!!!!
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he said, "can i be completely honest?" my stomach jumped, preparing. "yeah." i responded. "of course." "i...
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i don't want to love him anymore. fuck. i want to be done. i want to be free of this. i don't want to care that he's with someon...
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of talking to people about my struggles. i just want to make decisions and figure shit out. i don't want to talk about drama anymore. at...
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