It's been a long, difficult year. and honestly i've lost myself some along the way-- gotten stuck in a mire of shoulds and self doubt that sometimes becomes more than just toxic. It's positively eroding me. I'm diving into brené brown in an effort to find strategies to uncover myself, to reform these shitty asshole voices driving me down, and honestly making me do shitty things to the people i love best. so this is my shitty first draft, where i put down all the shitty things i think of myself right now and how it impacts my behavior. Awesome.

I lost my shit yesterday with Fina and i'm terrified that I shamed her. i am stuck in this loop of self hate and annoyance, and things are heightened again since Jimmy died. i really loved him. i didn't go to the memorial. and that really hurts. i should have gone. really, i feel like i'm a shithead asshole who doesn't care about her loved ones. and then i hurt Fina because i'm so fucking exhausted from a week of sickness and sleepless nights and guests and huge dinners in my tiny house and etc.