goals

"An extremely awake 2/3 is someone whose generosity is so continuous and so genuine that it seems to be an inseparable part of the personality. Never is there even the tiniest hint that anything is expected in return -- in fact, extremely advanced 2/3 sometimes becomes so good at giving that the recipient never finds out where the help came from (or even that it has happened). 2/3 saints somehow encourage the universe to shower gifts on others. Generosity comes through them, not from them."

more SFD forever

today i did pretty well. Actually got through a lot of laundry. I didn't hate on myself as much as i have been for the past year. I've been rumbling with things-- with my shame about RWF in particular. I spoke with Jon the other night and it was so wonderful to see how shocked he was at the things i've been telling myself. i cried, i was honest, and he really comforted me. i saw that he doesn't blame me, and that was surprising.

but it's still in there, the voice. it still whispers at me, even on the good days. it's the voice that says, you're doing good, today. today is good. despite it all. despite what you've done. despite how you've fucked up your family and your finances.

how am i rumbling? this is the real question. a session on Monday. processing with Jon. Facing what's really happening. getting clear on what's actually happening--

getting curious. noticing what's real, and what it's really about.

quieting the voices that make up all the stories.

my mission statement

to lead my life in the present with discipline, love and compassion in service to my community, family and partner.

EDIT: to lead my life with confidence and clear boundaries in the present moment with discipine, love and compassion in service to my family, partner and community.

mother, daughter, partner, niece, business comrade, anti racist, activist, leader.

i need a rudder. something to remind me where and how i'm going.

this should help.

more sfd. this might be the thing

forever.

right now i feel like jon doesn't want me to take care of myself. i'm feeling resentful, a little bit. he works so much and can't do a whole lot else and i feel like he just wants me to suffer too.

i'm telling myself this story, that i might not ever accomplish anything. that i'm too broken, that i'll never have the time or the drive to make it happen. that i'll just be lazy and stuck and fucked up and fat and ugly and getting so old every day.

and that i don't have the energy to have the discipline. that without discipline-- which i've never had anyway-- i will just keep us in the loop of mediocrity, depending on others, mired in debt.

basically, i'm a piece of shit. a mediocre, addicted piece of shit. i can't stop watching shitty tv to dull the pain and the angry voices in my head. i can't focus. i can't i can't i can't i can't.

getting curious about these feelings---
where do they come from?
- EC sexual abuse
- general sexism
- failure at RWF
- class oppression/capitalism. failure to win in a system i hate.
- sizeism/parent oppression!!!!!

the shitty first draft

that i've been telling myself this past year, it's so well run in my head its so far past a first draft, it's like a well worn trail in the deep dark woods of my brain i've walked it so often, obsessively.

basically, after rwc, i feel totally incompetent. lacking integrity. i feel like i've so completely compromised myself i don't know how to get back, and that this story i've told everyone about how i was trying to right the ship... i know i was, but i was also so deep with the kids and trying to stay above water with the basic finances, i know that i wasn't doing everything i should. i didn't try hard enough. i didn't force the issue. i didn't do enough. i allowed other people to run over me. and it's not the first time.

and i am telling myself that I'm an awful parent. i really am. i hurt fina yesterday with my words. and i couldn't stop myself. and i feel so much shame and embarrassment and fear, i don't want her to hate herself and feel shameful because i lost my shit yesterday. twice. i just couldn't handle life. i couldn't handle being a parent. i hated myself. and inside i feel like i hate myself more for it. and how do i help her with the shame i've given her??? how do i help her discharge?? i'm just such a piece of shit. i wish i could be a better mom, a better friend to her. someone she could count on, that she didn't have to tiptoe around. i can't be a time bomb for her i need to be dependable. but no one has been able to depend on me.

no one has been able to depend on me, i'm basically a piece of shit. the story that i've made up-- my deepest, darkest story about myself-- is that i'm totally worthless. i got my family into the business and i allowed the business to fail. i'm a shitty alcoholic that has exposed her kids to awful behaviors. the story that i've made up about myself is that i've ruined everythign and shown everyone what a piece of shit i am and there's no way back, and even if I try i'm still going to be a totally shitty parent.

this is the story i've made up. i desperately don't want it to be true. but i'm so afraid that it is. and i'm so ashamed of myself and what i've done.

the most important thing i need to do is find and keep my center. because i've been knocked down to the ground, and i need to RISE. Rise stronger, better than I was before. and that is going to take some serious self-reflection, and probably more sacrifice.

ok so now, how do i rumble this?? gotta wade in, somehow, to this horrible dark stuff.

It's been a long, difficult year. and honestly i've lost myself some along the way-- gotten stuck in a mire of shoulds and self doubt that sometimes becomes more than just toxic. It's positively eroding me. I'm diving into brené brown in an effort to find strategies to uncover myself, to reform these shitty asshole voices driving me down, and honestly making me do shitty things to the people i love best. so this is my shitty first draft, where i put down all the shitty things i think of myself right now and how it impacts my behavior. Awesome.

I lost my shit yesterday with Fina and i'm terrified that I shamed her. i am stuck in this loop of self hate and annoyance, and things are heightened again since Jimmy died. i really loved him. i didn't go to the memorial. and that really hurts. i should have gone. really, i feel like i'm a shithead asshole who doesn't care about her loved ones. and then i hurt Fina because i'm so fucking exhausted from a week of sickness and sleepless nights and guests and huge dinners in my tiny house and etc.

white supremacists and military colonialism

it's getting hot in the belly of the beast.

tiki torches wielded by nazis
while the US offers Guam up on a platter

a sacrifice for international experiments
about north korean power.

it's not a quiet rise
these white men
awkward
pale men

he stands behind a podium
threatening folks
thousands
hundreds of thousands
brown people of the pacific

while subtly
not so subtly patting the
backs of his
awkward brethren

who killed
a woman
in the name of their
nazi work

his podium
hiding his
incontinence.

incompetence

so when we talk about

reaching out to white supremacist folks, saving the souls of white people, bringing each other into multiracial movements. This is critical, this is an important statement. BUT.

there is a HUGE gap between our thinking, our writing, and our action. What does it really mean to get out there, to have a conversation with someone with DEEPLY different beliefs, and work to bring them along to your perspective?? What does it look like to dig deep, put yourself aside, and really fucking listen to shit that tears your heart out? Find those niches, the little places in someone's perspective, to get a handhold and open up a crack of doubt for that person, a place to let some new thinking in? How many of us really put ourselves on the line to make that happen?

how many of us are scared to go talk to a nazi?

i am. i've talked to nazis. in the depths of fucking fresno, i've knocked on nazi doors and looked a nazi in the face and worked to bring them into the union. i was scared shitless. but i did it. because everyone fucking belongs in the union. i didn't want to do it again.

i'm scared of violence. i'm scared of their guns and their fists and their hatred. i'm fucking scared. but you know what going to jail taught me, getting chased by security guards taught me, talking to scary people taught me? that I WILL SURVIVE IT, partially because I'M FUCKING WHITE.

where are we, white organizers? what are we putting out there? how are we putting ourselves on the line to end white supremacy? what is the bootcamp for us? the union was my bootcamp. my lead was a white socialist anti-racist. my coworkers were intersectional organizers. i was fucking blessed to be at UHW-West. It made me a better person, mostly.

let's do a bootcamp, ya'll. let's get serious with outreach to each other. it's not just rural organizing. it's door to door in our neighborhoods. it's in our workplaces. it's in our schools, colleges. let's expect a lot from each other. let's push each other, want to be the best at turning nazis into not nazis.

militant organizations committed to ending white supremacy.

living with a

wounded heart. i don't think I ever believed that life could be so deeply fraught. There is something deeply terrifying about now. i cannot imagine what will happen, as I could never have imagined what has happened. in any way. it's all a confusion of shock. we know we cannot predict, but we cannot be prepared for the shock of life, as it comes at you, unexpected.

i am so aware now that I have not been living my life. i've been here, kind of, in and out in a sort of fugue state. i cope with whatever i can. anything but substances. i've been able to at least stay sober.

and at least I can see it now. i carry lots of guilt. i carry so much guilt and sorrow and loss about this. there is also relief, though it is fleeting.

i know, in my gut, that we are blessed to not be in the situation anymore. we can get out with bankruptcy. we will move on, we are moving on. what they do i cannot even contemplate. i try to keep it from my mind. i try to keep them from my mind.

and everything else. everything else. melting. cooling. heating. flooding. fires. too much to list. and two children to wonder if they'll have a future.

how can i focus on the debt, the simple debt, when this is what we truly face?

get it off your plate. especially the ugly stuff. just do it quickly and move on.

the most important thing i can do now is think well about what is truly happening here. how can i apply positive mental health habits and be a better person? today was not a day i was proud of. i was short with my children.

i need to be reflective, and honest with myself. the first step is writing every night. being reflective on each day. so that the next can be better than the last.