living with a

wounded heart. i don't think I ever believed that life could be so deeply fraught. There is something deeply terrifying about now. i cannot imagine what will happen, as I could never have imagined what has happened. in any way. it's all a confusion of shock. we know we cannot predict, but we cannot be prepared for the shock of life, as it comes at you, unexpected.

i am so aware now that I have not been living my life. i've been here, kind of, in and out in a sort of fugue state. i cope with whatever i can. anything but substances. i've been able to at least stay sober.

and at least I can see it now. i carry lots of guilt. i carry so much guilt and sorrow and loss about this. there is also relief, though it is fleeting.

i know, in my gut, that we are blessed to not be in the situation anymore. we can get out with bankruptcy. we will move on, we are moving on. what they do i cannot even contemplate. i try to keep it from my mind. i try to keep them from my mind.

and everything else. everything else. melting. cooling. heating. flooding. fires. too much to list. and two children to wonder if they'll have a future.

how can i focus on the debt, the simple debt, when this is what we truly face?

get it off your plate. especially the ugly stuff. just do it quickly and move on.

the most important thing i can do now is think well about what is truly happening here. how can i apply positive mental health habits and be a better person? today was not a day i was proud of. i was short with my children.

i need to be reflective, and honest with myself. the first step is writing every night. being reflective on each day. so that the next can be better than the last.