being committed to what I do-- having a passion for what I provide is really important to me.

What will it take for me to get more hyped?

My license. Deeper knowledge of the industry.

How will I be helping people?
- Illuminating the path to financial confidence
- Leading towards personal breakthroughs around finances and investing
- Developing skill to lead your life in the most powerful direction you can imagine, with the foundation of economic confidence
-

At Momentum we work to animate your ability to lead your life with economic confidence. Our job is to help illuminate the path to scaling your finances toward wealth and financial freedom, one step at a time. We use individually curated, tested techniques to focus intention and build accountability for your objectives.

I may be letting go. of the possibility of what we currently know continuing. that there is any hope of a future that looks like the one I imagined for my children.

making a decision to be better.

every moment every day.

this is a moment i can strive for perfection--

understanding that i may always fall short,

but that it is the effort that makes

life beautiful.

it's like every teachable moment is turned into a knife.

something to twist and turn.

how am i supposed to understand this situation when you cannot HEAR me?????????????

how am i supposed to get better at understanding this work when you cannot HEAR ME??

what i needed in that moment:
- For you to listen and hear me and have compassion and an open heart/mind.
- For you to ask questions, not interrupt, get clear on what's happening.
- For you to back me. Believe in me. to encourage me and when you get nervous, back up and realize that we're working it out together.

I feel like Brock's addiction won today.

I also feel like I need to be completely honest with Jeff.

this moment

is life and death and rape and birth
and so much all tied up into
a single imaging session.

it's amazing what one pelvic
and transvaginal
ultrasound will do

there should be a trigger warning

i do feel like i need a deep, dark cry

one to release the fear
of the past and the possible future
who has trespassed
and what that impact still
may
be
to
me

are you really still taking my moments from me?

and yet there is strength

i birthed babies
i grew them and nourished them and loved them
inside me
and through that tunnel
they found their first breaths

i did that too

it's not all rape.
it's not all death.

it's not

writing in all the slivers of time

i have been thinking a lot about the words in my head. the moments that strike me and the words that I lose-- the words I have lost, the meaning that I have allowed to slip away. Its almost as though i have left that part of me-- the part of me committed to communicating and expressing the meaning of my moments-- died. It left that work to others.

the unexamined life is a meaningless one.

so the question that has to guide me now-- how is this moment expressing the meaning of this life that i have? the significance of this small travel, that is in its essence absolutely meaningless and enormously important all at once.

paint self care for me.

I listen to calming music or podcasts during the day.

I walk, every hour, every day.

I walk longer during my lunch break.

I smile and listen when others are discharging.

I do not internalize other people's feelings.

I create, follow and evaluate my 411 every day.

in the thick

of some crazy constant drama. it feels sometimes like there's nowhere to turn, that i have no respite. but that's not true-- there are stretches where I am thankful nothing totally shitty is happening, that i am getting to be a better person, that i am working slowly and consistently toward a better life.

i have learned so much in the last few days. I've learned a lot about myself. i've learned a lot about the people around me. and it's because instead of running i've rumbled. i've listened to the advice and i've gone to the places that I don't want to go. Instead of running I stayed, but without bitterness, and I was received with love and hope. And honestly. It was refreshing, and terrifying, if I am totally honest.

this coming week.

take nothing personally.

be deep in the knowledge that i can fix my mistakes.

i love myself.

i love myself.

i love myself, and any reaction that others have to me and my light is a reflection only of their own feelings, needs and problems.
+++
i am no victim of life. i shape change.
change is my daily reality. i determine the path my steps take. 

i practice what i want to become.
each day I am becoming more patient, more calm, more present, more loving. 

we practice what we want to create.
we practice what we want to create. we practice what we want to create. 

i remember that i exist only in relationship to other people and systems.
when i live in self love i show others the love that they also deserve.

i accept that I cannot change others, but I can hold standards for my own life.
I have healthy boundaries and I communicate them with love and self-acceptance. 

i willingly engage in and support transformative justice processes for accountability and getting in right relationship.
i forgive. i take responsibility. i make right. i decide to completely accept my shame as part of my healing.

i create more possibilities in the face of scarcity thinking.
when my mind feels constricted and I am triggered, i open my mind and my heart to allow for powerful vulnerability. transformation is on the other side of my fear. 

I act from and towards love.

I act from and towards love.

SFD- work

right now i am feeling inadequate and angry
the story that i am telling myself is that he doesn't think i'm good enough or smart enought
the story i'm telling myself is that i'm just a peon and he doesn't trust me

So we sat down. We had a conversation. I really thought that we had some things figured out, and that we had established some standards for each other's conduct with each other. I came in this morning ready for that new process, ready to bring my calm and measured self, ready to be straightforward and clear and honest.

In our interaction i felt that Jeff was dismissive, demeaning, aggressive and frustrated. When he said, are you really... blah blah blah in that tone my brain said NOT OK. ABSOLUTELY NOT OK. and in the past, i would have gone and felt shitty about it for a while and been afraid of him coming up behind me or been worried about making it better.

I really don't want people to talk to me in dismissive, derisive tones. Also, it seems like he can be explosive and unpredictable. I have enough of that at home, honestly. "minefield environments breed trauma."

I have been feeling intimidated and afraid at work. I am afraid of making mistakes and Jeff's reaction.

I have led a lot of people. Perhaps hundreds. The only person I spoke to this way was Peter Mohr, who was a fucking idiot and never actually did anything I asked him to, and I could never honestly evaluate his turf.

So basically, when you talk to me in that way what I hear is, "why aren't you actually working? why won't you follow directions? why won't you help the team??" I hear disrespect, patriarchy.

One of the overall and more disturbing issues, tho, is the assumption in the question: Are you really going to keep using these words after i've said I hate them?

Why yes. yes I am. I am using these words to explain to you how we can get to some new words. Even without that explanation the assumption that I will be quiet and suddenly stop with something you dislike just because you said you don't like it is deeply problematic. There's a power assumption there larger than employer-employee, even bigger than parent-child. It's really patriarchal. I am the man, I say what gets said, and if you keep saying it i get to get ANGRY.

Then the statement: I don't want to get grouchy.

Because you don't want me to get grouchy, because then I aim my feelings at you and that's awful for you all day and you're on eggshells.

What do I want?

I have really wanted this job to work. I thought that my relationship with Jeff was stronger and more honest than it apparently is. I asked him how he was. He said good. He's obviously not good, or our relationship is problematic, or something, because why else would this happen??

It seems like this job is not working. And I want it to work.

i just keep rumbling and I cannot find the revolution here. Where is the redemption???? How do I make this relationship better?? How can I change so it is better? What do I have to do, or feel???

what is the thing that is most challenging to do.

In this situation: draw your boundaries.

walking away is easy.

staying and allowing abuse is my normal.

staying and being clear about what is and is not ok and enforcing those boundaries is the hardest thing.

because i am afraid of anger and being rejected.

encourage honesty: not brutality, but honesty.