SFD- work

right now i am feeling inadequate and angry
the story that i am telling myself is that he doesn't think i'm good enough or smart enought
the story i'm telling myself is that i'm just a peon and he doesn't trust me

So we sat down. We had a conversation. I really thought that we had some things figured out, and that we had established some standards for each other's conduct with each other. I came in this morning ready for that new process, ready to bring my calm and measured self, ready to be straightforward and clear and honest.

In our interaction i felt that Jeff was dismissive, demeaning, aggressive and frustrated. When he said, are you really... blah blah blah in that tone my brain said NOT OK. ABSOLUTELY NOT OK. and in the past, i would have gone and felt shitty about it for a while and been afraid of him coming up behind me or been worried about making it better.

I really don't want people to talk to me in dismissive, derisive tones. Also, it seems like he can be explosive and unpredictable. I have enough of that at home, honestly. "minefield environments breed trauma."

I have been feeling intimidated and afraid at work. I am afraid of making mistakes and Jeff's reaction.

I have led a lot of people. Perhaps hundreds. The only person I spoke to this way was Peter Mohr, who was a fucking idiot and never actually did anything I asked him to, and I could never honestly evaluate his turf.

So basically, when you talk to me in that way what I hear is, "why aren't you actually working? why won't you follow directions? why won't you help the team??" I hear disrespect, patriarchy.

One of the overall and more disturbing issues, tho, is the assumption in the question: Are you really going to keep using these words after i've said I hate them?

Why yes. yes I am. I am using these words to explain to you how we can get to some new words. Even without that explanation the assumption that I will be quiet and suddenly stop with something you dislike just because you said you don't like it is deeply problematic. There's a power assumption there larger than employer-employee, even bigger than parent-child. It's really patriarchal. I am the man, I say what gets said, and if you keep saying it i get to get ANGRY.

Then the statement: I don't want to get grouchy.

Because you don't want me to get grouchy, because then I aim my feelings at you and that's awful for you all day and you're on eggshells.

What do I want?

I have really wanted this job to work. I thought that my relationship with Jeff was stronger and more honest than it apparently is. I asked him how he was. He said good. He's obviously not good, or our relationship is problematic, or something, because why else would this happen??

It seems like this job is not working. And I want it to work.

i just keep rumbling and I cannot find the revolution here. Where is the redemption???? How do I make this relationship better?? How can I change so it is better? What do I have to do, or feel???

what is the thing that is most challenging to do.

In this situation: draw your boundaries.

walking away is easy.

staying and allowing abuse is my normal.

staying and being clear about what is and is not ok and enforcing those boundaries is the hardest thing.

because i am afraid of anger and being rejected.

encourage honesty: not brutality, but honesty.