the truth

is that i'm broken right now. there's no real reason for it, other than the obvious. perhaps i simply don't have the stamina and commitment anymore. maybe i just can't take the pressure. or i have just gotten old. i don't know. what i do know, is that this past year has made a mess of me, and the last two months have... regressed me. panicked me. squashed me. scared the living shit out of me.

the truth is that i have only been functioning in two modes: WORK and layingarounddoingnothing. either i GET UP EARLY AND GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND STAY THERE ALL DAY AND WORK WORK WORK or i layinmybedwatchingtelevisionreadingbooksmasturbatingdoingnothing. but more and more it's my inclination to do the latter. when i think about going to the hospital each morning all i feel is dread. all i feel is aversion. all i feel is hopelessness.

the truth is that maybe i was never really into my job anyway. or maybe i was just on the edge of being really good and competent and ready to feel good about the whole thing when THE BIG THING HAPPENED and i had to quit and do it for free, this time not just fighting the boss but fighting another union, too. jeez. this has all been a real adrenaline drain.

and through all of those feelings, I LOVE MY MEMBERS. they can be mean and crazy and wierd and i love them. it's hard to keep a handle on all of them, but in the end, they are loyal and loving and mean and crazy and totally committed to this project. i just hope that i can hold on long enough to see them through it.