i dont suppose

that i will ever live a calm life. at least it doesnt seem like it right now. i'm not given to doing the "right thing," or the "acceptable thing," i do what i think is right and acceptable to me. and i'm not given to feeling guilty, other than when my members guilt me for not completing petty tasks. this ends up creating a fair amount of drama, in my life and the lives of the people around me. i am a walking soap opera.

i suppose that if i just de-drama everything, then it's almost as though these decisions are value-less. they cease to matter. it's like my awkwardness theory-- if you don't think it's dramatic, and you don't engage with other's manifestation of drama, then it can't be drama. just staying centered and calm about everything seems like a better option.

so what am i saying? does it matter if i hurt people, if i don't care about it? what truly matters? what defines the "moral"? what defines "right"? Is it simply a fleeting perception of hurt or righteousness? I'm not sure. Everyone in the world is wandering around with such a similar yet unique set of hurts, affecting the way they percieve how people behave around them. there is almost a pure unreason of it all, an irrationality with which people percieve and judge and get hurt. It almost amounts to a massive clusterfuck-- bound together with the edicts of the overarching institutions of religion and law, projecting a hegemonic idea of morality for us to be righteously indignant about when it's violated.

argh. fuck it if it makes no sense at all.