this is the feeling

that i despise. that worry that i will be cast off, abandoned. I hate liking someone, i really do, it makes me crazy and i don't want to be left

and i don't want to call her. i have this habit of calling when i feel this crazy, and i have to remember what i really want and what's going on; even if she does decide that this is not for her I am ok, and my trajectory continues on its inorexable path. and we will be friends.

if i hate this feeling, why am i feeling it? i am gonna let this one go. right now.

off to the showers.

sometimes i don't know

the answer to that question. am i gay? if the definition of gay is: preference of sexual relationships/love relationships with folks of the same sex, then I am gay. I am gay and I have male lovers, but i prefer the attentions and day-in-day-out of women. I love making love to women, and i adore that period after sex, even with a casual lover, where you connect and cuddle and care for each other. love it. i hate disconnected, fuck-you-like-a-hole-in-the-mattress sort of sex, and how they collapse afterwards while you wonder when the fuck you're gonna get yours.

I don't want to be jaded, but i'm sorry boys, the general rule is that you fuck me as if i'm not there. Sometimes there are exceptions, but even my best boys have done/do that. The general rule with women is that they stay in the room and are excited to have you there too.

I want to be making love to someone, i'm tired of disconnected fucking, even with casual lovers.

for now.

today i am

overstimulated. way too titillated. I am having an extremely difficult time focusing on anything; all I can think about is sex, all i can feel is the slight buzz reverberating through my body. It doesn't help that i keep looking at her friendster page... at all.
goddamnit. i have plenty to do without this preoccupation. I don't think i've been this overwhelmed, physically, in a long time.
I guess i'll go home and work out. perhaps that will help. if i'm lucky.

i am so

wound up I can hardly sit in this chair. I know I have schoolwork to do, and I can't do it yet because I don't have my books; I have writing to do but, again, i'm all wound up. Why, you ask? Well, that would be just a little *too* much to post here right now, my pretty friends.

but of course it has to do with my getting laid.

i am not

very used to delayed gratification. this must be one of the lessons i was meant to learn here...

shit. er.

i went

to the meeting, and sat there *almost* crying the whole time; it was strange to be in a self-help environment without the explicit permission to cry as much as i wanted or needed to.

it's true, people there are very accepting, and there was something overwhelmingly-ridiculously-surprisingly freeing about being in a room with lots of folks who have had similar life experiences and declaring myself. I cried then. I made _the_ decision. For today. I feel fear & anxiety about the possibility of looking crazy and losing people, while i feel powerful in this decision that I believe will be the best for me; it's the next step in my personal liberation. I believe that.

i did this, i made this mess, and i've picked myself up and decided to move the fuck on into a different future for myself. shit.

sigh.

i've really fucked this one up. i'm feeling so frikin shitty about my stupidass behavior that i kinda wanna just stay in my room forever. obviously, the situation would not be helped by my self hate, however, and I have to work to make this better- in whatever way she wants me to. i am feeling: ultra embarrassed, overwhelmed, guilty, and more than anything I am feeling shocked at myself and disappointed in how I lost control of that damaging thing that's had me in its clutches before--- the drink. so here i go, launching on another period of sobriety and self-reflection, hoping to regain my hold on myself. i guess i'm always gonna struggle with this.

i'm so lucky to have friends that are willing to call me out and require my accountability; and I have faith in my community to always kick me back into line. I promise, however, that they won't always have to. i promise. i'm so sorry. not that it helps any.

you know what sucks even more? i hate the feeling that r might have always been right about me, and everytime i do something stupid like this that old feeling comes back and I hear his remonstrations regarding my behaviors. i want those messages out of my head- i really don't think they help me any.

well i've

gone and been an asshole again. the drinking has become a problem, just this past week or so. Since new years. Since amy and i went to little tokyo. So, now, I have to decide not to drink again. Sigh. I can do a month- and I want to. I'm sorry, k, for being so insensitive.
I'm not a very good drunk anymore. This whole "general moderation" thing has made it difficult to be a good heavy drinker. Maybe I was never very good at it, though, and i'm just mature enough to notice how stupid I am now.

something has

changed. i feel differently about where i am and what I am doing. i told them on our last morning together that my heart had shifted from pdx to sfc; i am looking with all too much bated breath for my future away from portland. i am plagued: what if its not what we want it to be? what if those four days together was some blessed pocket of time, destined to be just that- an isolated incident? then I calm myself; the love i feel from and for them is deep, has an identifiable history marked by trial and triumph. that history and committment makes our collective and individual connections more than fleeting experiences. right?
hey, guys? i am missing the crap out of you right now.