it's a little fucked up

that i know deep inside that our love for each other started to wane about a year ago, we hung on because the memory of true love was burned into our most tender flesh
there was a time that i was so tolerant
of all the shit i can't stand now
that's why it all died
i never gave in to demands

our arguments are so different now
because i've shut doors
and as soon as we approach them
i shut it down, turn away
i don't wanna go over the same shit
over and over and over
in the same damn way

i just want it to end

today i feel

better. i pounded out the work i had to do at work, i pounded at the stairmaster at the gym, i pounded out a curriculum on direct action with L. we're awfully good at developing curriculi. i pounded that uselessness right out of me- no more, hit it with a hammer, it shatters, i feel powerful until it comes shattered back to my belly. no, work out, work hard, think about the future. no no no.

nonetheless. no mopey hanging about the house for me. maybe next week.

there is a friend i have who i think is back on a wagon i left a few years back, and it scares me a little. i hate that wagon (loveit) and have been running from it (watchingitpullaway) for so long.... it's so hard for me to handle this person's indulgence when i never let myself go there, if i even got close i would hit myself with much larger and pointy hammers than those that i use against my hopelessness. i will increase my distance from this situation. i have saved myself and thats all i can fucking do, damnit.

fuck

all of it. today i feel fat and ugly and lazy and i got an email back from jw that essentially said "you're second on my list to house in ny" and damned if i didnt feel put off and fucked up and there was some sort of wierd assumption that i wanted to sleep in his bed when all i wanted was hospitality... this is the second blow off i've gotten in nyc and i feel resourceless and unhappy about it... i'm just out of cycle with that city right now.

i have some strange pipe dream that in n.c. there will be a person that will make me feel loved and ok even though he has traditionally not done such a thing, in fact has a bruised and battered track record with me, but somehow i still idolize and love him and expect that every time i see him he will be open and loving and ready. sometimes he is not but there is a comforting sense of belonging when i am with him and mimi, a sense that i am now with my people and i don't have to try anymore that i can just be.

hmm. time to work now. enough of my selfsorrow bullshit.

it's been a little while

and i get the feeling that it doesn't matter. i don't get any feedback from you voyeurs anyway.

today has been a hard day. after getting the house approved for t and i, after running after housemates & setting it all up & getting the money together i'm burnt on it. i can't wait to move but i want it to happen while i look the other way- i want people to pick it all up around me and move my life, make it better and whole again because in confidence i must tell you i don't know just how whole i can be for you all anymore. i am broken in the middle and all i can think is that if i build my physical strength- my muscle, my body, my stamina- that maybe i'll be able to hold myself together, that maybe i can still hold some semblance of myself in order for those around me.

and it's days like this, where i do not move like i want to where i have messed myself up too much to be the STRONG looking person i want to be, days like this where i lay in bed in pain of one kind or another and shuffle about the house in my blue terry bathrobe that i feel that broken part of me, cutting me up inside my belly the belly i must make strong and fit to withstand this internal assault

but its these days that make me wonder if i can even do the minimum to stay ok

and i think about those i have loved and wonder who next will run their fingers through my hair and tell me that i am loved by them that i am so much that i am needed that i am beautiful and who next will walk with me down the street and hold my hand and look at me that way and think of me well and when i am not around wonder what i am doing and if i am happy

i want to be happy again, and sometimes i kind of think that i am i mean i know that i'm not happy but i feel strong and different and Audrey somehow, even though the loss still rings inside me like a dull bell a bell i never wanted to hear but tolls the return of my life

i will pack my things i will go and i will stand tall as i leave behind so much i have known

including you
yes you