why create

something new when something old fits the purpose.

2016. So many years. I feel so old. And today so worn out. I can't figure out who I am anymore, in the tumult of everyone else, in the aether of my children and my business, it's just me reacting hoping doing cleaning loving raging. I read in a novel recently that if you don't know what you're going to do, you could do anything. this could be both very scary and very hopeful-- i worry, though, that for me it could just be scary.

how, though, do I predetermine my reactions?

perhaps, not react. learn to calm the inside and manage from my heart. i have been realizing lately that my working class upbringing is very difficult. it's angry and it's scared and it's dragging me through the mud and it's so hard to defeat, i can't be the measured sweet proactive person that maybe it's easier for middle class people to manage, i'm so close to the edge of not dragging us all through safely that i just want to scream, holler, throw things, and sometimes i do. and i feel like a complete failure as a mom. i feel like i'm doing to them what was done to me. maybe even worse, because i'm my dad and my mom all rolled into one, the darkness and the depression and the addiction, and i feel so guilty and overwhelmed and alone.

i'm not saying i don't try, because i really do. sometimes i can feel proud of who i am. it's just that lately i look at my daughter and i see how much she needs me and i feel numb and incapable.

so there's that.