i dont suppose

that i will ever live a calm life. at least it doesnt seem like it right now. i'm not given to doing the "right thing," or the "acceptable thing," i do what i think is right and acceptable to me. and i'm not given to feeling guilty, other than when my members guilt me for not completing petty tasks. this ends up creating a fair amount of drama, in my life and the lives of the people around me. i am a walking soap opera.

i suppose that if i just de-drama everything, then it's almost as though these decisions are value-less. they cease to matter. it's like my awkwardness theory-- if you don't think it's dramatic, and you don't engage with other's manifestation of drama, then it can't be drama. just staying centered and calm about everything seems like a better option.

so what am i saying? does it matter if i hurt people, if i don't care about it? what truly matters? what defines the "moral"? what defines "right"? Is it simply a fleeting perception of hurt or righteousness? I'm not sure. Everyone in the world is wandering around with such a similar yet unique set of hurts, affecting the way they percieve how people behave around them. there is almost a pure unreason of it all, an irrationality with which people percieve and judge and get hurt. It almost amounts to a massive clusterfuck-- bound together with the edicts of the overarching institutions of religion and law, projecting a hegemonic idea of morality for us to be righteously indignant about when it's violated.

argh. fuck it if it makes no sense at all.

ok so

i've been pretty trapped in my burnout for a while now, and while i have not really emerged from that burnout at all, i am feeling a strange excitement for fighting this fight today. feelings like this have to be acknowledged, due to their infrequency. really what i want is to not be encased in fear any more, and to have energy and purpose for this struggle. Earlier this week i was almost dying. Maybe because it's saturday I feel better-- or maybe because I have plans to spend time with non-union folks today.

honestly, that always helps.

turns out

that it's true. it's hard to write, but it is so much harder to not write.

the truth

is that i'm broken right now. there's no real reason for it, other than the obvious. perhaps i simply don't have the stamina and commitment anymore. maybe i just can't take the pressure. or i have just gotten old. i don't know. what i do know, is that this past year has made a mess of me, and the last two months have... regressed me. panicked me. squashed me. scared the living shit out of me.

the truth is that i have only been functioning in two modes: WORK and layingarounddoingnothing. either i GET UP EARLY AND GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND STAY THERE ALL DAY AND WORK WORK WORK or i layinmybedwatchingtelevisionreadingbooksmasturbatingdoingnothing. but more and more it's my inclination to do the latter. when i think about going to the hospital each morning all i feel is dread. all i feel is aversion. all i feel is hopelessness.

the truth is that maybe i was never really into my job anyway. or maybe i was just on the edge of being really good and competent and ready to feel good about the whole thing when THE BIG THING HAPPENED and i had to quit and do it for free, this time not just fighting the boss but fighting another union, too. jeez. this has all been a real adrenaline drain.

and through all of those feelings, I LOVE MY MEMBERS. they can be mean and crazy and wierd and i love them. it's hard to keep a handle on all of them, but in the end, they are loyal and loving and mean and crazy and totally committed to this project. i just hope that i can hold on long enough to see them through it.