jeez

i am perhaps simply not used to being rejected. sigh. it does kinda blow. but then there are folks who want to hang out with/date me, that i am currently rejecting. is it all some fucked up painful circle where we just kick each other in the face? what the fuck.
hmmph.

i really

don't know. it seems like life is this funny little journey, and sometimes things are hard- super fucking crazy- or else it feels that way, so what are you supposed to do? constantly feel horrible? or just decide that things aren't all that bad?
y'know, it seems like maybe things feel bad even when they're good. in my life right now things are generally going well, lots of recognition for my hard work at school, i have a steady income, i have a great home, i enjoy my work, but for some reason it feels like i should be looking hard for love, like i need to be in love. i think that i have been in love regularly over the last five or so years. before mitch i was always in a multitude of relationships. after high school, i never really needed to be in a relationship, have a boyfriend, etc, partly perhaps because drugs did the deed enough for me.
Regardless, this seems to be a pattern i need to break. i have lots of great friends that i love, and that love me. i don't need to be in a primary relationship. it is nice to have friends whom i fuck- i like being able to have sex occasionally- although perhaps that is something else i should give up. you'd think it was fucking lent or something, with all this giving up...

oh god

this is why i hate smoking weed. i remember all the things about myself that i hate- and then i sit there in creative quandry, wanting to do something pretty and instead just sitting there.

am i looking for something too profound in life? or is my life profound in ways that i can't see? i want to feel challenged and fulfilled, am i simply not challenging nor fulfilling myself? once upon a time in my life i had occasional bouts of severe-ness, periods of time where everything felt so ridiculously too much that i would freak out. they happened very infrequently. now, they seem to be happening weekly.

what the fuck am i supposed to be doing here? i am not making connections with people lately, and it feels like maybe i don't need to be, i have too much else to do- WHICH IS WHY I WANT TO QUIT IT ALL. fuck it. am i living my life? what the hell is living? is it partying and dancing and freaking out, all things that i don't know how to do without alcohol? is it camping and hiking and meditating? is it sewing and talking to folks? is it writing bad blog entries? who the fuck sees this shit anyway?

i don't know what the hell i want. am i some fucking poser who pretends all the fucking time? it feels like i'm pretending all the time. i wonder if other ppl feel like their life is a fucking play, mine is.

it seems like

i wrote some other entries that are no longer here. i dunno.

why are people so damn squirrely? why, when you make yourself available to people, do they seem to sometimes shrink from it like you're offering something terrible?

i have to tell you a secret. i am so afraid that this past weekend in nc was some sort of giant booty call, and that once he got what he needed from me (sex) then it was over or something. oh god, it feels terrible. i keep telling myself that he loves me, he is one of my oldest friends, that of course he cares, but i keep remembering how awkward i felt around his friends, that i could never be as there as they were, that somehow he had much better connections with these men, i couldn't keep up with them, all my fears were realized- i walked into a den of men, another oak street, another trap, where i wasn't good enough to make eye contact with or funny enough to entertain folks or interesting/intelligent enough to make engaging conversation. jeezus am i scared that he has seen that part of me i thought that i had extinguished, that part of me that i thought i had proved didn't exist, some deep inadequate aspect lacking in humanity. i can't imagine my life without him, but what am i supposed to do if we don't have any connection other than a sexual one? what if all of it is gone? am i supposed to just keep going on- and let myself be reduced to this thing? is this all some horrible distress? am i just feeling all that shit that went down with us as kids? no responses to my call/text messages, etc. what the hell am i? i kinda want to just die. i want to run away. i want anything but this rejection, anyone else could reject the hell out of me, anyone but him. i know that's not true, but i have this deep tie to him that i love, and i remember that look on his face as i walked toward the airport doors and it was almost like "you're gonna get on that plane, right?" a skeptical look. god, i wonder how much i'm reading into this.

i don't know if i can do this r thing. it is so fucking hard. it is ripping my heart out. i am an empty fucking chest, open ribs, bleeding all over the ground. i can't get all "sure, we could fall in love again" and then deal with him running fast and hard away from me. it will fucking kill me. i love him too much. i'm gonna hide in my room, forever.

am i condemned to run in circles with these people forever?

the sinking feeling

i miss j. i wonder if i miss j, or if i miss what i wanted to have with j. damn. i was so in the middle of getting ready to be his girlfriend, like, for real. i had just decided to commit to him- and thought we had a mutual agreement to commit, and what the fuck, three days later he runs away. i was wrong; men don’t do the freak out after three weeks, they do it any damn time the commitment fear hits them hard. and you become the bad guy. or girl. or whatever. god, then he starts dating someone right away, it was like he needed to be with someone immediately, and it wasn’t me that he wanted to be with, what the fuck with all of the “i wanna be with you” and commitment-speak in the beginning, what the fuck with all of the super-wanting-to-hang-out crap, like all the time, jeez. i feel kinda used and abused. but then i remember his long frame stalking down the hallway toward me, his herringbone jacket perfect on his frame, his hair framing his face, and i miss the crap out of him.

i wonder if he was trying to hump the bartender at his fave bar the whole time, if he was like waiting for her to dump her boyfriend, or was just maintaining his little romance for when the commitment fear hit him and he could jump to the next new love. it's easier to be in new love than maintain a relationship. and possibly less scary. i understand that. i even feel that.

i wonder if he misses me at all. it sucks to sit and perhaps be the only one missing the relationship, but you know what, fuck it all. i don’t know what to say. i don’t know why he ran away, why he decided to judge me, i remember the look in his eye and the tone in his voice- who are you?- and i didn’t know what to say. i was wearing sweatpants, is that it? i looked tired and scared, was that it? i am SOO tired of wondering whether or not i was woman enough for men, that’s what i love about reed, that its not about me being grrly or femme or whatever but that i am sexy no matter what my gender presentation is, and with david too, i know that when i am strong and careful and even when i look like a big old dyke then i am still a woman, deserving love and care from men. i am bisexual. i am a butchy femme queer, and i want to love men and women, and i don’t want to have to be the typical female role for you to love me. And, I want to be dominated in bed sometimes. This does not contradict my butchy femme presentation. yeh, motherfuckers. what.

oh yeah- this is good-

that man i talked about below- the blind date man, the one who talked too much? the sweet one i met again at j's bday. he and my friend l went on a date, an un-drunk date, and he talked nonstop for almost 5 hours. heheh. that's kinda funny. i guess i won't be dating him at all.

talking about dating, i am feeling *so* unattracted to sex w/men right now. i don't want to even go there. there are two that i am sleeping with, three, kind of, but i can't help but think that really, what i want right now, is a woman. a girlfriend, a fun one.

i am getting a little bit

nervous. about going. especially after finding that my ticket was not reserved for the days that i had reported to n- i am particularly embarrassed. and soon i will be in an environment that might be a little rough for me to take sans crutch, aka, alcohol or something similar. i want to stick to this decision. i have decided, already, to do it. enough bitching and moaning about being afraid of it.

oh fuck, who am i? i am not the person i was six months ago, two years ago, five years ago. i am different, overwhelmingly so. hmmph. perhaps i'm overreacting. i tend to do that when i smoke.

did i tell you that i was/am a drug addict? Recovering, of course, after a long bout with methamphetamine. I wasn't the sort of dope addict you normally run across, not until the end, i had a boyfriend who had no idea for over 6 months. he went back to the east coast never knowing. i was good, thin, but not too thin, i ate food all the time, had *great* grades in high school, later maintained a *great* job, had lovers and lots of fun. but i was high the whole time. and now i'm *attempting* some sort of period of time away from alcohol. i have become someone very different, i have my eye on something, my future, i guess. i want something for myself, something rich and diverse and challenging.