white supremacists and military colonialism

it's getting hot in the belly of the beast.

tiki torches wielded by nazis
while the US offers Guam up on a platter

a sacrifice for international experiments
about north korean power.

it's not a quiet rise
these white men
awkward
pale men

he stands behind a podium
threatening folks
thousands
hundreds of thousands
brown people of the pacific

while subtly
not so subtly patting the
backs of his
awkward brethren

who killed
a woman
in the name of their
nazi work

his podium
hiding his
incontinence.

incompetence

so when we talk about

reaching out to white supremacist folks, saving the souls of white people, bringing each other into multiracial movements. This is critical, this is an important statement. BUT.

there is a HUGE gap between our thinking, our writing, and our action. What does it really mean to get out there, to have a conversation with someone with DEEPLY different beliefs, and work to bring them along to your perspective?? What does it look like to dig deep, put yourself aside, and really fucking listen to shit that tears your heart out? Find those niches, the little places in someone's perspective, to get a handhold and open up a crack of doubt for that person, a place to let some new thinking in? How many of us really put ourselves on the line to make that happen?

how many of us are scared to go talk to a nazi?

i am. i've talked to nazis. in the depths of fucking fresno, i've knocked on nazi doors and looked a nazi in the face and worked to bring them into the union. i was scared shitless. but i did it. because everyone fucking belongs in the union. i didn't want to do it again.

i'm scared of violence. i'm scared of their guns and their fists and their hatred. i'm fucking scared. but you know what going to jail taught me, getting chased by security guards taught me, talking to scary people taught me? that I WILL SURVIVE IT, partially because I'M FUCKING WHITE.

where are we, white organizers? what are we putting out there? how are we putting ourselves on the line to end white supremacy? what is the bootcamp for us? the union was my bootcamp. my lead was a white socialist anti-racist. my coworkers were intersectional organizers. i was fucking blessed to be at UHW-West. It made me a better person, mostly.

let's do a bootcamp, ya'll. let's get serious with outreach to each other. it's not just rural organizing. it's door to door in our neighborhoods. it's in our workplaces. it's in our schools, colleges. let's expect a lot from each other. let's push each other, want to be the best at turning nazis into not nazis.

militant organizations committed to ending white supremacy.

living with a

wounded heart. i don't think I ever believed that life could be so deeply fraught. There is something deeply terrifying about now. i cannot imagine what will happen, as I could never have imagined what has happened. in any way. it's all a confusion of shock. we know we cannot predict, but we cannot be prepared for the shock of life, as it comes at you, unexpected.

i am so aware now that I have not been living my life. i've been here, kind of, in and out in a sort of fugue state. i cope with whatever i can. anything but substances. i've been able to at least stay sober.

and at least I can see it now. i carry lots of guilt. i carry so much guilt and sorrow and loss about this. there is also relief, though it is fleeting.

i know, in my gut, that we are blessed to not be in the situation anymore. we can get out with bankruptcy. we will move on, we are moving on. what they do i cannot even contemplate. i try to keep it from my mind. i try to keep them from my mind.

and everything else. everything else. melting. cooling. heating. flooding. fires. too much to list. and two children to wonder if they'll have a future.

how can i focus on the debt, the simple debt, when this is what we truly face?

get it off your plate. especially the ugly stuff. just do it quickly and move on.

the most important thing i can do now is think well about what is truly happening here. how can i apply positive mental health habits and be a better person? today was not a day i was proud of. i was short with my children.

i need to be reflective, and honest with myself. the first step is writing every night. being reflective on each day. so that the next can be better than the last.