baby

i kinda hope you read this thing. i don't really feel like i can talk to you right now- not that you wouldn't hear, but I don't think i could speak. i feel like my tongue has been ripped from my mouth, i cant say anything when i see your face at the end of the phone, i can feel your lips through the microoptic length between us and i get breathless, formless, i melt inarticulate. i think about your body and your breath, the in out of your chest smooth against your milky skin
i am breathless formless inarticulated against the force and beauty of you. against the knowledge i confront that keeps us alone in our separate worlds on the other end of the phone distinct and distant
i am sorry i can't think or do anything else right now i can only think of me and i cannot help but be that selfish thing this moment is a crucial ladder rung
to get me up and out
i am already though i know no need to say it

fuck

i didn't break up with her because i don't want to be with her.
or: i broke up with her for reasons other than not wanting to be with her.
or: i want to be with this amazing woman that i just broke up with.

you might be asking, so why did you break up, then?
- because i really can't commit over this year. at all. i realized that i really don't want to. i have a dream that i'm chasing down, really it's not just a dream, it is a damn good reality and i don't want to have a partner of any sort when i move outta this lovely little town. i want to go and live on 500 a month and worry just about my own well being, not the well being of anyone else.
- I don't want to process all the time about the possibility/likelyhood of breaking up in a year.
- I don't want to be pushed away all the time because i'm going away. that night, as she lay next to me stock still and unresponsive i felt sad and alone, ice, far away. She said that there are parts that she's not showing me; places that she will not go. that statement made me want to die. die. die. die. die. die. die. die. I HATE being held at arm's length.
- she is sad. if i'm dictating these terms, how can she be happy? if they are not terms she likes, how can she be happy? if it's all about me getting what i need and not about her, how can she be happy? if she wants a long term relationship, and i can't do that, how can she be happy?
- the prospect of building resentment between us scares the crap outta me.

god i miss her already. thanner says that we can still be in each other's lives, that it will all be ok, that i can still.... oh fuck it. i'm not happy.

she's beautiful, isn't she?

i am freaking out

i think i did the right thing.
when does one know?

the missing has started already
i somehow can't imagine my life without you
when before i thought maybe it would be
better that way
for both of us

two people:
loving each other
on different paths
or not so different after all
we're all human, right? struggling together to more deeply understand ourselves and our places. she asked me tonite: where did i go? all the things i have told her i'm running away from. toward something, some ultimate freedom i am so afraid of losing

i can't stop thinking about movies with you, about driving in the car with you, moments shared eyes locked one place where we both can live for right now, that pretty and comfortable and pleasing place, where vulnerability and self are revealed majestically

i told her to not care about the future. but now all of the sudden i care so much about the turnout. i celebrate and look forward to my solitary adventure in a year, and i don't want to compromise that vision- i don't want that vision to change. and she wants something i don't want. i want something she doesn't want. will it come up again, and again and again, over and over and bitterness and resentment building, a year in the making...

i told laura today that i want to be single. really, i just don't want to have to process the possibility of breaking up all the time.