last night

i had the most interesting dream. in it i was with a family; there was me and the mom and two kids, and i was closely connected to them, i was family too i think. Everyone was brown except for me. we walked up to a gymnastics studio, the children were going to take gymnastics, and after we walked in a very short old man greeted us. it was a dark and calming studio, no artificial light, with plants and open windows and yoga mats, dark wood walls and floor. the children began their gymnastics, but then so did the adults. there was something eerily intimate about the way the adults moved, the instructor moving in tandem, leading them, shouting encouragement and pushing them to be focused and connected. there was something deeply spiritual happening and it made me squirm.

i made an excuse and left. i went to a restaurant and drank beer and ate lots of food. i paid with a credit card that was declined. i returned to the gymnastics studio.

the instructor offered to engage in the movements with me, and I accepted, feeling sheepish. i moved, but not very gracefully, making fun of myself the entire time. the instructor stopped and looked at me. it was clear that i had a choice to make. he pulled out a deck of cards and asked me to choose. i chose a card, and it made me cry. i forget what it said. everyone was quiet while i cried.

i woke up this morning in a rush. my alarm has not been going off, and it upsets my daily workplan when i'm an hour late to the facility. i cursed and rushed to the shower, upset. i looked at myself in the mirror and scolded myself for being so out-of-shape. then i remembered the old man of my dream, and it jolted me. after my shower i dressed and came into the living room, turned on this computer, and looked for a meditation center close to me. it turns out that there is one 3 blocks away. and that the drop-in intro is tonight.

there has to be a dividing line, a defining moment that separates the me of then to the me of now, the me that rushed and criticized and wished and craved, the me that still is, and the me that will bring me to enlightenment in whatever way i am supposed to achieve it. i wonder if a dream could be that for me.