i used to

think that feelings like this needed to go away, leave, never to be felt again.

i realized today that this fear is meant to reveal something to me. i have been running from fear in relationships because i am deeply afraid of being vulnerable. so now i get to feel my fear, and get all sorts of triggered about prior feelings like this in other relationships, and work on all of it. what an opportunity, right? i'm actually feeling good about it.

yay for me. never could have figured that one out on my own. sigh.

WALK THE PLANK

i mean, i enjoy dating and all, but I only enjoy it under certain conditions. i.e., when I am in control; when i feel more relaxed; when i can get lots and lots of support; when it is goddamned convenient. I hate/love dating. All in one breath and moment.

jeanette winterson, _written on the body_: FALL IN LOVE is like WALK THE PLANK. i want to avoid this feeling at all costs. i am deathly afraid of the pain, the rejection, the consequences, for all of my rhetoric about hurt being an unavoidable and necessary part of life. My brain believes my rhetoric, don't get me wrong, but my body still wants to run far far away, too far to be touched or affected

afflicted

what i am saying, folks, is that i am scared shitless right now.

fuck

sometimes i truly hate myself. i set myself up for these falls and i hate it that i regress into patterns I truly dislike and feelings I avoid and man...

i can't help but think. and the thinking is difficult. there is no sign or reason-- only thought.

relax into myself. do what you love. live your strong life. do not run from hurt.