okay, today

is not a day wherein i should be interacting with human beings. irritation is riding high. stress, stress, stress- impacting me right now. on top of that, i am feeling ultra triggered by my male housemate. i can't tolerate anything that even looks like home neglect from him right now- all of my frustration with s & n's inactivity around the house is combining with my general frustration with his non-involvement to create a giant, ulcerous pimple of frustration. I just want to stay in my room, the one place that I can control right now, the one place where I am the only one to fuck it up and when i clean it it stays clean.

I want some understanding around the fact i'm in finals. last night i felt like i could tolerate anything and everything-- but today i am feeling overwhelmed. sigh. i still work, i still go to school, i'm still doing everything. whatever. whatever. whatever.

this is the life i chose, the place i choose, and the people i choose. that is the ultimate truth, whether or not jon decides to put away his goddamned dinner stuff or not. goddamn. goddamn. goddamn. goddamn.

no really

i hate the television. and i hate what our society does to people. i hate what the television does to me. we have EVERY CHANNEL you can think of! and it is fucking insane. i really want to get it out of my life. ack ack ack
i think watching television makes me think i'm fat
and i think constantly about how i need to lose weight/get a flat belly/etc.
shit. again: i want to be healthy for me. not for anyone else. i ride my bike, i work on my body, i eat healthy food and my body is an amazing tool for the full living of this life. yeh. fuck a whole lotta sitting around watching some shitty teevee.

in other news. finals week. i'm reading a lot, which is great for me. j just got back from breitenbush; his energy reminds me of how I want to live- always in awe, always open, always loving. i'm going to the woods this coming weekend, and i'm super excited for it. i miss nature. i will miss her a lot more when i move, so i want to get as much of it as i possibly can.
i have to stop helping s with her diet stuff- i want her to be healthy too much. she's drinking a soda and its super not good for her belly, and i don't want to be so disappointed. too much investment. and i think it pisses n off, to have me involved like this.
ALSO--- news flash!!! I think i'm doing really frickin well with the "no relationship" thing. I don't even want to go near it. i do have a crush, I may ask her out. i hope she saw my friendster photo and caption- "i won't be your girlfriend." because i simply will.not.be.anyones.girlfriend.rite.now.

i revise my

"want" list. Yesterday I heard the most depressing comment from the lips of a woman that I thought understood. Fact: I've been poly for a long time, both during and outside of long term relationships. Fact: just recently I've decided to not be in a relationship. Fact: I wanted to be in a relationship with you that would have lasted over a year, before I left for grad school. Being poly had nothing to do with protecting myself from a longer relationship. That comment was similar an exchange like this:
Man: Good thing you're gay; it protects you from having to be in a _REAL_ relationship.
Woman: Um.
Oh well. This is why i'm not trying to do anything with anyone. I'm tired of this shit.
Back to paper-writing.