what the fuch

am i doing? it feels like I don't know anymore. Here I sit, wasting my time and life----- doing what? Today I watched tv for 3 hours. I have finals next week, a paper due tomorrow, and I don't know why the fuck I'm not working on this shit.
so i go upstairs after a shower, and start fucking around online. the poly listserv is fucked, its supposed to snow tomorrow, and no new emails from d or b. hence, i look at this page. check it out if you want. www.writeaprisoner.com

"I've been buried beneath this cold concrete and iron steel since 1991 and over the years I've been pretty much forgotten about by both family and friends. I have however managed to maintain a positive attitude, sense of humor, and a strong spirit through it all. Sitting in this desolate cage day after day, I do realize that I've made some mistakes and bad choices along the way that put me here today. But this is life and we all make mistakes because we're only human. What's important is that we don't pass judgment on the next person, but treat each other as you wish to be treated. I feel that even though four walls imprison my body, I still have a lot to offer mentally and emotionally. I'm a very down to earth person; understanding, open mined and a great sense of humor."

spending the rest of his life in prison. california, three strikes. so many of these men are spending the rest of their lives in prison, and many more than that are serving such extraordinarily long sentences that it shocks the crap outta me. Ten years for possession, fraud. Monstrous sentences. Life-ending sentences. People wonder why recidivism is such a problem.

i'm gonna go write a paper. i'm going to remember how glad i am that the cops never caught me. i'm gonna keep these people who have been "forgotten by both friends and family" in my thoughts, even though I don't know exactly what to do about it.

i don't want

a new gf. i want the old one back. that would be much easier and more fun that dealing with a whole new deal. today i almost accidentally came out to my family. "my ex's kid..." caught myself in time. i'm not ready, particularly with the stress cases that make up my familial circle.

something

that annoys the crap out of me: folks who have a hard time taking responsibility for their indiscretions. No big deal, most of the time; however, when it is a w.m. grabbing the reigns of his entitlement and riding off into the sunset it makes me want to puke. Oh, so you think you have the right to leave me hanging at work like this? And when I mention it you're gonna act like i'm being crazy? I WILL KILL YOU. Don't underestimate my craziness, you motherfucker. I won't report you to our boss but I will _NOT_ allow you to act like that. Think again.

i want

to turn this thing off, really. turn the whole relationship thing off. i just wanna live my life. i hate seeing attractive people and thinking about the possibility of some sordid tryst or whatever. I don't want to be sex neg, obviously, i just want my brain to stop tormenting me.

y'know

i don't want to love him anymore. fuck. i want to be done. i want to be free of this. i don't want to care that he's with someone else. if he wasn't with anyone, i probably wouldnt have these shitty feelings. living with her. in our house. shit.

i think thats not the whole of it, though... i am making a decision to not be with anyone right now, to be happy by myself, to work on myself physically/emotionally/artistically- to develop the entire me, the wholistic person. seeing him with her makes me feel utterly alone- like somehow i've failed, he found someone when i couldn't. he is happy and partnered while i am not.

To be completely clear, however, i do not want to be partnered, with anyone. I am specifically steering clear of those entanglements, as much as I feel pulled toward them- I haven't techically been single for more than a couple months since I was.... 19? I think I was nineteen. I am twenty-five now, and unwilling to brave whatever heartbreak or drama or bullshit that might accompany any sort of sexual/romantic engagement. There are too many other things I want to do with my time.

i want everyone to leave me alone. i want this specter of r & my relationship to leave me alone. i can make those decisions... and move on with my life. right?

i'm ready to leave portland, everyone. leave all this shit behind and move on.

why

do i feel like shit? what do i have to be worried about? let's make a list.
- relationship with r & other ppl
- going to grad school
- graduating college
- turning in this grant
- getting good grades this term
- money.
Ok. Good stuff. Ok, so my relationship with r will be what it will be. no more, no less. i have to just be who I am, struggles and all. me, the imperfect package. I'm not applying to grad school this term. SIGH!! SHIT!! SIGH!! I will graduate from college- no matter what- in August. This grant is no biggie. at all. i just have to write a proposal. My grades will most likely be fine, and if I need money I can work more. the end. the end. the end. the end.

i'm tired

of talking to people about my struggles. i just want to make decisions and figure shit out. i don't want to talk about drama anymore. at all. i don't want drama period. just do it, stop talking about it. sigh.
what am i doing? where the fuck am i going? i have not felt this consistently messed up for many years. many years.
i want to get the fuck out of portland. new start. no stigma.